Joyce - PTSD

 It's been a year and I still don't understand why this happened to her and me. What I did to deserve it.
I often have sobbing moments and then they linger and think about how my life has been hijacked by going through this and I want to scream as loud as I can.

Why?

I lived my whole life, or my whole adult-life and even when I was in High School, naturally hoping to find someone who understood me. Who would "get" me and care about me and I would care about. And I met Joyce when I was 34. So I spent 20 or more years, single, a loner. I used to say "music is my girlfriend" in fact.

And then when I met Joyce, after feeling frustrated for years with dating or even lack-their-of. Feeling invisible to women. And Joyce was different. And we shared our lives, very extensively for 14 years. Being married for almost 9 years.

I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with her, like many who get married. But no, it was too good to be true, like many of my other life experiences.

Too Good to be True..it's like one of those things you seek out or hope might finally happen for you 1 day, and it sort of does, but then it doesn't fulfill that hope entirely.

I don't know. Life's not fair I guess. And now I am left a year later, trying to figure out how to live by myself most of the time. All these communities and groups I have joined, some more than likely longer-term like Mt. Zion Synagogue, and others like some of the Widow communities, which may or may not ultimately be for me to part of longterm.

And along with Joyce, the other losses. Mocha my kitty, and then the names I say to myself every week at Shabbat services. Saundra, Diana, Tim, Rosie, Anthony..and now Marie and Mike.

A lot of loss, that makes me feel like I'm in a War Zone. They are casualties, and I am a survivor, whether fair or not.

I don't know how easy the Year of 2nds will be, and especially just this continued lonely life that has been forced upon me. I hope it will get easier. I guess at least trying many new things like the Walking Group, Grief Community Ritual at Lakewood Cemtery, Bowling League, Vinyl Nights at Stereoland and going to Hifi Sound, Uptown Movie Club, and events with the Twin Cities Single Geeks and the Neurodivergent Group among others may help.

But I miss Joyce. I will likely always miss her. I have got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which it just hit me, is more less the same thing as a grief triggeer. When I go to Target, or Cub or Walmart. And the Calendar events every year. Maybe the PTSD tears will fade and my struggles with Musical Anhedonia may not be so severe.

And being single and wanting to find a companion..someone to date that hopefully could be a long term relationship. But how I am supposed to do that while maintaining Joyce's regular presence in my mind, heart, dialog/conversation. And feeling like a woman needs to "get me" and get my obsession with music and progressive rock especially. I should feel I deserve to be selfish, even as rare as that might to find a woman whose a muso (which is not exclusively a MUSICIAN hence, JOYCE herself).

But dating..I totally suck at it. And it's a neverending frustration that I have become plagued by not too long after she died. I am not used to being alone. Eating dinner alone. Going to trivia alone. Going shopping alone even. Going to events alone while others are there with their partners or at least friends. It's an ADJUSTMENT DISORDER and an illness that I may always have, at least until i am with someone else again.

But coming to grips with, I could be alone like I have been for a long time, if not the rest of my life. And because of what? because Joyce never went to the doctor and liked candy and snacks and didn't exercise enough?..how is that fair? she wasn't dealing with any obvious physical issues until it was Stage IV?..it's so cruel to think about./ yeah, she didn't die from an accident or being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe it was her negligence and lack of awareness of non-apparent health risks?..at 49 and 50 years old?

Human beings were not all meant to live into their 70's and 80's..even if genetics suggested they could. But it just so happened to have to happen to her. 

I don't know, a year ago early on after she died, the 1 thing I hoped was that others wouldn't go through this too. And now even know some who have. It makes me think back to that whole thing about human beings on this planet and universe and lifespans are just a big cosmic and evolutionary joke. Humans like other lifeforms are created and born and live and die. Nothing more. And we come back with no memory or awareness of those past lives. Past existences. Just like maybe Joyce and I were around 500 years ago or 5,000 years ago..our energy was. And we will both comeback in the year 2237 or something as humans again? with no memory of our love and married from 2011-2025.

It's fucking cruel and I don't know if I will ever escape thinking about it until I die, whenever that is.

Nearly 1 year...

 And I'm not sure how much better I am. I may be in some ways, a lot worse.

Sometimes I think the universe either is out to get me, or how everything that may make my life a little easier, turns out too good to be true.

Rebecca: "Sam, I was wrong about men. I was wrong about my career. And I’ve been wrong about every single thing I’ve ever thought, felt, or believed in my entire life!"

Sam: "Well... I wouldn't go that far. You still look great."

It's like you'd think just losing Joyce is hard enough, but all that has followed and it keeps piling up on me. I just wonder why am i still here? Does the universe and my existence just want to keep beating me up?..at some point I will be gone and it won't be able to.

-Joyce's funeral 

-Mocha

-misunderstandings

-Jury Duty

-Grandma/Saundra

-Saundra

-All of the "Year of 1sts"

-My company/job

-Diana Green

-Rosie

-romantic lesson

-Tim

-Grandma and family related concerns

-Anthony

-romantic kerfuffle

-Kaja gets sick and is still not out of the woods

-ER visit for a pinched nerve and heart issue/blood pressure

-The different groups I join and then they go sour (I'm not going to name specifics, but let's just say more than 1 I have felt isolated by some individuals)

and it'll be 1 year in a few weeks. Then as I understand to many, the 2nd year can get worse emotionally. I just..I'm not cut out of for this. i don't think I was ever cut out for marriage or even a relationship now thinking about it anyway. But I fell into the trap. I loved Joyce, and did my best. And now I am doing my best to figure this shit out. But it's taxing as fuck. Someone else would have been able to handle this better.

