Kevin Gilbert (+Sheryl Crow) with Joyce

I just put this on Joyce's memoirs Substack here

 This is a follow up to this little (fictional) thing I wrote a few months ago and passed along last Thursday

Sometime in the late Summer/Early Fall of 2004, I bought and heard the Toy Matinee CD, which was one of the late Kevin Gilbert’s bands. It kind of changed my life or at least introduced me to who would become my favorite musician ever.

So, when I met Joyce in 2011, at KFAI radio, we talked about our taste in music and our favorite bands and musicians. Joyce loved The Monkees and maybe even more, Michael Nesmith. So, in talking about music and getting to know each other, we made mix tapes which I believe I went over in this video on YouTube soon after she passed.

And I included “Last Plane Out” I believe on 1 of those mixes. And I later burned or maybe even lent her a copy of the Toy Matinee cd. I myself ended up listening to some Monkees and Michael Nesmith not long after that as well. Especially before we saw The Monkees in July 2011.

Well Joyce wasn’t all that grabbed by Toy Matinee. She didn’t hate it, but she wasn’t loving it enough to go back to it. So, I kind of put on hold trying to get her into Kevin Gilbert’s music for a while. Eventually I ended playing her a song titled “Finally Over You” which was only recently released on Kevin Gilbert’s estate compilation “Nuts” in 2009.

She did really dig “Finally Over You,” and came to play it occasionally on YouTube (it-was, but sadly, now is not available to stream on there or anywhere online I don’t believe).

Kevin Gilbert’s estate started releasing a lot of limited printed items more or less in 2009 and have continued through just this past Friday. A lot of unreleased recordings from his bands and solo work. In the time I was with Joyce, they came out periodically. I would estimate maybe around 20 releases, some re-released from out-of-print titles, to covers, to live recordings, to demos, etc.

I was buying them all of course, and I would almost always put them on, often in the car, so Joyce would hear them. She got to know Kevin’s voice among other things. But other than the 1 tune “Finally Over You” she never gravitated to any other tracks really.

Even when Kevin and his live Toy Matinee bandmate Marc Bonilla covered The Monkees “Pleasant Valley Sunday” on the radio once (KLOS). Kevin said though “no ba ba ba’s” lol.

Also many things would come up that I got to point out to her, with the connections Kevin Gilbert had to many musicians she enjoyed. And she rolled her eyes at me, and I couldn’t help but grin and laugh at her.

-Sheryl Crow was Kevin Gilbert’s girlfriend. Sheryl played on the live touring version of Toy Matinee in and is on “Live at the Roxy” on keys and background vocals in fact. Joyce was a pretty big Sheryl Crow fan. She enjoyed her 90’s music especially including the “Tuesday Night Music Club” album, which was in effect her debut album (she had a previous album that was and may still be unreleased though).

Much of the music on Tuesday Night Music Club album was actually written by Kevin Gilbert and his co-musicians who would jam on Tuesday nights, hence the name. Kevin was still dating Sheryl at the time. Joyce however, was not aware of who Kevin Gilbert was until meeting me, including him and the others on that album really.

-Joyce enjoyed Moulin Rouge! likely driven by one of her Hollywood guys Ewan McGregor’s role. On the soundtrack, the tune “Come What May” is included, which was composed by Tuesday Night Music Club members David Baerwald (of David + David fame also), and Kevin Gilbert.

-Christian Nesmith whose one of Michael Nesmith’s sons, is a musician himself and a progressive rock fan. Citing bands like Yes and Rush among others. He even has a close relationship with a band I love, Joyce only heard about through me, in King’s X. Christian Nesmith along with his wife Circe Link, have done many covers on YouTube (and TikTok more recently), which include two Kevin Gilbert tunes. “Parade” and “Suite Fugue” which are both from Kevin Gilbert’s posthumously released rock opera “The Shaming of the True.”

That is all from the son of Michael Nesmith, her favorite musician ever, and at 1-time, live member of The Monkees and Michael Nesmith reunited “First National Band.” And who played-on and produced Monkees work in the last decade (2016’s “Good Times” and 2018’s “Christmas Party” along with Micky Dolenz releases “Dolenz Sings Nesmith” and “Dolenz Sings R.E.M.”).

-Neil Peart, the late drummer from Rush, cited a few times loving The Monkees. I am a huge Rush fan, but Joyce never got into them. But she found it odd and ironic how the drummer for one of my favorite bands loved her favorite band.

