Dating....

I feel like I have no idea wtf I am doing.

Ok so Valentine's Day was this Epic triumph for me after dreading it. i did buy balloons at Dollar Tree and Pink Roses at Targhetto for her. Also heart-shaped containers with Rasberries and Strawberries at Target as well.

And even a piece of marble cake. Unsure how much Joyce would have appreciated it as she wasn't huge into frosting.

But I also did 5? things

-Local Widows (Large group) lunch out in Bloomington
-Picked up Popusas and Carmel Corn in South Minneapolis as a benefit for businesses affected by ICE. I also chatted with a woman there who I think knows Joyce's friend Rhonda

-ASMR In Person treatment. This was incredible! Like a massage + more. And even in some ways more in depth? than some of the multi-person ASMR videos found on YouTube. This woman who helped me April, was such a sweeheart, and told me anything I wanted. So it was like gently hitting nerves that have been dormant for years. Although as much as it is AUDITORY Sensory Meridian Response, emphasis on the *auditory* she didn't do a ton with my ears up close. But Raincheck. I definitely will go back. How often? I don't know. Maybe once every month or maybe every other month per it will add up. But the cost was soh worth it.

-Dinner alone at 1881 Eating House in St.Paul. The local Widow group from St.Paul had this place schedule to meet twice in December and January. Both were cancelled. So I wanted to go. It was really good, even though I was dining out alone on Valentine's Day. I wanted to, although bring my laptop. I sort of wanted to face the music. Knowing Joyce should be with me, but she wasn't. I was in tears at times though. 

But it was nice. The food was good, includng giving me a free piece of turtle cheesecake (I told them about Joyce and being widowed which I guess is common).

-Chaplin's films The Immigrant and The Kid at the Capri Theater in North Minneapolis. I met someone for these, that had 2 different ensembles playing music to them (The Poor Nobodys and The Curse of the Vampire Orchestra). I found about this from this person who i had met the previous Wednesday at a Timeleft dinner. 

This woman I met and I grabbed a bite, at Pizza Luce afterwards. And spent several days together after that.

However, we are not dating right now, mostly due to timing. We went to a screening of "Snow" the next evening at the Parkway Theater in Minneapolis. Snow (not the Spock's Beard album), was a locally based film shot in 1996 about a White man whose relationship  with his girlfriend is ending, or ended, but he's still living with her. But he meets/meets again a black woman who enjoys his music. It is rather real and romantic in a lot of ways. Shows Minneapolis in the mid 90's, although was shot in Black & White. It was restored for this screening and I picked up the Bluray (yet still do not have a bluray DVD player, lol).

This woman who I was seeing, came with me to the film. Although my thoughts were with Joyce still. I think Joyce may have appreciated this film, even the kind of music wasn't her (indie/alternative punk ala Husker Du/Replacements). The dynamic and premise may have appealed to with us.

I did cry at 1 point towards the end. 

The trailer for Snow is here but it also is on Vimeo I believe. I'm surprised though I never saw or heard about it. It was shown on Sundance many times for a few years in the late 90's/early 2000's, 

But this woman and I stopped seeing eachother a few days after that. Why? it's complicated.

I like a lot about her, but when my mother-in-law went into the Hospital and I came home to Kaja after being gone for 12 hours, it hit me how I'm not sure I can do a relationship like that. Maybe that's selfish? IDK

I mean for the right woman, and over some time, sure I am interested in a relationship. But while I am lonely and miss Joyce dearly (+Saundra and even Mocha), I am trying to build some semblance of a life for myself with my activities:

-Library
-Cafe
-Temple
-Widow Groups
-Temple Groups
-JCC

-Timeleft
-TC Geeks
-Bowling?
-Golf?
-Writing Course?

all while keeping and gaining new friendships, including WITH SINGLE WOMEN that starting an exclusive relationship may compromise. IDK.

I just felt so guilty coming home that night, like I was throwing a lot away. My mother-in-law's health, and just the changes that have happened, are happening, and will happen I don't know if I can handle so fast.

------------------------------

To go along with, I don't know if committing to someone so fast even if my grief for Joyce was changing. Which it is, but. But also things like our 1st Date Anniversary this month or the hopeful Celebration of Life around Joyce's birthday. Will whoever I could be dating be ok with? If she really liked and cared about me, she would understand these are very important things to me. Frankly, and I've mentioned this before A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT JOYCE, THINGS JOYCE AND I DID AND STILL WANT TO DO ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

Like the Record Store Day and The Kickoff to the Fair. Memorial Day? Animated Movies, certain concerts. Even still buying music and some of her things like Hello Kitty.

I'm still torn, but don't want to let go of these things about her, with her. I intend to still write and share stories about her. Really indefinitely. Why I've said, in a lot of ways, dating me is dating me+Joyce.

Oddly though, the brief experience with this woman I dated for a week, she didn't seem to mind when I talked about Joyce. Although who knows if that would always be the case.