Spending 99% of my time the last 14 years with a woman and then almost in an instant she is gone, unforeseen. And my brain and whole body became so accustomed to her, that existing without her seems not real. Not something my body can survive even.

And now I may face a major health issue, all alone. Sure I have family and friends, but it's not the same. To face a major health issue, now at 50 years old, all alone day-2-day. Some do it. But like had I been alone when I got diabetes or the blood clot?..I would have gone to my parents. But Joyce and Saundra..and my primary doctor of course did help me a lot. But initially it was Joyce and Saundra. I had no idea wtf I was dealing with.

But, yeah I still have my primary doctor, but I see her maybe a few times a year. Sure, in emergencies.

I've become codependent and super sadly reliant on having someone here to help me with this. And between Joyce and I, I am the one who previously lived alone.

So..you know, either my luck needs to turn around soon, or idk..more mental health? not like I haven't had much of it already. yeah..the fucking service I thought would help me..like in a dark deep despair time, I have had some less than ideal experiences with...

maybe getting through this month..and August and September?..yeah but then all the fucking holidays and things about Joyce come up again. Maybe January?..maybe. 

You know I need to spill some guts about dating again here.

Why do I feel, like back in the Okstupid days, I bend over backwards for these attractive women? And why can't I feel or for that matter why must I censor myself? both with potential women to date and talking to others including widows, to not talk about Joyce.

So I mean here I go again..I just "YOU'RE NOT READY" and "you'll know when you're ready" + "you're still grieving"

You know what? who is ANYONE out there to tell me WHEN I'M READY or if I can or cannot date if I am "still grieving."????

How about this? I HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH CONDITION THAT GIVES ME NO CHOICE TO NEVER FILTER MY TALKING ABOUT JOYCE. NEVER. NADDA. ZERO. ZIP. ZILCH. AND IT'S NOT TEMPORARY. IT'S A PERMANENT CONDITION. NEVER GOING AWAY. 

I'D HAVE TO GET A FUCKING LOBOTOMY TO GET RID OF IT.

IT'S LIKE TRYING TO CONVINCE JOYCE TO LIKE THE BEATLES. IT NEVER COULD AND NEVER DID HAPPEN...........NEVER!..AND SHE WOULD GIVE 78 ARGUMENTS WHY THAT YOU WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ARGUMENT WITH.

So..that's it. I'm done right? I'll never have a girlfriend again. maybe not even be intimate with a woman again. Sure as all fuck won't find a woman whose into prog or collects vinyl obsessively.

Nope..all because I not only love Joyce, but her imprint on my brain and rituals and personality and memories and foods and friends and family and pop culture and pets and opinions about demographics and her work/career and trips and shopping and collecting and stores and yearly traditions and competitiveness and shopping habits and stories and social approaches and anecdotes and watching lists and youtube and anything that's cute and fighting for marginalized groups and minorities and under-represented and being a genuis and doing research and speaking out for what should fair and complaining about foods and other items going away and being sad about businessess closing and marching to the beat of her own drum and feeling like you are shouting and no one seems to hear and having deep superior knowledge of 80's and 80's nostalgia and getting ice cream and getting mcdonalds brekky fast sandwich and her french toast recipe and her zuchinni recipe with tomato soup and garlic and her Coco nursery rhymes and using Latte with the loving you lots and lots song and epic phone calls with Saundra and when i chimed in "do you want to talk to her?"..and A&W and Rudy Rootbeer and donuts and mama's favorite restaurants and Joyce's top 5 salads and Tres Leche with Latte and getting pissed when T found stuff at DT and seeing the stuff at DT in White Bear Lake and mama's calling and calling and calling and getting pissed and when celebrity deaths happened like George Michael Whitney and Nez, Peter and Davy and ..and being annoyed by Awards shows and Beat Shazam..and being late and blaming Papa and hating shopping for gifts or even the other holiday things for family and Mama's cookies with the kids and being late for a movie and getting pissed and then later when she's wrong saying "shutup" to Papa.

there's a lot more of course..

so..yeah how? how exactly aren't countless of these things to be mentioned by me?..how..like Rebecca Howe Rebecca Who Rebecca Where...how?..I'd LOVE to know because I've thought about this for darn near a year and I still have no clue HOWWWWWWWWWWW

So..so that's just it. These people..these women who can't be with someone who has absolutely NO ABILITY to stop talking about his late wife, well that's it. I am doomed to be alone because I am confined to be in love with Joyce, my memories with Joyce, and all that Joyce PUT INTO ME..even though she's gone for the rest of my life.

Or..perhaps a woman is out there who has absolutely no issue about hearing about Joyce regularly. Now..there's a thought?..

Dating....

I feel like I have no idea wtf I am doing.

Ok so Valentine's Day was this Epic triumph for me after dreading it. i did buy balloons at Dollar Tree and Pink Roses at Targhetto for her. Also heart-shaped containers with Rasberries and Strawberries at Target as well.