-Kevin Gilbert engineered “Black or White” from Michael Jackson and worked with Patrick Leonard of course as part of Toy Matinee. Patrick Leonard being the producer of several of Madonna’s biggest albums in the 80’s. Joyce was a rather big fan of both MJ and Madonna

To quote my friend John “Sometimes my people are your people.” But Joyce dismissed that idea, kind of not wanting to accept it if not in disbelief. Joyce did not like progressive rock. “It hurts my brain!” "You can't dance to it" and “It has no soul,” but as it turns out, some of her taste aligned with some of it oddly. Daryl Hall (of Hall & Oates who Joyce loved) worked with Robert Fripp of King Crimson on one of his solo albums, etc.

Even Michael Nesmith himself made the concept album The Prison, and The Monkees did the experimental film Head, which includes a cameo from progressive musician and friend of Michael Nesmith’s, Frank Zappa (who also appeared on a Monkees episode with Nez)

Even the 2nd time we saw one of the modern bands she enjoyed, The Bird & the Bee (which was just half the band, Inara George per the other half, Greg Kurstin didn’t and may still not actually tour live), there was a group of my fellow progressive rock fans at the show. Joyce came to roll her eyes thinking the “Prog fans” enjoyed her band and music, lol. But it happened, or happens, much to her dismay and lack of ability to understand why.

As the years went by, Joyce would make comments about Kevin Gilbert to me. “Thanks Kevin, I didn’t need to know that” or “Sorry Kevin” or “Oh, it’s Kevin.”

One was “he’s not hot.” She said something to the effect just like a year ago. “He’s not bad looking, but he’s like Where’s Waldo.” “He looks clean and nice, and is a talented musician and singer, but he doesn’t have that striking, hot sexy look that many women can be drawn to” “He didn’t make it big, and it seems part of it was because his looks.” “Like, he’s not bad looking, but he’s doesn’t really have it like George Michael.”

Which oddly enough about George Michael, Kevin Gilbert once said about his tune “Careless Whisper” and the lyric “guilty feet have got no rhythm” was genius. I don’t recall if/when I mentioned that to Joyce, what her reaction was. It likely was just “yeah, thanks Kevin.”

The commentary that I passed along to her at times with Sheryl Crow and Kevin Gilbert fans struck a bit of a nerve with her. She came to look down on some of them; although not me, mind you. I never was into Sheryl Crow’s music really but did not beat a dead horse bringing up the fact he died after they broke up. How he took his own life, and fans blamed Sheryl Crow for it. The sort of rivalry they had a bit after that and her album won Grammys, and it took some work to have all the credits being given to Kevin and the members of the Tuesday Night Music Club.

The Kevin Gilbert fans have historically made comments for years online, and even some articles written. Joyce would give me comebacks to them, talking about how many of the Kevin Gilbert fans were super bitter and misguided in their blaming her, etc. Which I didn’t and can’t disagree with her about. What happened to Kevin Gilbert and his reaching and failing to fully “make it big” in the music industry and even Hollywood to a degree, had much to do with his own personality sadly.

Sheryl had the quote in 1 of the stories I’ll never forget “Kevin was one of the most self-destructive people I’ve ever met” which came out in an article written not long after he died, and Sheryl may have been bitter about things. How some people within his circles viewed her. I guess at his funeral perhaps. I’m not sure. I do suspect now so many decades later even, Sheryl wouldn’t necessarily use those words or may not quite feel that way about him still.

She did mention and include a little about Kevin in the documentary, Sheryl, about her a couple of years ago. Although Sheryl Crow I think had creative control of it, so the amount of content about Kevin Gilbert in it was maybe limited, if for no other reason, but to not create any tension among his fans (time of course as well). I see that, per it’s sort of damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If she had talked in-depth about Kevin, it would raise potential controversy. But when she did not talk much about him, of course many Kevin Gilbert fans wonder why, and think she could still be bitter, etc. It was probably best to limit it, and avoid as much content about a potentially sensitive topic still.

Kevin Gilbert would have turned 59 this past week on November 20th. He will always be a favorite of mine, but also a musician who Joyce had mixed feelings about, despite my longtime obsession with his music. My interest to want more people to hear and hopefully discover his music.

There is this appearance on Used Bin Radio in 2011 with Joyce and I where the hosts Brad and Joe bring up Sheryl Crow and Joyce’s take on her music and Kevin Gilbert’s among others. I introduce her at the 12:45 mark, and she is on from the 13:19-24:48 mark.

There’s also this recent opinionated video that sums up a lot of it, although the creator doesn’t consider anything over the last 29 years with Sheryl, although some of the comments do.