----------------------------------------------------

But another big point I am thinking about is, I would like to be with someone who *gets* me. Gets my love of progressive rock, if not also shares it. Joyce *got me* but did not of course share my love of it. Will I end up with a woman who shares it? Maybe I deserve to be selfish in some ways and feel I should. This has been in my head for 30 fucking years. And I've gone back and forth and back and forth.

A woman into Prog who is single, lives in my town (or maybe could move? i guess), and there would not be too many reservations with. Lifestyle, etc. And I also would need to be attracted to her and likely within my dating age range. 

This woman: does she exist? I still contend no. But I could be wrong. Maybe I am wrong or am currently wrong, but won't always be.

Holding out for the Muso Woman in the Twin Cities..yeah and for how long?

I mean even just 1 artist/band I love might be enough. Let me meet a single woman in Minnesota who is a Kevin Gilbert fan. Or a Marillion fan (I have a friend here, except I see her just as a friend among other reasons), or a Dream Theater fan. Rush fan, Yes fan, Fates Warning fan, Pain of Salvation fan, , Pepe Deluxe Fan, sElf fan, Jellyfish fan, etc


But women who are Musos are not easily found, single, or something else. I wonder though, the whole "getting them into" prog or any number of these bands I love. The other problem being though, I once dated a woman who got into dredg and mutemath and I was introducing her to bands and it didn't feel fully genuine. That wasn't the only reason why things ended between myself and that woman, but the whole force-feeding her music felt too much. She needs to want to and genuininely like the music, and not purely because of me.

And the same can be for myself. Joyce? yeah artists like Josh Rouse and Mayer Hawthorne and Chromeo I never would have got into if it wasn't for her. And I genuinely do like a lot of their music.

But it seems like every time I wonder if it could happen, it doesn't. Even recently I came across a woman who was super into Star Trek and Scifi stuff, but then I realized something about her which is pretty much a dealbreaker. I don't know if things might have happened between us or not regardless, but the dealbreaker ended my interest of course.

-----------------------------

So where am I at? now some 7 months out from Joyce. In tears almost every day for her. Missing her, remembering her from music or just things we did. And I am lonely, but I have been helped by a lot of these activities I'm doing. People I'm talking to through Facebook and Zoom Meetings and Discord. Will I end up dating more? As much as the apps (FB Dating) I have had next to no luck with (sending far too many messages with like 2 or 3 replies over the course of 3 months); I do still wish to try doing more of it. There are Singles groups (Break the Bubble via meetup) that do things. There's 1 for Twin Cities Geeks even.

I do wonder, the woman who might be able to push my buttons would even bother with singles groups and apps. Probably not. Which suggests something more active like the writing course I want to take or volunteering somewhere might more likely to meet her. I just wonder where and when. It's dumb luck. IDK.

And I spend a lot of time with the Widows Singles Dating group Zoom and maybe in some ways it has got me thinking too much about this stuff. Granted, most of them are way further out than the 7 months I am. There's another group of "Young Widows" who more are on a similar recent time frame. But a) there's nobody I've met among that group from Minnesota that is looking to date anyway. I have a few, including a friend of mine named Lisa. IDK.

I have told Gemini a lot about this and it's frustrating. I would be ok being single for awhile, maybe always if I didn't feel like a loser eating dinner alone. Going to events always alone. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I sort of always have actually. Should I? maybe not. The whole adage

-love yourself 1st.

-Work on yourself before you can share your life with someone else

-Better to be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong reasons.

 -------------------------------------------

And at least according to some women, women could and would like me, but the proof is in the pudding. I still feel like in public I almost always need to initiate conversation. Always..like 487 times in a row always. So, while maybe I am attractive to some women at least, not enough for them to approach me. But women don't approach men, like almost never. Especially younger women. But I'm not always around women 15-30 years old. Sure, sometimes, but a lot of them no. Maybe they aren't single women? ok. I still think it's hard to realize that reality.

It's like I'm a camoflouaged catch that either women don't realize is there, or do, but just don't do much if anything to catch my attention.

But like I said, I thought after losing the love of my life and soulmate, I should get to be picky. And maybe being picky means, I need to be attracted to her and I need to be able to share 1 or more of my passions with her. The Progger or Scifi Nerd woman.

But I can hear or recall it from more than 1 answer on OkCupid or some of the forums 

"well, then you may be looking for a long time if ever"

it was so discouraging to read that from women and some guys. Mostly women. There was more than 1 response I got and I felt like giving her the middle fucking finger.

I.e. what she was saying is, the woman who actually is single and shares my so esoteric, niche taste in music or entertainment really doesn't exist. And may never. 

I mean they do exist I guess, but I have not been lucky enough. There's always something, like she doesn't live anywhere near me. Or She's not single. She's not single. She's not single. She's not single. etc etc.