And even a piece of marble cake. Unsure how much Joyce would have appreciated it as she wasn't huge into frosting.

But I also did 5? things

-Local Widows (Large group) lunch out in Bloomington
-Picked up Popusas and Carmel Corn in South Minneapolis as a benefit for businesses affected by ICE. I also chatted with a woman there who I think knows Joyce's friend Rhonda

-ASMR In Person treatment. This was incredible! Like a massage + more. And even in some ways more in depth? than some of the multi-person ASMR videos found on YouTube. This woman who helped me April, was such a sweeheart, and told me anything I wanted. So it was like gently hitting nerves that have been dormant for years. Although as much as it is AUDITORY Sensory Meridian Response, emphasis on the *auditory* she didn't do a ton with my ears up close. But Raincheck. I definitely will go back. How often? I don't know. Maybe once every month or maybe every other month per it will add up. But the cost was soh worth it.

-Dinner alone at 1881 Eating House in St.Paul. The local Widow group from St.Paul had this place schedule to meet twice in December and January. Both were cancelled. So I wanted to go. It was really good, even though I was dining out alone on Valentine's Day. I wanted to, although bring my laptop. I sort of wanted to face the music. Knowing Joyce should be with me, but she wasn't. I was in tears at times though. 

But it was nice. The food was good, includng giving me a free piece of turtle cheesecake (I told them about Joyce and being widowed which I guess is common).

-Chaplin's films The Immigrant and The Kid at the Capri Theater in North Minneapolis. I met someone for these, that had 2 different ensembles playing music to them (The Poor Nobodys and The Curse of the Vampire Orchestra). I found about this from this person who i had met the previous Wednesday at a Timeleft dinner. 

This woman I met and I grabbed a bite, at Pizza Luce afterwards. And spent several days together after that.

However, we are not dating right now, mostly due to timing. We went to a screening of "Snow" the next evening at the Parkway Theater in Minneapolis. Snow (not the Spock's Beard album), was a locally based film shot in 1996 about a White man whose relationship  with his girlfriend is ending, or ended, but he's still living with her. But he meets/meets again a black woman who enjoys his music. It is rather real and romantic in a lot of ways. Shows Minneapolis in the mid 90's, although was shot in Black & White. It was restored for this screening and I picked up the Bluray (yet still do not have a bluray DVD player, lol).

This woman who I was seeing, came with me to the film. Although my thoughts were with Joyce still. I think Joyce may have appreciated this film, even the kind of music wasn't her (indie/alternative punk ala Husker Du/Replacements). The dynamic and premise may have appealed to with us.

I did cry at 1 point towards the end. 

The trailer for Snow is here but it also is on Vimeo I believe. I'm surprised though I never saw or heard about it. It was shown on Sundance many times for a few years in the late 90's/early 2000's, 

But this woman and I stopped seeing eachother a few days after that. Why? it's complicated.

I like a lot about her, but when my mother-in-law went into the Hospital and I came home to Kaja after being gone for 12 hours, it hit me how I'm not sure I can do a relationship like that. Maybe that's selfish? IDK

I mean for the right woman, and over some time, sure I am interested in a relationship. But while I am lonely and miss Joyce dearly (+Saundra and even Mocha), I am trying to build some semblance of a life for myself with my activities:

-Library
-Cafe
-Temple
-Widow Groups
-Temple Groups
-JCC

-Timeleft
-TC Geeks
-Bowling?
-Golf?
-Writing Course?

all while keeping and gaining new friendships, including WITH SINGLE WOMEN that starting an exclusive relationship may compromise. IDK.

I just felt so guilty coming home that night, like I was throwing a lot away. My mother-in-law's health, and just the changes that have happened, are happening, and will happen I don't know if I can handle so fast.

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To go along with, I don't know if committing to someone so fast even if my grief for Joyce was changing. Which it is, but. But also things like our 1st Date Anniversary this month or the hopeful Celebration of Life around Joyce's birthday. Will whoever I could be dating be ok with? If she really liked and cared about me, she would understand these are very important things to me. Frankly, and I've mentioned this before A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT JOYCE, THINGS JOYCE AND I DID AND STILL WANT TO DO ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

Like the Record Store Day and The Kickoff to the Fair. Memorial Day? Animated Movies, certain concerts. Even still buying music and some of her things like Hello Kitty.

I'm still torn, but don't want to let go of these things about her, with her. I intend to still write and share stories about her. Really indefinitely. Why I've said, in a lot of ways, dating me is dating me+Joyce.

Oddly though, the brief experience with this woman I dated for a week, she didn't seem to mind when I talked about Joyce. Although who knows if that would always be the case.

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But another big point I am thinking about is, I would like to be with someone who *gets* me. Gets my love of progressive rock, if not also shares it. Joyce *got me* but did not of course share my love of it. Will I end up with a woman who shares it? Maybe I deserve to be selfish in some ways and feel I should. This has been in my head for 30 fucking years. And I've gone back and forth and back and forth.

A woman into Prog who is single, lives in my town (or maybe could move? i guess), and there would not be too many reservations with. Lifestyle, etc. And I also would need to be attracted to her and likely within my dating age range. 

This woman: does she exist? I still contend no. But I could be wrong. Maybe I am wrong or am currently wrong, but won't always be.