In The Shaming of the True and on a live record “Live at the Troubadour,” Kevin Gilbert references and alludes to Sheryl on songs like “Fun” (“Sheryl’s in the kitchen with the LA Lakers”) and “Miss Broadway.” It didn’t occur to me until a few years ago, “Fun” is blatantly a reference to the lyric on “All I Wanna Do” “All I Want to do is have some fun.” Joyce though, never heard either, which probably was for the best. I generally made and kept the peace with this whole situation. Much like avoiding questioning her lack of appreciation or even respect in some ways for The Beatles, bringing up conflict with Sheryl and Kevin was not somewhere I went with Joyce per I knew she would give me an earful, and the end result wouldn’t be beneficial.

Joyce was always like that with me. She didn’t pull many if any punches, regardless that it was about someone or something I love (Beavis and Butthead in recent years as well). Despite my hoping to connect with her with things I love, it often didn’t work. I was not happy for that, but I still respected that about her.

Everything happens for a reason

Before I met Joyce, I think I was just super unlucky with women. The kind of women I tried to meet, I never did. The ones I did, didn't really connect with me for a few reasons. Their lifestyle and priorities. And when I met Joyce, it was like some huge exception. And when it happened I sort of rode the wave, but didn't really believe it was fully happening to me at 1st.

She loved music like me. Maybe in some ways more than me. That is so rare to find in a woman, a woman who was single especially.

But maybe it was meant to be? Or maybe it was just luck. Why did I go back to KFAI when I did? I could have easily blown it off, even after meeting her a couple of times. Maybe she would have wanted to stay in touch later and then we could have still ended up together? Maybe. But more likely not.

She probably figured I was looking for a woman into Prog or into Sports or Star Trek; none of which she cared for in the least. Also, my guess is she would have dated someone else had she not met me, or even had I left KFAI. I mean maybe not, given some of her friends were single and still are. Joyce was sort of part of the singles club within her friends.

I just think some other guy would have won her over eventually, had it not been me.

So, it leads me to a thought though about my current and future approach. Some discussion about cafes to do wrirting work in, in the Twin Cities. I went to a place called "The Lost Fox" the other night in the lowertown area of downtown St.Paul. It is literally like 2 businessess down from the old Station 4 club that I saw at least 2 or 3 dozen concerts at from 1999-2012-ish.

The Lost Fox is kind of a hybrid of a Cafe and a Restaurant. A lot of tables, games to play, and it serves coffee and baked goods along with it having a kitchen. I talked to this nice young woman named Malla whose parents I guess own it.  I needed a quick bite to eat, and she suggested the burger, which was a very strong recommendation. So much so, I would definitely go back for the food alone.

They did have a decent crowd in there though, and pretty urban. Although given it was in the evening (7:30pm), I wasn't too surprised. So, I probably would lean towards my next visit at an earlier hour. Maybe even like a late morning/early afternoon on a Weekend.

But amongst my exploring places to blog, read, and people watch, the cafes and maybe even restaurants, I have not-but intend to check out more cafes. I guess my previous thoughts were like Caribous and maybe Starbucks. But some of the more independent, mom-and-pops might be other good places to keep in mind. 

I heard about the Lost Fox via a local Facebook Group "Twin Cities Geek Community" I think it's called. But among the comments, there were many other venues suggested about someone looking for a quiet Cafe. Although a lot of them were in Minneapolis, which may be less easy for me to commute to, at least regularly. But I should keep a list or 2.

Part of the issue though with The Lost Fox is being downtown, you have to pay to park, save for on Sundays I guess. But from my memory, some of these others, I wouldn't need to.

-J.S. Bean Factory - Randolph
-Wildflyer Coffee - West 7th Street

-Claddagh Coffee - Selby Ave

-Cafe Astoria - Grand Ave

-Black Sheep Coffee - South St.Paul

-Dunn Brothers - Grand Ave
-Amore Cafe - Smith Ave

These are just a few per I'm sure there are others. And I'm not ruling out going to several different Caribous as well. Eagan, West St. Paul maybe and Inver Grove Heights.

Perhaps even some other cities that aren't vastly further like Woodbury, Burnsville, Richfield, or Apple Valley even. I'm not sure. Part of it is repeated visits, etc, to get a good sense about the people who go to these places.

My thought process is, some of where and why I go to these places are just random timing, sort of like how I met Joyce. It's like things happen to us in 1 way, but had we done 1 thing, or in this case been in 1 place at 1 time, and it can dramatically impact our fate and future. And in the case of finding someone we meet and even care about and love, it literally can come down to something that specific and finite.