I don't think in the history of dating, has a woman ever included "prog rock" as her biggest interest. Even interest at all. Honestly, if she included some bands she enjoyed like The Mars Volta, Rush, Yes, Genesis, Dream Theater, Porcupine Tree...the wording "prog rock" would not mean much. 

But they don't, It's a sausage fest.

Or even if she was a YouTuber or Podcaster, which I have found a few. But not near me. There's this woman I found on threads who makes a podcast about the history of music. She even has several tattoos involving the history of music. But I haven't followed up with her in several weeks. And she lives in Florida of course, lol. I would guess she has a boyfriend though. But that is rare, Although I do see more and more women showing vinyl or talking about music or song lists, not so much on YouTube but of course the short-attention-based-for-the-annoying-algorithm that are shorts on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.

I wonder though..if a woman I met loved prog, but used those platforms for her social media, it begs the question is she really into it that much? per the psychology or mentality behind someone who appreciaes my music, they would not want to compromise their approach and honestly not care that much about whether their video is 15-45 minutes long. They would not want to make 30 second or 2-3 minute videos per that is selling the content *short* (no pun intended).

Why that woman who makes the podcast about the history of music is more my speed in that, she doesn't give a shit what Social media wants her to do to get likes.

-------------------------------

So, well I feel terrible as I haven't written much in here or the Substack about Joyce lately. I haven't even done my 2026 Rock Hall Nominations Rant for YouTube or talked about Esperanza Spalding or shown a new Vinyl I got in the mail yet. I tried filiming the Rock Hall Rant the other day and the camera stopped recording. So I need to refilm it. I *hate* having to do that. Waste of time and energy, but it happens. I will try soon to finally to.

And all the albums I have slept on, lol. My working out tho at the JCC has me wanting to listen to favorites and close my eyes and feel like I'm transported back when I 1st was hearing said album. Dredg's Catch Without Arms, Fair to Midland Fables from a MayFly..Pepe Deluxe Queen of the Wave, etc.

I also thought about trying to make a Top Prog Metal songs list. Jordan Blum did 1 I'm sure not long ago, but my list would of course be different. I'll see.

Sonic Pleasure tribute to Joyce 1/26/26

I highly appreciate Georgia and Al allowing me to be part of this tribute to Joyce. It was a lot of fun, despite altering my schedule and going down there ion the -8 degree temps.

I will say though., as I wrote in this entry the Substack for Joyce, I probably will do more at KFAI at some point. Likely at least a WAVE project. Maybe like a Tribute Part etc.

Songs that make me cry: Wham! - Careless Whisper

Joyce loved Jorge Miguel. And every time she played it or it came on, she embraced it. I can only imagine when she was a little kid and into HS and her earlier adult life, her hopeless romances that never fully happened, this was an anthem of hers.

"We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever
But now, who's gonna dance with me?
Please stay"

I can say a few other things about this track. It has this super melancholy 80's ballad sheen to it. It captures this sort of cinematic drama from a teen or maybe early 20's age romance. But while at the time it connected, I think its greatest power is how as it has aged, it brings this enormous sense of nostalgia and going back in time. Maybe not 100% purely in the 1980's, but just for one's youth or looking back when you are younger and in-love, or wanting to be in-love.

Wanting to go back to that time. And when you were young and admired someone. Also the way it has this lost love, or a couple who broke up and the regrets of the man. Something he said or did that caused him to lose her. And he's pouring his heart and soul into his words and the emotion in George Michae's vocals.

Sure the sax part sticks out and it is sad but also soaring and dramatic.

While this wasn't Joyce's favorite Wham! or Jorge Miguel tune, I think even she would admit it is the song that she had the biggest emotional reaction and tie to. Even just with the lyrics. Maybe because Joyce, like me, didn't have a ton success with love and relationships, She had a few, more than I did. But from everytthing she told me, she was kind of a hopeless romantic in a lot of ways. 

"I'm never gonna dance again
Guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool

I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste a chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you"

I think I'm going to be haunted by this tune for the rest of my life. It just has this enormous staying power of sadness, guilt, and what-could-have-been. And it captures so much of what Joyce felt with music, love and now lost-love. And Joyce was drawn to these. She loved "All By Myself" and "On My Own" as well. She would sing them frequently in front of me (when she wasn't by herself or on her own, lol).

And then when George Michael died, this tune took even more meaning. The tragedy of his death and this song, as much as George Michael himself didn't love it, basically took his memory and legacy and rose it into the stratosphere. He became more iconic and a martyr in a lot of ways at that point. And Joyce I think even saw him that way even more when that happened.

Well, she's up there with him now, dancing without guilty feet that have no rhythm...

The Eagan Library...

 This place seems to be a "you can checkout anytime you like, but you can never leave"

I started coming here occasionally a few months ago. The issue often is it closes at 8 and like 5pm on weekends. I seem to get here and not have enough time to do stuff. So I trek over to the Caribou after that.

