Joyce - PTSD

 It's been a year and I still don't understand why this happened to her and me. What I did to deserve it.
I often have sobbing moments and then they linger and think about how my life has been hijacked by going through this and I want to scream as loud as I can.

Why?

I lived my whole life, or my whole adult-life and even when I was in High School, naturally hoping to find someone who understood me. Who would "get" me and care about me and I would care about. And I met Joyce when I was 34. So I spent 20 or more years, single, a loner. I used to say "music is my girlfriend" in fact.

And then when I met Joyce, after feeling frustrated for years with dating or even lack-their-of. Feeling invisible to women. And Joyce was different. And we shared our lives, very extensively for 14 years. Being married for almost 9 years.

I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with her, like many who get married. But no, it was too good to be true, like many of my other life experiences.

Too Good to be True..it's like one of those things you seek out or hope might finally happen for you 1 day, and it sort of does, but then it doesn't fulfill that hope entirely.

I don't know. Life's not fair I guess. And now I am left a year later, trying to figure out how to live by myself most of the time. All these communities and groups I have joined, some more than likely longer-term like Mt. Zion Synagogue, and others like some of the Widow communities, which may or may not ultimately be for me to part of longterm.

And along with Joyce, the other losses. Mocha my kitty, and then the names I say to myself every week at Shabbat services. Saundra, Diana, Tim, Rosie, Anthony..and now Marie and Mike.

A lot of loss, that makes me feel like I'm in a War Zone. They are casualties, and I am a survivor, whether fair or not.

I don't know how easy the Year of 2nds will be, and especially just this continued lonely life that has been forced upon me. I hope it will get easier. I guess at least trying many new things like the Walking Group, Grief Community Ritual at Lakewood Cemtery, Bowling League, Vinyl Nights at Stereoland and going to Hifi Sound, Uptown Movie Club, and events with the Twin Cities Single Geeks and the Neurodivergent Group among others may help.

But I miss Joyce. I will likely always miss her. I have got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which it just hit me, is more less the same thing as a grief triggeer. When I go to Target, or Cub or Walmart. And the Calendar events every year. Maybe the PTSD tears will fade and my struggles with Musical Anhedonia may not be so severe.

And being single and wanting to find a companion..someone to date that hopefully could be a long term relationship. But how I am supposed to do that while maintaining Joyce's regular presence in my mind, heart, dialog/conversation. And feeling like a woman needs to "get me" and get my obsession with music and progressive rock especially. I should feel I deserve to be selfish, even as rare as that might to find a woman whose a muso (which is not exclusively a MUSICIAN hence, JOYCE herself).

But dating..I totally suck at it. And it's a neverending frustration that I have become plagued by not too long after she died. I am not used to being alone. Eating dinner alone. Going to trivia alone. Going shopping alone even. Going to events alone while others are there with their partners or at least friends. It's an ADJUSTMENT DISORDER and an illness that I may always have, at least until i am with someone else again.

But coming to grips with, I could be alone like I have been for a long time, if not the rest of my life. And because of what? because Joyce never went to the doctor and liked candy and snacks and didn't exercise enough?..how is that fair? she wasn't dealing with any obvious physical issues until it was Stage IV?..it's so cruel to think about./ yeah, she didn't die from an accident or being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe it was her negligence and lack of awareness of non-apparent health risks?..at 49 and 50 years old?

Human beings were not all meant to live into their 70's and 80's..even if genetics suggested they could. But it just so happened to have to happen to her. 

I don't know, a year ago early on after she died, the 1 thing I hoped was that others wouldn't go through this too. And now even know some who have. It makes me think back to that whole thing about human beings on this planet and universe and lifespans are just a big cosmic and evolutionary joke. Humans like other lifeforms are created and born and live and die. Nothing more. And we come back with no memory or awareness of those past lives. Past existences. Just like maybe Joyce and I were around 500 years ago or 5,000 years ago..our energy was. And we will both comeback in the year 2237 or something as humans again? with no memory of our love and married from 2011-2025.

It's fucking cruel and I don't know if I will ever escape thinking about it until I die, whenever that is.

Therapy..grief triggers and trying to learn to live with them...

 I was googling what I am facing because while a lot of the day I'm not breaking down in tears, it still hits me. AI says grief can last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years on average.

And in some cases, it never fully goes away.

So I found this here on reddit which talks about ways it can get better or easier.

But I guess with the loss of Joyce I actually now have another condition if not disease.

-Digestive (IBS/IBD or just Lactose Intolerance + intolerance to processing foods with a lot of oil or fat content or a lot of heavy meals at once)

-Degenerative Disc in the spine + weak core (which may be remedied somewhat from PT or strengthening my core. Weight loss of late may have helped it a little). Wearing a brace sometimes while doing the dishes, laundry, and especially record shopping can help

-Kidney Stones. Remedied well with change in diet and meds

-Diabetes, Remedied well with change in diet and meds; Metformin + Insulin

-Blood Clot, Remedied with a blood thinner and stretching

-Reoccurring Pinched Nerve, remedied often by avoiding how I sit for long periods of time

-Missophonia

-Deviated Septum (including regular post-nasal drip)

-So add Grief and/or at least a short term level of depression.