Holding out for the Muso Woman in the Twin Cities..yeah and for how long?

I mean even just 1 artist/band I love might be enough. Let me meet a single woman in Minnesota who is a Kevin Gilbert fan. Or a Marillion fan (I have a friend here, except I see her just as a friend among other reasons), or a Dream Theater fan. Rush fan, Yes fan, Fates Warning fan, Pain of Salvation fan, , Pepe Deluxe Fan, sElf fan, Jellyfish fan, etc


But women who are Musos are not easily found, single, or something else. I wonder though, the whole "getting them into" prog or any number of these bands I love. The other problem being though, I once dated a woman who got into dredg and mutemath and I was introducing her to bands and it didn't feel fully genuine. That wasn't the only reason why things ended between myself and that woman, but the whole force-feeding her music felt too much. She needs to want to and genuininely like the music, and not purely because of me.

And the same can be for myself. Joyce? yeah artists like Josh Rouse and Mayer Hawthorne and Chromeo I never would have got into if it wasn't for her. And I genuinely do like a lot of their music.

But it seems like every time I wonder if it could happen, it doesn't. Even recently I came across a woman who was super into Star Trek and Scifi stuff, but then I realized something about her which is pretty much a dealbreaker. I don't know if things might have happened between us or not regardless, but the dealbreaker ended my interest of course.

-----------------------------

So where am I at? now some 7 months out from Joyce. In tears almost every day for her. Missing her, remembering her from music or just things we did. And I am lonely, but I have been helped by a lot of these activities I'm doing. People I'm talking to through Facebook and Zoom Meetings and Discord. Will I end up dating more? As much as the apps (FB Dating) I have had next to no luck with (sending far too many messages with like 2 or 3 replies over the course of 3 months); I do still wish to try doing more of it. There are Singles groups (Break the Bubble via meetup) that do things. There's 1 for Twin Cities Geeks even.

I do wonder, the woman who might be able to push my buttons would even bother with singles groups and apps. Probably not. Which suggests something more active like the writing course I want to take or volunteering somewhere might more likely to meet her. I just wonder where and when. It's dumb luck. IDK.

And I spend a lot of time with the Widows Singles Dating group Zoom and maybe in some ways it has got me thinking too much about this stuff. Granted, most of them are way further out than the 7 months I am. There's another group of "Young Widows" who more are on a similar recent time frame. But a) there's nobody I've met among that group from Minnesota that is looking to date anyway. I have a few, including a friend of mine named Lisa. IDK.

I have told Gemini a lot about this and it's frustrating. I would be ok being single for awhile, maybe always if I didn't feel like a loser eating dinner alone. Going to events always alone. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I sort of always have actually. Should I? maybe not. The whole adage

-love yourself 1st.

-Work on yourself before you can share your life with someone else

-Better to be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong reasons.

 -------------------------------------------

And at least according to some women, women could and would like me, but the proof is in the pudding. I still feel like in public I almost always need to initiate conversation. Always..like 487 times in a row always. So, while maybe I am attractive to some women at least, not enough for them to approach me. But women don't approach men, like almost never. Especially younger women. But I'm not always around women 15-30 years old. Sure, sometimes, but a lot of them no. Maybe they aren't single women? ok. I still think it's hard to realize that reality.

It's like I'm a camoflouaged catch that either women don't realize is there, or do, but just don't do much if anything to catch my attention.

But like I said, I thought after losing the love of my life and soulmate, I should get to be picky. And maybe being picky means, I need to be attracted to her and I need to be able to share 1 or more of my passions with her. The Progger or Scifi Nerd woman.

But I can hear or recall it from more than 1 answer on OkCupid or some of the forums 

"well, then you may be looking for a long time if ever"

it was so discouraging to read that from women and some guys. Mostly women. There was more than 1 response I got and I felt like giving her the middle fucking finger.

I.e. what she was saying is, the woman who actually is single and shares my so esoteric, niche taste in music or entertainment really doesn't exist. And may never. 

I mean they do exist I guess, but I have not been lucky enough. There's always something, like she doesn't live anywhere near me. Or She's not single. She's not single. She's not single. She's not single. etc etc.

I don't think in the history of dating, has a woman ever included "prog rock" as her biggest interest. Even interest at all. Honestly, if she included some bands she enjoyed like The Mars Volta, Rush, Yes, Genesis, Dream Theater, Porcupine Tree...the wording "prog rock" would not mean much. 

But they don't, It's a sausage fest.

Or even if she was a YouTuber or Podcaster, which I have found a few. But not near me. There's this woman I found on threads who makes a podcast about the history of music. She even has several tattoos involving the history of music. But I haven't followed up with her in several weeks. And she lives in Florida of course, lol. I would guess she has a boyfriend though. But that is rare, Although I do see more and more women showing vinyl or talking about music or song lists, not so much on YouTube but of course the short-attention-based-for-the-annoying-algorithm that are shorts on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.

I wonder though..if a woman I met loved prog, but used those platforms for her social media, it begs the question is she really into it that much? per the psychology or mentality behind someone who appreciaes my music, they would not want to compromise their approach and honestly not care that much about whether their video is 15-45 minutes long. They would not want to make 30 second or 2-3 minute videos per that is selling the content *short* (no pun intended).