But I kind of had a Beavis moment tonight. I go to the Eagan library, to write as I am write now, and do other stuff. But...my confession is I keep hoping the woman who smiled at me last week will be here again. 

It was last Wednesday th 7th. I wasnt even supposed to come out here, but my phonecall with my Aunt was cancelled so I did. I get here about the time it is now, a little before 7pm. I walk in and right by this attractive woman who may have been about my age, I'm unsure. She smiles at me right before I sit down. It looked like she was grading papers on laptop, unsure too. 

I smilled back at her and sat down at a table a few down from mine. 

She left like 20 minutes later.

And the rest of the night I felt like I blew it.

My only conclusion was, she might be back around the same time. Well I came the next evening, I didnt see her. And so I cam tonight, the Monday afterwards and I don't believe I saw her earlier. There are some other, rather nice and attractive women here, even 1 or 2 I talked to earlier.

But I knew they had an area downstairs that stuff was held. So I walked down there after seeing some woman come in and walk down there.

Last Thursday there was even trivia downstairs.

But like a Beavis & Butthead plot, I walk in and see a bunch of people attending a class or exercise of sorts for art. This nice woman named Karen told me a little about it and encouraged me to come in and make coasters. 

So I was like, why not? So I did. Here they are

They were looking rather green or teal for a few minutes, but the colorful splatter adds something.

I may get more involved in some of the activities they have here. Maybe meet someone here even, if it isn't that woman from last week. Unsure. But it's funny what you sometimes stumble into.

Kind of like Joyce at KFAI, lol.

I also could use some more coasters. I still use the Prince and Golden Girls coasters, but I need more.

Broken Record, or just a work in progress?

 So, I keep going back and fortrh with this. 

It's been about 5.5 months since Joyce died. And I miss her every day, every hour really. 

But I also miss having someone to do stuff with. And I wish the whole accepting being alone part would be easier or get easier, but it just hasn't yet at least.

I feel like I'm feeling wrong or something. Like I'm not supposed to feel interest in other women yet. I feel like one of the lonely puppies that is abandoned and yearns for love, but isn't supposed to have love until it can be ready to. But also doesn't know how long it will take until it's ready.

Maybe my mentality will change.

Because meeting a lot of new people, including a lot of women shouldn't feel wrong, or desparate. I maybe am overanalyzing this. But like many widows, the idea of being forced to not feel loved by someone or not having someone who generally cares for you, in person, on a daily basis, just feels so deflating.

I've asked ChatGPT about this, and it's normally saying like "because you are going through grief, it's more of the idea of having a romantic companion that you want, rather than actually wanting and needing someone right now"

And I follow it may be unfair to another woman who sees my grief for Joyce as something that doesn't give her the attention she deserves.

It's human instinct and psychology though. I wrote this a few times in chats with people in the last week.

When you are in a happy romantic relationship, you can't imagine not being in love. And when you lose having that love, it's something you can't fathom not having anymore, and it in some ways is all you think about.

Sure, a new relationship may not cure my grief. And it may not last too. But it doesn't change the fact it's a constant hope and desire to try and help gain back the happiness and joy and comfort of the relationship I had with Joyce.

And full disclosure, I'm befriending several women, but admittedly, a lot of them are just online and I suspect most if not all of them only see talking to me as friends. Which isn't a bad thing, and may all of them I will only be friends with. But it still is hard to not feel like maybe I won't experience love again, and soon. But love doesn't always work like that. 

Love fucking takes time. Some of which I may not be good enough. But Love also seems to be something that happens when you aren't seeking it out. So, I'm more or less destined right now not to ever find it....fuck you love.

I sound like a headcase, jeez. Desparate, but in fact I'm not like desparate in the sense I want to have love, or fall in love with any woman. I just would do almost anything to if not having Joyce back, at least have that feeling of comfort and security of someone who loves me, tolerates me and my babbling, because she sees my heart caring about her too.

But it just isn't that simple. And how and where it could start, I'm trying to meet people, women, etc but I feel like if I am trying, it'll never happen. Or at least it's a huge longshot.

It'll way likely more happen if SHE notices me. I wrote that idea on reddit a few weeks ago. The woman at least initially, more or  less controls this. She has the power. She drives it. It's not really fair, but it's totally true. Even though the woman normally wants the guy to approach her.

Why I suck. Why I have never had any other relationships that lasted before Joyce. Joyce liked me. Joyce said in her vows "When we met, Kyle asked me, Are you married or do you have a boyfriend? Or are you dating someone? and I'm thinking, WHO IS THIS GUY?"

So, why I just am going to try doing this until some woman just flat out says to me, she likes me I guess, lol. But I just doubt that will happen. And then it comes down to actually dating and being in a relationship. I mean the heart wants that, and probably way faster than it should.

