I feel like I should have a sign on my head and back that states.
I'm exotroverted, I'd love to talk if you either are extroverted or would like to get to know an extrovert
or
Extroverts Unite
I have
Sports: The thing I loved the most as a kid. I dreamed of being a Major League Baseball player. I later felt like I wanted to be a Sports Writer, Journalist and even Radio show host. None of that ever happened. I wasn't a great athlete, but was okay. I played Soccer and Basketball in High School, but never was a starter on the Varsity. I maybe peaked when I was in Junior High. I drank coffee in and 8th and 9th grade which may have stunted my growth.
I felt like I knew more about Sports History and Statistics than most if not all my peers. But ultimately it didn't matter. I didn't want to work in some small town and have to do the "Who, What, Where, and Why" way of writing. I wanted to do and write MY OWN WAY. But that ultimately was never going to work.
College: I went to a College Prep High School and like most there and my peers, was expected to go on and earn a degree and get a professional job. Well, I spent 1 year away from home at a 4-Year State College that was had a LD program. However the person who ran it, left when I started. The LD program was limited and beyond that lack of help, being depressed and struggling to be motivated in some of my classes, I failed out. I did well in some classes like English and a Government class. But my Pre-Calc math class and the Geoology class got me bad. Too much homework and the grading oin a curve didn't work for me. I also had a class the 2nd semester that I didn't attend for many weeks, I got too far behind in, and I also couldn't drop. I might have been able speak to the professor, but it was too late.
So, I failed out and owed money from a loan. So I left the College, went on to a CC and worked. I did okay at the CC, even got an internship at a radio station, but even that was sort of limited and I didn't impress them enough for them to want me to continue. Cutting tape, gathering sound, faxing newspapers at a sports station. The interns going into that field likely had to start and be in a small town for many years to have a shot. Plus it didnt pay a lot and was competitive.
I decided to pass. I would have liked to have done radio, HOW I WOULD WANT TO DO IT. And not going to work in the middle of nowhere and living miserably.
Radio: I volunteered at KFAI while working a FT job. I wanted to play the music I loved for more people. I subbed many times and volunteered at station events. Applied for like 10+ shows in 3 years, and wasn't picked by their Program Committee once. A lot of the shows were either Midnight-2AM or 2-5/6AM. I was a Night Owl, but ultimately those hours were still challenging from a schedule and sleep cycle.
I doubt I would have kept that weekly gig for many years if 1 of those shows was given to me mostly due to the hours. But the fact I wasn't selected once out of like 10 times still has me view this as a failure. I should have been picked. But I wasn't.
But I also believed and actually still believe, I should have had and still have a chance to do a radio show playing progressive rock and my other favorite things at a reasonable hour. 6pm-10pm? or A morning or afternoon on a weekend. But it may never happen given how a lot of these radio stations are run.
I also pursued internet radio, but that got to be a failure before it even started. Too many others doing it, having to pay royalties and needing permission from the artists and labels. Blah Blah Blah. TOO MANY HOOPS TO JUMP THROUGH.
The same can be added to Podcasts (which I in a small maybe non-failure way, I may have figured out a workaround).
And of course I played a song I shouldn't have on KFAI and had to go away until I returned where I met Joyce which was a Success at least in that way.
Blogging: I kept a livejournal and then this blog for over 20 years between the 2. This blog has reached some, but it still is undeground and talks about things no other blogs really talk about. Social Media though I feel could be in some ways, what could see it as a Failure.
It wasn't cited on Twitter and Facebook like it should have been. The limited subscribers given how much content and time has been put into it suggests that. Is it fair? no. Is it a Vanity thing for myself? yes, but I still see that to some degree as a partial failure. By comparing it to other music media sites and people, it is a HUGE FAILURE.
To me, so many of those people who write about music are boring and my content is better. MUCH BETTER. Is it due to lack of an editor or the grammatical errors? In my HEART I don't believe so. It's not about perfection, it's about COMMUNICATION. If I was PAID TO WRITE IN HERE. Franly, a LIVE-ABLE WAGE, the editing and grammar would be more prioritized.
However, I would still have the LAST SAY and still be the editor myself. That is how I feel comfortable writing. If I take a writing class, I may have to give in and compromise that, but just on for what I do IN HERE, THIS IS MY SPACE TO WRITE. It is 100% driven by MY OWN approach. Thus, I don't like being edited or having my words changed by someone else. Even if grammatically they may be better.