Why that woman who makes the podcast about the history of music is more my speed in that, she doesn't give a shit what Social media wants her to do to get likes.

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So, well I feel terrible as I haven't written much in here or the Substack about Joyce lately. I haven't even done my 2026 Rock Hall Nominations Rant for YouTube or talked about Esperanza Spalding or shown a new Vinyl I got in the mail yet. I tried filiming the Rock Hall Rant the other day and the camera stopped recording. So I need to refilm it. I *hate* having to do that. Waste of time and energy, but it happens. I will try soon to finally to.

And all the albums I have slept on, lol. My working out tho at the JCC has me wanting to listen to favorites and close my eyes and feel like I'm transported back when I 1st was hearing said album. Dredg's Catch Without Arms, Fair to Midland Fables from a MayFly..Pepe Deluxe Queen of the Wave, etc.

I also thought about trying to make a Top Prog Metal songs list. Jordan Blum did 1 I'm sure not long ago, but my list would of course be different. I'll see.

Broken Record, or just a work in progress?

 So, I keep going back and fortrh with this. 

It's been about 5.5 months since Joyce died. And I miss her every day, every hour really. 

But I also miss having someone to do stuff with. And I wish the whole accepting being alone part would be easier or get easier, but it just hasn't yet at least.

I feel like I'm feeling wrong or something. Like I'm not supposed to feel interest in other women yet. I feel like one of the lonely puppies that is abandoned and yearns for love, but isn't supposed to have love until it can be ready to. But also doesn't know how long it will take until it's ready.

Maybe my mentality will change.

Because meeting a lot of new people, including a lot of women shouldn't feel wrong, or desparate. I maybe am overanalyzing this. But like many widows, the idea of being forced to not feel loved by someone or not having someone who generally cares for you, in person, on a daily basis, just feels so deflating.

I've asked ChatGPT about this, and it's normally saying like "because you are going through grief, it's more of the idea of having a romantic companion that you want, rather than actually wanting and needing someone right now"

And I follow it may be unfair to another woman who sees my grief for Joyce as something that doesn't give her the attention she deserves.

It's human instinct and psychology though. I wrote this a few times in chats with people in the last week.

When you are in a happy romantic relationship, you can't imagine not being in love. And when you lose having that love, it's something you can't fathom not having anymore, and it in some ways is all you think about.

Sure, a new relationship may not cure my grief. And it may not last too. But it doesn't change the fact it's a constant hope and desire to try and help gain back the happiness and joy and comfort of the relationship I had with Joyce.

And full disclosure, I'm befriending several women, but admittedly, a lot of them are just online and I suspect most if not all of them only see talking to me as friends. Which isn't a bad thing, and may all of them I will only be friends with. But it still is hard to not feel like maybe I won't experience love again, and soon. But love doesn't always work like that. 

Love fucking takes time. Some of which I may not be good enough. But Love also seems to be something that happens when you aren't seeking it out. So, I'm more or less destined right now not to ever find it....fuck you love.

I sound like a headcase, jeez. Desparate, but in fact I'm not like desparate in the sense I want to have love, or fall in love with any woman. I just would do almost anything to if not having Joyce back, at least have that feeling of comfort and security of someone who loves me, tolerates me and my babbling, because she sees my heart caring about her too.

But it just isn't that simple. And how and where it could start, I'm trying to meet people, women, etc but I feel like if I am trying, it'll never happen. Or at least it's a huge longshot.

It'll way likely more happen if SHE notices me. I wrote that idea on reddit a few weeks ago. The woman at least initially, more or  less controls this. She has the power. She drives it. It's not really fair, but it's totally true. Even though the woman normally wants the guy to approach her.

Why I suck. Why I have never had any other relationships that lasted before Joyce. Joyce liked me. Joyce said in her vows "When we met, Kyle asked me, Are you married or do you have a boyfriend? Or are you dating someone? and I'm thinking, WHO IS THIS GUY?"

So, why I just am going to try doing this until some woman just flat out says to me, she likes me I guess, lol. But I just doubt that will happen. And then it comes down to actually dating and being in a relationship. I mean the heart wants that, and probably way faster than it should.

The heart doesn't have patience like it should. Because I know very well, you can't really fall in love and know you love someone in like a week or even a month. It can and likely always will take much longer.

But the feeling of someone loving you and you loving them..even if it doesn't last, is sort of like esctasy. I guess for those who never have it, I sympathize with them if they want it. Although sometimes those who do get the experience of being in love, don't do it intentionally. I.e. many don't want it, and it just happens. And many who think they don't want, and have never had it, might feel different if they had love.

I just also feel, almost out of nowhere, the woman I love and who loved me was just snatched away in like an instant. It keeps making me feel like life is shorter than I realized it can be. And I may never get to have or be in love again. I know many don't ever, and so by that fact, I should feel grateful. Per I pretty much felt like it would never happen for me. I would be lonesome and alone my whole life.

And now I feel like I may for the rest of my life, especially depending on how long I am around and what I do. "Working on myself" which I know sometimes works for people, I just wish in having to do that, the desire for love and regular companionship from a woman would not so constantly be on my mind. Or at least the back of my mind.