The heart doesn't have patience like it should. Because I know very well, you can't really fall in love and know you love someone in like a week or even a month. It can and likely always will take much longer.

But the feeling of someone loving you and you loving them..even if it doesn't last, is sort of like esctasy. I guess for those who never have it, I sympathize with them if they want it. Although sometimes those who do get the experience of being in love, don't do it intentionally. I.e. many don't want it, and it just happens. And many who think they don't want, and have never had it, might feel different if they had love.

I just also feel, almost out of nowhere, the woman I love and who loved me was just snatched away in like an instant. It keeps making me feel like life is shorter than I realized it can be. And I may never get to have or be in love again. I know many don't ever, and so by that fact, I should feel grateful. Per I pretty much felt like it would never happen for me. I would be lonesome and alone my whole life.

And now I feel like I may for the rest of my life, especially depending on how long I am around and what I do. "Working on myself" which I know sometimes works for people, I just wish in having to do that, the desire for love and regular companionship from a woman would not so constantly be on my mind. Or at least the back of my mind.

I can also say, meeting Joyce doing the music library work at KFAI. Being at KFAI for a purpose other than meeting women (although it was certainly on my mind during both stints I was there), sort of gave me the whole, nothing-to-lose idea. And I did it for a few months before anything happened between Joyce and I. In fact I remember there were weeks she wasn't there early on and I missed her. I even almost assumed she was done with KFAI I recall. Because sometimes you see someone once or twice at something, and then they leave or never return. 

But I can say, like the idea of a cooking class or maybe more so, the writing class I could take, would be similar to my going to KFAI. I would be taking the writing class for WRITING. And other than time and the cost of the class, I wouldn't have much to lose. And perhaps being in the class, I could meet some of the classmates and there could be a woman in the class who I could meet and get to know like I did with Joyce.

Even if I totally suck in the class. Which I reallty don't know how well I may do. I like how I write, and others have told me they like I how I write. But that doesn't necessarily mean a professor or a TA who reads my writing will care for my writing. Or for that matter, maybe classmates. But, it likely has very low risk, and only potential gain.

And in a lot of ways it could feel way more organic than meeting someone on an App or even through a Facebook Group necessarily. I'm unsure. I mean if I met someone that way and ended up in a happy relationship, sure, I wouldn't complain. But like with Joyce, meeting someone doing an activity would feel good in a lot of ways. Joyce agreed. Her friend Emily wanted her to sign up to OKCupid in December 2010. She was going to, but then she met me and never had to. I was on OKCupid off and on for many years, but I suspect Joyce would have not given me the time of day on there. "Prog Rock and Scifi"?..yeah, no bueno for Mama.

But, look what happened? lol..

Songs that made me Cry - Jackson Browne - Somebody's Baby

Joyce never saw Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but she enjoyed this tune. I've heard it 50 times since 2020, mostly per Jake Rudh and on American Top 40 on KOWZ on Sunday afternoons. It's a lot to do with her, but also nostalgia I 1st seeing Fast Times in HS in the early 90's. Joyce wasn't huge into Jackson Browne, but this was an exception. It's romantic + 80's which Joyce loved.

It came on this past Sunday, and the earworm came to me this afternoon and then the grief trigger. 

Songs that Made Me Cry: Neneh Cherry - Buffalo Stance

https://joycelopezmemoirs.substack.com/p/songs-that-made-me-cry-neneh-cherry 

Jake Rudh started playing the video for this song in 2020 on his video show “Transmission” on Twitch. It reminded me of 7th grade, and I how much I loved it.

I heard it again tonight on his show, and it reminded of my time with Joyce here at home, and it made me wish she was here with me again.

Not that she loved it so much, but the fact I got back into it with her just in recent years, here at home when he played it on Transmission. She was here with me. Why it hurts to remember that and remember several times it being played and watching it at home on a Saturday night with Joyce being here with me.

”Who's looking good today?
Who's looking good in every way?
No style rookie
You better watch, don't mess with me

No moneyman can win my love
It's sweetness that I'm thinking of
We always hang in a buffalo stance
We do the dive every time we dance"

Life's Failures

I feel like I should have a sign on my head and back that states.

I'm exotroverted, I'd love to talk if you either are extroverted or would like to get to know an extrovert

or

Extroverts Unite

I  have 

Sports: The thing I loved the most as a kid. I dreamed of being a Major League Baseball player. I later felt like I wanted to be a Sports Writer, Journalist and even Radio show host. None of that ever happened. I wasn't a great athlete, but was okay. I played Soccer and Basketball in High School, but never was a starter on the Varsity. I maybe peaked when I was in Junior High. I drank coffee in and 8th and 9th grade which may have stunted my growth.

I felt like I knew more about Sports History and Statistics than most if not all my peers. But ultimately it didn't matter. I didn't want to work in some small town and have to do the "Who, What, Where, and Why" way of writing. I wanted to do and write MY OWN WAY. But that ultimately was never going to work. 