It's better to have loved and lost, than to never loved at all.

I will always probably agree with this, however knowing what I am going through at times now and maybe more so, long term or even permanently, the question can be raised about how much it holds true.

And looking at much of what I used to whine about in in My Livejournal the 26-30 year old version of me would think I'm crazy to suggest this notion.

But this is not fun at all. I'm being continously reminded, almost tortured that she isn't here anymore, and the things I'm trying to do, something simple as eating dinner, I don't have her to eat with. Eating late, which was a terrible habit I had when I was in my 20's and even 30's, including with her to a point.

I guess part of it is I'm being worn out by trying to get all this stuff done. Get the Slide Show as good as possible, and the Eulogy. Which are close to done, and I have a few days still.

I'm trying to get the photos to be in as close to chronological order as possible. Maybe I shouldn't. Anything close should be fine.

Maybe once Tuesday is over, we've had the service and internment, and then Wednesday at the History Center, and some other odd ends. I eventually go back to work, and the plan to meet at the State Fair and eventually the celebration of Life Party maybe in a few months.

Dinner at Jensen's on our Wedding Anniversary, September 24th.

And more regular therapy sessions with Hospice and some others. Talking to my Aunt and Neighbor more regularly.

Maybe then, some of this stuff..these breakdowns that can occur sometimes in a moment's notice, maybe I will have a better handle on those.

But, I sometimes feel I'm not cut out for this. Not cut out to handle this condition. I was with her for so long, almost every day of my life the last 14+years, it very much feels like part of me died with her (Kevin Gilbert), but I'm sort of trapped if not paralyzed to trying to mentally comprehend who and what I loved for that long, is now just memories and recordings of audio, video, text and in my brain.

I know Joyce would want me to do my best to live as well as I could. To endure and gut out these challenges I am dealing with and will continue to face. Probably better me than her, I think, per she could turn into a basket case rather easily (the panic in the middle of Wisconsin in the dark at night without Cell service last September is a prime example).

But it hardly means I will be able to get past this stuff or even easily learn to live and accept it, at least initially. I actually worry that this could be way WAY harder than any of those conditions I have lived with.

Really. It could quite likely seem like Night and Day. At least for a window of time.

I may eventually date another woman which might help, but it will likely never end the memories and experiences I will be reminded of, of Joyce. The woman I may date should at least understand that, but I'm not sure when that will be. Even if, depending on how I do in getting better.

I don't love to compare, but the Cancer and Chemotherapy..and other treatments Joyce may have tried or looked at trying..combined with what the Cancer was doing to her, would still be way worse. But from a Mental standpoint, Grief seems like it feels like Cancer of Emotion and Mental Health. Not *brain* cancer of course, I don't think. But just sometthing that is super powerful  to your mind and heart in some ways, that it can have that strong an impact on how you live.

I hope trying to do normal things like work and things I enjoy, even if they are things that trigger memories or things Joyce and I did, they will change from crushing breakdowns, to laughter and happiness. Fun things.

I got the Jeff Buckley doc next week..other concerts like Those Medley Kids doing disc 1 of The Lamb.

Movies like Bad Guys 2, Happy Gilmore 2, Naked Gun revival..Minanimate, Stranger Things Season 5, Superman, Wycaro 339. State Fair, Ren Fest. Maybe the Twin Cities Film Fest. Candy Store and Apple Orchard and maybe Paisley Park with Shane (+record shopping).

And other things like trips to Vegas, Seattle and maybe even England to want to do.

Kevin Gilbert's Shaming multi-disc and the Shaming Tracks series.

+ Joyce's record collection A-Z (+other items).
And the WAMR or KAMR podcast.

But, if I'm going to do and enjoy any of this stuff, I am going to have to live-with if not greatly reduce my difficulty with these Grief episodes.

I want to believe I will be able to. And I do plan to join likely Mt. Zion and attend services on Shabbat and then go see her and the fur-babies. Maybe with others like her mom and maybe friends.

But..I also keep getting reminders from stuff like songs I love about my situation.

You're Gone from Marillion

The Great Escape + Made Again from Marillion

Song for a Dead Friend from Kevin Gilbert

Take Away My Pain from Dream Theater

many many others..even just the whole MTV thing she grew up with and loved. She would even have Martha Quinn on KOOL 108 at work. And the Buggles Video Killed the Radio Star..that whole era makes me think of Joyce both as a little girl listening.watching it, and when I knew her...so many triggers. 

The therapist I talked to the other night named Gena said to try and let it all out. I have, and it does help, but it only stops until it happens again. Talking to them or friends for long stretches does help though. I just can't expect to have them available every night. At some point, it will either be some kind of medication that'll help me, or I will get past it and the triggers as often. Not entirely, but at least A LOT LESS.