I can also say, meeting Joyce doing the music library work at KFAI. Being at KFAI for a purpose other than meeting women (although it was certainly on my mind during both stints I was there), sort of gave me the whole, nothing-to-lose idea. And I did it for a few months before anything happened between Joyce and I. In fact I remember there were weeks she wasn't there early on and I missed her. I even almost assumed she was done with KFAI I recall. Because sometimes you see someone once or twice at something, and then they leave or never return. 

But I can say, like the idea of a cooking class or maybe more so, the writing class I could take, would be similar to my going to KFAI. I would be taking the writing class for WRITING. And other than time and the cost of the class, I wouldn't have much to lose. And perhaps being in the class, I could meet some of the classmates and there could be a woman in the class who I could meet and get to know like I did with Joyce.

Even if I totally suck in the class. Which I reallty don't know how well I may do. I like how I write, and others have told me they like I how I write. But that doesn't necessarily mean a professor or a TA who reads my writing will care for my writing. Or for that matter, maybe classmates. But, it likely has very low risk, and only potential gain.

And in a lot of ways it could feel way more organic than meeting someone on an App or even through a Facebook Group necessarily. I'm unsure. I mean if I met someone that way and ended up in a happy relationship, sure, I wouldn't complain. But like with Joyce, meeting someone doing an activity would feel good in a lot of ways. Joyce agreed. Her friend Emily wanted her to sign up to OKCupid in December 2010. She was going to, but then she met me and never had to. I was on OKCupid off and on for many years, but I suspect Joyce would have not given me the time of day on there. "Prog Rock and Scifi"?..yeah, no bueno for Mama.

But, look what happened? lol..

Hello Kitty...Companionship vs Loneliness

 So 

So these were announced about a month ago to be special Hello Kitty Starbucks items for sale November 6th at Starbucks locations.

Joyce loved Hello Kitty. She got sucked-in, or was way in before the masses got totally sucked-in to Hello-Kitty per her endless collection of items. And I'm 99.99% certain she would have wanted the Plushie and maybe the Mug. Probably the mug.

Joyce's cousin notified me about this about a month ago, and she is into Hello Kitty very much like Joyce. Although Joyce being the competitive collector she was, would always claim to be more into HK than her cousin. But her cousin probably got into it largely per Joyce anyway.

Well Victoria got up this morning and after over an hour of waiting, managed to get a Plushie at a Starbucks, at like 6:30AM. The only 1 the Starbucks got, lol. After waiting an hour.

I did not get up in time. Didn't fully realize how mobbed they would be I guess. And a lot of it was likely people buying them and then flipping them on ebay pathetically, and yet quite predictable.

Joyce would get sucked into the hype, and I suppose in a way, I have been too.

I wanted to get 1 of those plushies for her. Even though she's gone. For her memory. But I didn't. I did go to my local Target and found 1 of the plastic glasses at least this evening. But I guess people lined up at 5AM.

I guess I don't feel so bad as getting up so early, going out in the dark, and no guarantee I even get 1, and for her, not myself, I guess it's not going to traumatize me so much. But I can't deny, I am apologizing and feeling guilty.

It goes back in some ways in her missing out on k.d. lang's complete Ingenue concert she missed, or a few years back these Plushies they had at the Cat Cafe Cafe Meow I recall in Minneapolis and New Hope having special movie Plushies for the new Puss N Boots movie. Joyce found out about them the day after the premiere, but I called the Cafe asking if they still had them on Saturday and they were all gone.

She dwelled on that for a few days, and later would bring it up. 

All Papa's fault. I apologized to her even though I didn't know about them. Although I kind of remember telling her we or I could try going over the weekend instead of on the Friday. 

--------------------------------

So transitioning to the topic I have been seeing in many of the Widow/Widower communities (Facebook and Reddit mostly at this point). Being in widowhood, you go from having a companion for so long. In my case, the better part of over 14 years. To back to nobody. Loneliness.

I didn't love being alone before I met Joyce, but I guess I dealt with it, even though I do believe I experienced levels of depression. And I'll admit, even when I was with Joyce, I experienced being lonely in public at times. I think it is my perception of feeling invisible to women. Or to a lot of women.

I guess it could be just random chance on the women I would encounter, and why I never noticed them noticing me. It's like their approach and being conditioned to do their thing in public places, and they are not looking to be approached by men in many environments. The creepy factor. And I don't blame them for that, but it kind of can drive men like myself too far the other way.

It may come down to the place and situation. For example, I was at a movie last night Bugonia (which I filmed a video review for YouTube actually, which I will hopefully put up on my channel soon), and there were maybe 10 people in the theater. One of them, was a woman sitting alone, eating her popcorn. 

After the movie was over, I ended up leaving right in front of her. I could have, but didn't say anything to her. I didn't even look at her after leaving the theater. I do think she went to use the restroom right afterwards. But the point I am making, that's not a situation to approach a woman really. I mean I guess I could have said something to her, or any of the other people leaving the theater. But I was just minding my own business.

And maybe had I, she might have engaged in a short chat with me. But even if that had happened, chances are, I never would see her again. I guess it may depend. The movie was kind of niche. A darker, Scifi Black Comedy of sorts. And it has provoked a lot of chatter I guess afterwards from accounts I've read online.