College: I went to a College Prep High School and like most there and my peers, was expected to go on and earn a degree and get a professional job. Well, I spent 1 year away from home at a 4-Year State College that was had a LD program. However the person who ran it, left when I started. The LD program was limited and beyond that lack of help, being depressed and struggling to be motivated in some of my classes, I failed out. I did well in some classes like English and a Government class. But my Pre-Calc math class and the Geoology class got me bad. Too much homework and the grading oin a curve didn't work for me. I also had a class the 2nd semester that I didn't attend for many weeks, I got too far behind in, and I also couldn't drop. I might have been able speak to the professor, but it was too late. 

So, I failed out and owed money from a loan. So I left the College, went on to a CC and worked. I did okay at the CC, even got an internship at a radio station, but even that was sort of limited and I didn't impress them enough for them to want me to continue. Cutting tape, gathering sound, faxing newspapers at a sports station. The interns going into that field likely had to start and be in a small town for many years to have a shot. Plus it didnt pay a lot and was competitive.

I decided to pass. I would have liked to have done radio, HOW I WOULD WANT TO DO IT. And not going to work in the middle of nowhere and living miserably.

Radio: I volunteered at KFAI while working a FT job. I wanted to play the music I loved for more people. I subbed many times and volunteered at station events. Applied for like 10+ shows in 3 years, and wasn't picked by their Program Committee once. A lot of the shows were either Midnight-2AM or 2-5/6AM. I was a Night Owl, but ultimately those hours were still challenging from a schedule and sleep cycle.

I doubt I would have kept that weekly gig for many years if 1 of those shows was given to me mostly due to the hours. But the fact I wasn't selected once out of like 10 times still has me view this as a failure. I should have been picked. But I wasn't. 

But I also believed and actually still believe, I should have had and still have a chance to do a radio show playing progressive rock and my other favorite things at a reasonable hour. 6pm-10pm? or A morning or afternoon on a weekend. But it may never happen given how a lot of these radio stations are run.

I also pursued internet radio, but that got to be a failure before it even started. Too many others doing it, having to pay royalties and needing permission from the artists and labels. Blah Blah Blah. TOO MANY HOOPS TO JUMP THROUGH.

The same can be added to Podcasts (which I in a small maybe non-failure way, I may have figured out a workaround).

And of course I played a song I shouldn't have on KFAI and had to go away until I returned where I met Joyce which was a Success at least in that way.

Blogging: I kept a livejournal and then this blog for over 20 years between the 2. This blog has reached some, but it still is undeground and talks about things no other blogs really talk about. Social Media though I feel could be in some ways, what could see it as a Failure. 

It wasn't cited on Twitter and Facebook like it should have been. The limited subscribers given how much content and time has been put into it suggests that. Is it fair? no. Is it a Vanity thing for myself? yes, but I still see that to some degree as a partial failure. By comparing it to other music media sites and people, it is a HUGE FAILURE. 

To me, so many of those people who write about music are boring and my content is better. MUCH BETTER. Is it due to lack of an editor or the grammatical errors? In my HEART I don't believe so. It's not about perfection, it's about COMMUNICATION. If I was PAID TO WRITE IN HERE. Franly, a LIVE-ABLE WAGE, the editing and grammar would be more prioritized.

However, I would still have the LAST SAY and still be the editor myself. That is how I feel comfortable writing. If I take a writing class, I may have to give in and compromise that, but just on for what I do IN HERE, THIS IS MY SPACE TO WRITE. It is 100% driven by MY OWN approach. Thus, I don't like being edited or having my words changed by someone else. Even if grammatically they may be better.

I want this place to be 100% ME and I own it. I know many great, successful writers and bloggers have ediors. That is where I feel I stand out in a good way to me. Me Myself and I (I know it's self-centered/selfish in that way).

YouTube: Started in 2014 with very little expectations. 812 videos and 478 subscribers later. Failure? uh huh. So many other people have done it with in much less effort and time and had way more success. Why I still think it's destined to go on a long hiatus at some point. Is it fair? no. The algorithm, not being female, not spamming people and trying to force-feed the algorithm my channel. YouTube hates my channel. In some ways the polar opposite of this blog or was with Google.

I figured 1 Million Hits in like 11 years in this blog with this same name? that alone should have warranted 1000 subscribers. People sometimes watch but don't sign-in and subscribe. Joyce did that very thing. Stupid fucking algorithm.

The videos go 30-50 minutes often? yes. It's unedited and a podcast. Why should that matter? people have shitty attention spans? Or I'm just not good at it. I'm boring or not engaging enough for people. I know I talk about obscure, unknown bands in there. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT. But even with that much obscurity, it still should have found more subscribers. Some of the most boring, wastes of time on YouTube have a ton more of a following. People are impatient and don't care. They really don't. People who know my channel also don't care to help. Should they? well, if they cared, yes. But they don't care, or care enough. 