Which in a way really is sad and almost depressing in a lot of ways. Unless you believe in fate and you are where and when you are because it was your destiny. I mean there are almost an unlimited amount of scenarios of things that can happen in your life depending on these little things and timings. I suppose if I worry about it too much, I'll be driven crazy with anxiety. "Well, I need to go to this cafe at sometime in the next 3 weeks, or I'll never meet the woman I'm supposed to marry" or whatever. 

I almost think my life, people's lives are being manipulated, like pawns in some bigger simulation we don't know about. Almost like how scientists set up experiments with mice with different drugs to test.

Why are we here? Because we're here, roll the bones.

So, my meeting Joyce on a chance back in 2011 was something that happened by some much larger than we understand experiment. And what my *fate* brings now is also that.

It makes you question why you question anything in some ways. It's definitely a feeling of powerless-ness. Like you see yourself as sort of a pawn in the human experience.

I mean why did I meet Joyce then? I had suffered miserably with (lack-of) romantic relationships for years, not unlike many, including many other guys I knew. And then 1 day, boom, some woman actually likes me and I like her. Like it was just luck or fate or odds or something. Or maybe both her and I had been sick and tired of being alone. I may never know unfortunately.

But I will definitely think, if I end up meeting some other woman in a scenario where I easily could not have, then I'm going to start believing I am a fucking pawn.

I fucking give up.

Or, maybe some people are just appealing enough to love many people in a situation they are available. Maybe that could be it. But the whole mono-soulmate idea is not universal, even for more or less all people who believe in monogamy.

I.e. a large percentage of the human race could love and be in-love with a lot of different people, if their heart is not taken at the time.

Fuck. I still don't get it, other than in some ways I wish I could stop thinking about this shit. But when you have your heart broken and then suffer loneliness, you just want something, almost anything to help it feel better. And meeting someone else is always what it comes back to, for now.

or just give me a fucking lobotomy and I won't have to think about this shit anymore.

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Hello Kitty...Companionship vs Loneliness

 So 

So these were announced about a month ago to be special Hello Kitty Starbucks items for sale November 6th at Starbucks locations.

Joyce loved Hello Kitty. She got sucked-in, or was way in before the masses got totally sucked-in to Hello-Kitty per her endless collection of items. And I'm 99.99% certain she would have wanted the Plushie and maybe the Mug. Probably the mug.

Joyce's cousin notified me about this about a month ago, and she is into Hello Kitty very much like Joyce. Although Joyce being the competitive collector she was, would always claim to be more into HK than her cousin. But her cousin probably got into it largely per Joyce anyway.

Well Victoria got up this morning and after over an hour of waiting, managed to get a Plushie at a Starbucks, at like 6:30AM. The only 1 the Starbucks got, lol. After waiting an hour.

I did not get up in time. Didn't fully realize how mobbed they would be I guess. And a lot of it was likely people buying them and then flipping them on ebay pathetically, and yet quite predictable.

Joyce would get sucked into the hype, and I suppose in a way, I have been too.

I wanted to get 1 of those plushies for her. Even though she's gone. For her memory. But I didn't. I did go to my local Target and found 1 of the plastic glasses at least this evening. But I guess people lined up at 5AM.

I guess I don't feel so bad as getting up so early, going out in the dark, and no guarantee I even get 1, and for her, not myself, I guess it's not going to traumatize me so much. But I can't deny, I am apologizing and feeling guilty.

It goes back in some ways in her missing out on k.d. lang's complete Ingenue concert she missed, or a few years back these Plushies they had at the Cat Cafe Cafe Meow I recall in Minneapolis and New Hope having special movie Plushies for the new Puss N Boots movie. Joyce found out about them the day after the premiere, but I called the Cafe asking if they still had them on Saturday and they were all gone.

She dwelled on that for a few days, and later would bring it up. 

All Papa's fault. I apologized to her even though I didn't know about them. Although I kind of remember telling her we or I could try going over the weekend instead of on the Friday. 

--------------------------------

So transitioning to the topic I have been seeing in many of the Widow/Widower communities (Facebook and Reddit mostly at this point). Being in widowhood, you go from having a companion for so long. In my case, the better part of over 14 years. To back to nobody. Loneliness.

I didn't love being alone before I met Joyce, but I guess I dealt with it, even though I do believe I experienced levels of depression. And I'll admit, even when I was with Joyce, I experienced being lonely in public at times. I think it is my perception of feeling invisible to women. Or to a lot of women.