But the point being, it's so many of these situations that make meeting women at times so challenging. I mean places like book stores, coffee shops, libraries, grocery stores, gyms, walks,, etc are not places most women go to meet men. They go there to do what they want, and then go home. Even record stores or record shows, while obviously they are there per they have an interest in music, like myself. They are not really there to get hit on by men. I mean I suppose it might be a little more likely, but then again, most of the women I ever see at Record Stores and concerts, are not single anyway. I'd estimate 90% or more. And more often than not, they are there with their boyfriend/husband anyway.

Which kind of goes back to my decades old dilemma in that Women into music, collecting music, being super passionate about music, especially the kinds of music I love, are super rare. I'm not saying they don't exist, nor are there none who are single (or even Single maybe looking, per there are many women who are single, and not interested in looking).

But part of the issue comes down to love of music, and not just someone who listens to whatever their friends like or the radio/tiktok trends. Or Country or even say Rap or something. Or "soundtracks."

Because there are plenty of women who enjoy "music" but not really are "musos" or whatever. And I know, Joyce being one, although still a bit of an exception in that her taste in music was not really a "muso" but she was very consumed by the music she loved. It just wasn't about *listening to music*, so much as being able to dance to it or it having a hook. "Pop Music" per say. 

But Prog and Metal? she loathed. But her passion for her music, and it being at least somewhat still within my tastes (80's and 90's Pop among some others), I could connect with her.

But women who even have a Spotify account that show listening to a lot of Sabrina Carpenter, Taylor Swift, Harry Styles, Olivia Rodrigo, Bad Bunny, and the like. Yeah, I would struggle to connect with their music listening tastes.

And even say if they were record collectors. They participate on Record Store Day, or even do YouTube or possibly podcasting about music, at least I might be able to connect to, regardless to much of their taste. But the amount of women I see doing that stuff is sadly still limited. There are some. More than probably their used to be. But it's still largely sausage fests, or even the women that do? yeah they are somewhere else on the planet and likely not single anyway.

I mean I concluded years back, the idea of meeting a woman who I would share the same music taste is not too likely, and even if so, that can't be the basis of a relationship. I suppose there are some couples that do, and it can be a big thing. But things like values, family, and other life interests and priorities can be more important. 

They were with Joyce. And I imagine they could be with someone else. I just find some of it is a culture thing. Joyce connected with me in being so passionate about music. She "got me" in that sense, and I "got her."

I would love to find a companion who "gets me" even if they don't share the same taste or limited taste in music. Or the old adage, maybe she may acquire a taste for some of my taste in music. Although that's often got to be a give-and-take thing. And I did that with Joyce. I got into some of her music, The Monkees, Michael Nesmith, Josh Rouse, Mayer Hawthorne, George Michael even. And she did a bit witht mine like Bend Sinister, sElf and a few other examples.

I dunno, the more I continue to think about this, the more frustrating it gets. And it does come back to the conclusion I made right when I met Joyce. Fuck it, I want to love my stuff. If I meet someone who does or not. 

But the loneliness still may exist, even if I used to call my music "my companion/relationship/girlfriend" lol.

Therapy outside of home...

 Since losing Joyce, I've done a few things new/different.

Going to Synagogue once a week, mostly on Friday nights

Going to the Cemetery once a week

Trivia with Joyce's MNHS friends/colleagues. Kind of intermittently, but about once per month on Mondays or Wednesdays

Going to Barnes & Nobles, mostly 1 location. It could change. Reading, writing a little, people watching and at times, socializing mostly with the staff

Walking after work, mostly in my neighborhood. But with the intention of doing destination walks to Cemeteries, Parks and other spots. Here's a vague list

-Caponi Art Park (only through October)

-The Arboretum: went once, likely to go again, and it is open 12 months a year, but a bit of a commute down in Chaska, MN.

-Lakewood Cemetery

-Lebanon Hills Regional Park: went once, pretty enjoyable. No idea their hours/times of year open

-Dodge Nature Center in West St.Paul

-Lake Bde Maka Ska (previously Lake Calhoun)

-Summit Avenue

-Thompson Park in South St. Paul

-Malls: Mall of a America? Harmar? Maplewood Mall? Rosedale? Southdale? Burnsville Center?..maybe more likely in the Winter when the daylight is less and colder of course..maybe Galleria as well

-Along the Mississippi River in St.Paul

-7th Street and/or near Irvine Park

-Across the High Bridge..definitely not during the the Winter though

-Cavalry Cemetery: where Joyce is. Beyond going to talk to her, doing a walk. 

-many others I'm sure.

The point about the walks, and some may end up hopefully with others beyond The Arboretum.

But I also have both now gone to the Eagan Library and now as I write this, the St.Paul Jewish Community Center.

And I suspect the 4 or 5 go-to's could be

-Mt. Zion Synagogue

-Barnes & Noble

-Eagan Library

-JCC

I'm paying for the JCC for example. Barnes & Noble is the 1 I've probably enjoyed the most, or got the most out of thus far per I have engaged with the staff. Mt.Zion somewhat as well, and that has a weekly ritual and structure to it. But the people there have really been nice and approachable. They do have other events and activities beyond the Shabbat services that I may be involved with at some point. I need to do some research and see.

I also am going to try and look into Community Ed, specifically Cooking classes. The concern I have though for those are, that they seem to be about learning to cook 1 specific dish or style, which still may be worth doing, but not necessarily my ideal "cooking class" as opposed just a general class.