So yes, it's a Failure.

Music: Getting and being an expert in progressive rock, Getting bands like dredg, Kaddisfly, Small Leaks Sink Ships, sElf, Pepe Deluxe...all these bands that way more people should know and like, DON'T. And Kevin Gilbert..same story. From a numbers standpoint, no they don't care and don't give a shit. It's only a small number of individual people who have ever reached out to me and cited me. And for those, I totally appreciate it. But, it should be more. Frankly, WAY MORE. Even in some cases when I review something or talk about a band or artist 1st, am I cited?..no. Not very often. It's not fair, but regardless, it's a failure for the most part.

"Theoretically none of that should matter" -James Bickers

It's still a failure if the goal is to be credited as being 1st to the punch or even helping out that little band out.

Psych: Myself along with my friend John did a podcast, that was low-fidelity and not setup with RSS. Or most importantly, not really acknowledged by the people involved with the show. FAILURE for sure. 

And the show itself is not referenced or talked about as much as it should. Other shows, sitcoms and things are more so.

CON: I tried doing things at CONvergence and even MarsCON. Like a room with sync-ing movies with albums. Or even being able to use another guy's room to do that. It never happened. Complete failure. That may have been the whole great-idea-on-paper that wasn't practical. Paying ROYALTIES and then all the babblinng on in the busy areas in the hotel killed most of it. It sucks. Too Much Money and work

Sorry, but I didn't have the time and money to invest my whole year into planning a weekend like that. Too many Hoops to jump through, Having to register over a year ahead of time, pay for passes and then the other fees, Getting a room in a good location where people will find it. Blah Blah Blah 

No, and the social aspect of CON sort of went downhill anyway. Too clique-ish and people got offended easily...sorry, but it didn't work. But, thus a FAILURE.

Job/Work/Career: To be included later or elsewhere

Marriage/Relationships: Before I met Joyce, my longest relationship was like 1 month, lol. Women never approached me. Finding a woman into my interests was super rare and challenging. Now with Joyce, it was not identical interests and passions either, but somehow it didn't matter for her and me. We made it work But I can't say my goal of finding a woman who loved my music or other things was a major success with Joyce. But the relationship and love was. Except now, she is gone. So, it was not a Failure for how long it lasted, but it wasn't a lifelong success, not due to any fault of my own. 

Should I have bugged her to go get a physical? yes. Survivors guilt now.Joyce was strong willed and super stubborn, so I was trying to keep the peace, But did I FAIL her in that sense? maybe. Her Fate with her health may not have been much better had I. So, it wasn't necessarily a failure for what I could have done. However comparing it to so many others I know who have or may have lifelong relationshis and marriages?..yeah sadly, even my marriage of almost 9 years and 14+ year relationship still feels like a failure.

But I was born with a health condition when I was an infant, and I may not have not survived it. I'm not sure, so in that sense I am a success by still being here at this point, if I want to look at it that way. Had I not survived, I wouldn't have tried to do all this stuff though.

I may publish a book some day, or actually feel like I received more gratification from the things in my life I (have tried) to do. But that remains to happen or be seen. I am trying my best to keep going, But to deny that a lot of these things I hoped for 1 result, did not find that result at this point, is something I can't deny I believe.

But what is the common denominator with all of this stuff? ..ME

But as I posted  on Threads the other day

Substack Post Shares: The Promise (Song), Christmas Cookies (Memoir)

This is pretty ridiculous, how many sites I have to share this stuff. But o well, I'll do the fucking legwork still.

Songs that made me Cry: When In Rome - The Promise

"I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say
(I promise you)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be
(I promise you)"

This song just came on while I’m here at Caribou this afternoon. It’s a song I have a huge amount of nostalgia for, when I was in 7th grade, I guess it was. And when Jake Rudh started playing it on his Twitch show in 2020, it reignited my memory and melancholy to go back to the time it came out when I was 12 years old.

I shared it with Joyce in some ways, having heard it maybe 50 or more times since COVID. And now that's she's gone, it's like it only makes me want to go back in time again. Even the lyrics about apologizing, I at times felt like saying to her, and want to still say to her.


Christmas Cookies

Every year, Joyce would make Christmas Cookies to give out as gifts to her friends and family.

Chocolate Chip
Chocolate Chip + Oatmeal
Chocolate Chip + Oatmeal + Raisins
Oatmeal Raisin
Sugar cookies with sprinkles. In various shapes and things.
Butter cookies

Some included as Chanukah cookies.

Like Thanksgiving, Joyce seemed to slave over every year. She would direct Victoria and Gabino the whole time, with a lot of laughter. Gabino would put too much flower or burn a batch, etc.

My memories of those Saturdays in mid-December were gathering some of the ingredients for her or with her. Well, it might be initially with her at the store. Cub Foods was probably #1, but sometimes Walmart and Target would also be spots to find the White or Brown Sugar, Flour (and I forget the specific type of flour, but it has to be “baking” flour from memory).