I want this place to be 100% ME and I own it. I know many great, successful writers and bloggers have ediors. That is where I feel I stand out in a good way to me. Me Myself and I (I know it's self-centered/selfish in that way).
YouTube: Started in 2014 with very little expectations. 812 videos and 478 subscribers later. Failure? uh huh. So many other people have done it with in much less effort and time and had way more success. Why I still think it's destined to go on a long hiatus at some point. Is it fair? no. The algorithm, not being female, not spamming people and trying to force-feed the algorithm my channel. YouTube hates my channel. In some ways the polar opposite of this blog or was with Google.
I figured 1 Million Hits in like 11 years in this blog with this same name? that alone should have warranted 1000 subscribers. People sometimes watch but don't sign-in and subscribe. Joyce did that very thing. Stupid fucking algorithm.
The videos go 30-50 minutes often? yes. It's unedited and a podcast. Why should that matter? people have shitty attention spans? Or I'm just not good at it. I'm boring or not engaging enough for people. I know I talk about obscure, unknown bands in there. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT. But even with that much obscurity, it still should have found more subscribers. Some of the most boring, wastes of time on YouTube have a ton more of a following. People are impatient and don't care. They really don't. People who know my channel also don't care to help. Should they? well, if they cared, yes. But they don't care, or care enough.
So yes, it's a Failure.
Music: Getting and being an expert in progressive rock, Getting bands like dredg, Kaddisfly, Small Leaks Sink Ships, sElf, Pepe Deluxe...all these bands that way more people should know and like, DON'T. And Kevin Gilbert..same story. From a numbers standpoint, no they don't care and don't give a shit. It's only a small number of individual people who have ever reached out to me and cited me. And for those, I totally appreciate it. But, it should be more. Frankly, WAY MORE. Even in some cases when I review something or talk about a band or artist 1st, am I cited?..no. Not very often. It's not fair, but regardless, it's a failure for the most part.
"Theoretically none of that should matter" -James Bickers
It's still a failure if the goal is to be credited as being 1st to the punch or even helping out that little band out.
Psych: Myself along with my friend John did a podcast, that was low-fidelity and not setup with RSS. Or most importantly, not really acknowledged by the people involved with the show. FAILURE for sure.
And the show itself is not referenced or talked about as much as it should. Other shows, sitcoms and things are more so.
CON: I tried doing things at CONvergence and even MarsCON. Like a room with sync-ing movies with albums. Or even being able to use another guy's room to do that. It never happened. Complete failure. That may have been the whole great-idea-on-paper that wasn't practical. Paying ROYALTIES and then all the babblinng on in the busy areas in the hotel killed most of it. It sucks. Too Much Money and work
Sorry, but I didn't have the time and money to invest my whole year into planning a weekend like that. Too many Hoops to jump through, Having to register over a year ahead of time, pay for passes and then the other fees, Getting a room in a good location where people will find it. Blah Blah Blah
No, and the social aspect of CON sort of went downhill anyway. Too clique-ish and people got offended easily...sorry, but it didn't work. But, thus a FAILURE.
Job/Work/Career: To be included later or elsewhere
Marriage/Relationships: Before I met Joyce, my longest relationship was like 1 month, lol. Women never approached me. Finding a woman into my interests was super rare and challenging. Now with Joyce, it was not identical interests and passions either, but somehow it didn't matter for her and me. We made it work But I can't say my goal of finding a woman who loved my music or other things was a major success with Joyce. But the relationship and love was. Except now, she is gone. So, it was not a Failure for how long it lasted, but it wasn't a lifelong success, not due to any fault of my own.
Should I have bugged her to go get a physical? yes. Survivors guilt now.Joyce was strong willed and super stubborn, so I was trying to keep the peace, But did I FAIL her in that sense? maybe. Her Fate with her health may not have been much better had I. So, it wasn't necessarily a failure for what I could have done. However comparing it to so many others I know who have or may have lifelong relationshis and marriages?..yeah sadly, even my marriage of almost 9 years and 14+ year relationship still feels like a failure.
But I was born with a health condition when I was an infant, and I may not have not survived it. I'm not sure, so in that sense I am a success by still being here at this point, if I want to look at it that way. Had I not survived, I wouldn't have tried to do all this stuff though.
I may publish a book some day, or actually feel like I received more gratification from the things in my life I (have tried) to do. But that remains to happen or be seen. I am trying my best to keep going, But to deny that a lot of these things I hoped for 1 result, did not find that result at this point, is something I can't deny I believe.
But what is the common denominator with all of this stuff? ..ME
But as I posted on Threads the other day