The social aspect to those and all this stuff seems to vary. Taking walks by myself may not result in a lot of social activity, but it potentially could I suppose.

As I am at the JCC right now, it does concern me a little bit from a social standpoint, most of the people here on a Thursday night are

a) Here to workout.

b) Here with their children, often to workout

Which kind of tells me, there's a chance getting something more out of coming here really will require me working out, as opposed to going to Barnes & Noble or the Library. And I do think swimming or walking, as long it doesn't require more $, I could be up for. I'm not sure though even doing those acitivities will lead to a lot of social activity. It might, but I swear I've had many experiences of that kind of thing where the people in public doing that stuff want very little to do with me and probably others socially.

But I won't know, if I don't try I guess. So, my next trip to the JCC sometime soon, I'm gonna have forgo blogging and maybe even reading, and plan to try and to do some walking.

I do know people here from my past, but who knows if/when I will run in to them. There is 1 woman who I used to go to school and Hebrew/Sunday school with I know does come here.

I guess if I do run into someone, her, or someone else potentially, it may make things easier.

But the primary reason for me coming to the JCC, joining, etc, was to get out of the house, and find an escape from the Misophonia-triggering neighbors/neighborhood I live in. And to maybe meet some (new) people, or spend time with people. Not necessarily doing physical activity though. More social. People watching, talking about things, common interests, etc. But, the jury very much is out on that.

I'll see. I may see how it goes, coming here over many trips, if I'm getting more out of it or not.

The other locations I am thinking of seeking out for an escape from my isolation at home, sometimes later in the evening perhaps

-Perkins
-Lunds, which is open until 10pm and has tables to sit and dine on

-Caribou..potentially several, but 1 of the locations in Eagan for sure

And along with B&N and maybe even another restaaurant or 2 potentially, they could serve the same purpose that I had in mind at the JCC, without having to pay for the membership. Per the JCC is still $83 a month? something like that, so it ends up being like $1000 per year. Not a fortune, but not nothing.

I guess it may depend my finances when the dust settles in the coming months. I am facing the reality that I am a 1-income household. But I also am shopping/paying for just 1 now. There also is the reality that I am currently now a 1-pet or cat household as well. So at least for now, I am saving $ in some of areas as well.

In other words, maybe $1000 a year isn't so dramatic, depending how much I can save. But there's a lot of other factors, especially just considering I may need to try saving $ anyway. Even or especially the $ that will come out of Joyce's affairs.

But for now, I'm going to try the JCC. But coming to the JCC to read and blog may not be what I do every time or even at all eventually. I don't know.

1. Synagogue

2. Barnes & Noble

3. Library

4. JCC

In terms of Social activity. But the library and JCC, I'm just starting to use so the jury is very much out. I do still worry though, I'm going to experience what I used to experience before I met Joyce in that I am people watching, and I'm noticing them, but they are not showing me they are noticing me if they are at all.

People go to these places to do their thing and go home. They're not bars, or even social clubs. Although I would think they would have them. The library also clearly is a spot at times for MUCH YOUNGER people. High School, Grade School and maybe some College Students who may not want anything to do with me.

I'll admit, if I could meet people into music or scifi stuff, even that young, it would hold some possible social connections. But I feel creepy talking to kids that young. Although I don't come across or look as old as I am. But still, the socializing with kids more than half my age?..yeah, I just feel like it's not a great idea.

I guess with the JCC, like all of these experiences, some of it is random chance, but maybe if I did the exact same thing on another night or a few times, I may end up with a different result.

Although I am reminded, like at the library the other night, it could backfire, and hearing loud groups of younger people or children could be worse than not talking to anyone. Unsure.

But for tonight, I'd say 

Finding a quiet place to read and escaping the kids and noise near my home that I can hear? yes
Seeing or connecting with someone here at the JCC while reading or blogging? not really

I guess I will do some research and intend to go walking in my next trip. The destination indoor walks here though, might be enough to keep my membership during the winter at least. But like I said, I have some skepticism it will result in the "meeting new people" thing.

But researching if there are groups/clubs of people with similar interests here? Music/Vinyl/Concerts? Scifi? Film? Sports even?..maybe even a Widow/Widowers group?..kind of like the grief group I do Zoom calls with every few weeks, might exist.

I will admit, seeing kids here..8-15 or 16 y/o ish..I mean that was me back in my youth anyway here, so I shouldn't be super surprised to see much of that still here.

I guess I may report back on this at some point soon. Call it an experiment that I need give some time with. Barnsie and Mt. Zion..seem to be ok. The Library(s) and JCC?..gonna have to see over some more time.

There is also the Geek Hangout..which the jury is still out on too. I'd love to meet some fellow DS9 or Psych fans even, which they may exist, but finding them and connecting where people get together? could be a big hurdle. But maybe it's just a matter of digging...

An extraverted Social person who often feels invisible to others with the intention of not bothering them. Is it due to everyone else being introverted? or is it just me? Social Anxiety (Disorder)? I swear I have it, or have had it, despite my chatty nature. I feel like I bother people by talking too much. But I likely am on the spectrum anyway. But maybe I just need to learn to ask others about themselves more, and they will engage more?