Oatmeal, which multiple times she thought she or already had, or after we moved, and came over, assumed her mom had enough oatmeal. I think at least a couple of times her mom told Joyce she had the oatmeal and/or the raisins, and she didn’t, lol. I even kind of remember the 2 of them arguing over that and other things. It was both frustrating but also funny, lol. I was observing on the side. That was 1 of multiple instances I was there, wanting to help but just couldn’t. I just didn’t want to make things worse. But of course, Joyce would look at me and think “you’re my husband, you’re supposed to back me up and take my side” And I did more often than not, but I also asked myself, what the hell did I get myself into? lol.

The Eggs were a HUGE sticking point, but it was mostly in recent years. Joyce became ADAMANT they had to be JUMBO eggs from Wally (Walmart), and it was only at Super Walmart’s they had the JUMBO eggs at 1 time. This was maybe 2022 that this issue came up. I think Joyce herself bought them and I didn’t, because it was just a few years ago this requirement crossed my radar.

But inevitably what would happen is, Joyce and I would get ready for the big Saturday, and it was intended to be as early as possible. When we were living at her mom’s, we’d just have to get the kitchen ready. The tables, cookie cutters, rolling pin, plastic bins, cookie sheets, etc. It was an ordeal.

And many times, Joyce would then realize, "uh, Papa, we need more flour” “Papa, we need vanilla extract. The bottle is expired” “Papa, there is not enough butter” So I would drive over to Coopers down the street or sometimes Cub or Walmart even. And I remember at least once, Joyce calling me asking how much longer until I got home. “Where are you? C’mon Papa, it’s getting late.”

The goal was always to make enough cookies for the kids (Victoria and Gabino), Joyce herself, and the gifts. Which in the early days I was there, she needed A LOT. Those cookie bags got big and in numbers. I even think some of her aunts got them as gifts like Juanita and maybe Helen. But her friends too, and I want to say a limited amount at her work (MNHS and perhaps even Barnes and Noble and maybe General Mills, although that might have been a bit contrary given where she was working, and it was only 1 year at General Mills).

There was 1 or 2 years, the cookie baking went so late, Joyce decided, forget it. I’ll finish it Sunday. I remember 1 year, the kids were done, and she just made her own on Sunday. There was also 1 year, most of the cookies were just for the kids, per she wanted to be done with it. I forget but have a memory of her telling her friends “yeah, I didn’t make a lot this year.”

Myself? I was hanging in the living room with her mom, on my laptop. At 1 time, with Coco (my memory of Alfie is limited the 2 years I was there with him). And even 1 year I brought Latte over. Latte, Scared kitty, hid under the couch, under her mom’s bed, and eventually the backroom. He was in a place he didn’t know; thus he tried to hide. Poor little Latte. That would have been 2021 I think. I wanted him to come over to her mom’s, just once. Have Victoria and Gabino and Joyce’s mom see Latte.

I think we did hang up a stocking for Latte as well, at least 1 year.

But my job, beyond being the messenger for missing ingredients and sometimes missing baking kitchen ware that we left at our house? I would pick up lunch/dinner. Usually Pizza. On my laptop and having her mom having the tv on in the living room. Mind you, the living room and kitchen were right next to each other and both relatively small. The kitchen really only could fit at most 3 people. So even if I wanted to help, there was NO ROOM for me to help in there with Joyce, Victoria and Gabino.

But usually by 3-5pm, it was time to wrap it up. There were a few years that it was maybe closer to 6-8pm. I just remember Joyce just wanting to plop down on her mom’s bed or the recliner and go to sleep. She used to kill herself. And even when it was done, she’d be stressing about gifts for people or needing to go get something at 1 of the stores before it was gone. Makeup, clothes. Her Shop-Party often didn’t leave her mind despite her energy and brain wanting to shutoff.

She’d be like “I hope they like them.”

Kind of like making Enchiladas or Tamales during the holidays with her mom even, which maybe that can be continued in another entry.

The cookies were made today (12/20/25) with the kids leading the way, and her mom’s oven not working. We used the kids Toaster Oven and Joyce and my “Breville” big toaster oven. Although only the Choc+Chip + Oatmeal were done today. The Sugar and Butter ones are going to be made tomorrow, I think. Joyce? I do suspect would be rolling her eyes and looking at Gabino like “Hmm, what did I teach you?” that snide sarcastic smirk of hers. And without her mom’s oven? She would have yelled at her mom and maybe me. She might have considered insisting on making them at the kids house or our house even. But then again, having them come over to our house?..Joyce would have also had issue with that. No TV right now for her mom anyway, so I might conclude the Toaster Ovens at her Mom’s would have to work this year. But she would have been adamant that next year, her mom’s oven needs to be work for the cookies.