I guess it could be just random chance on the women I would encounter, and why I never noticed them noticing me. It's like their approach and being conditioned to do their thing in public places, and they are not looking to be approached by men in many environments. The creepy factor. And I don't blame them for that, but it kind of can drive men like myself too far the other way.

It may come down to the place and situation. For example, I was at a movie last night Bugonia (which I filmed a video review for YouTube actually, which I will hopefully put up on my channel soon), and there were maybe 10 people in the theater. One of them, was a woman sitting alone, eating her popcorn. 

After the movie was over, I ended up leaving right in front of her. I could have, but didn't say anything to her. I didn't even look at her after leaving the theater. I do think she went to use the restroom right afterwards. But the point I am making, that's not a situation to approach a woman really. I mean I guess I could have said something to her, or any of the other people leaving the theater. But I was just minding my own business.

And maybe had I, she might have engaged in a short chat with me. But even if that had happened, chances are, I never would see her again. I guess it may depend. The movie was kind of niche. A darker, Scifi Black Comedy of sorts. And it has provoked a lot of chatter I guess afterwards from accounts I've read online.

But the point being, it's so many of these situations that make meeting women at times so challenging. I mean places like book stores, coffee shops, libraries, grocery stores, gyms, walks,, etc are not places most women go to meet men. They go there to do what they want, and then go home. Even record stores or record shows, while obviously they are there per they have an interest in music, like myself. They are not really there to get hit on by men. I mean I suppose it might be a little more likely, but then again, most of the women I ever see at Record Stores and concerts, are not single anyway. I'd estimate 90% or more. And more often than not, they are there with their boyfriend/husband anyway.

Which kind of goes back to my decades old dilemma in that Women into music, collecting music, being super passionate about music, especially the kinds of music I love, are super rare. I'm not saying they don't exist, nor are there none who are single (or even Single maybe looking, per there are many women who are single, and not interested in looking).

But part of the issue comes down to love of music, and not just someone who listens to whatever their friends like or the radio/tiktok trends. Or Country or even say Rap or something. Or "soundtracks."

Because there are plenty of women who enjoy "music" but not really are "musos" or whatever. And I know, Joyce being one, although still a bit of an exception in that her taste in music was not really a "muso" but she was very consumed by the music she loved. It just wasn't about *listening to music*, so much as being able to dance to it or it having a hook. "Pop Music" per say. 

But Prog and Metal? she loathed. But her passion for her music, and it being at least somewhat still within my tastes (80's and 90's Pop among some others), I could connect with her.

But women who even have a Spotify account that show listening to a lot of Sabrina Carpenter, Taylor Swift, Harry Styles, Olivia Rodrigo, Bad Bunny, and the like. Yeah, I would struggle to connect with their music listening tastes.

And even say if they were record collectors. They participate on Record Store Day, or even do YouTube or possibly podcasting about music, at least I might be able to connect to, regardless to much of their taste. But the amount of women I see doing that stuff is sadly still limited. There are some. More than probably their used to be. But it's still largely sausage fests, or even the women that do? yeah they are somewhere else on the planet and likely not single anyway.

I mean I concluded years back, the idea of meeting a woman who I would share the same music taste is not too likely, and even if so, that can't be the basis of a relationship. I suppose there are some couples that do, and it can be a big thing. But things like values, family, and other life interests and priorities can be more important. 

They were with Joyce. And I imagine they could be with someone else. I just find some of it is a culture thing. Joyce connected with me in being so passionate about music. She "got me" in that sense, and I "got her."

I would love to find a companion who "gets me" even if they don't share the same taste or limited taste in music. Or the old adage, maybe she may acquire a taste for some of my taste in music. Although that's often got to be a give-and-take thing. And I did that with Joyce. I got into some of her music, The Monkees, Michael Nesmith, Josh Rouse, Mayer Hawthorne, George Michael even. And she did a bit witht mine like Bend Sinister, sElf and a few other examples.

I dunno, the more I continue to think about this, the more frustrating it gets. And it does come back to the conclusion I made right when I met Joyce. Fuck it, I want to love my stuff. If I meet someone who does or not. 

But the loneliness still may exist, even if I used to call my music "my companion/relationship/girlfriend" lol.

George Michael aka Jorge Miguel (and Joyce)

 

As much as Joyce was loyal and a massive (competitively #1 in her mind) fan of The Monkees and maybe equally Michael Nesmith (Michael Nemith), as I came to learn not too long after being around her, she was super obsessed with George Michael aka “Jorge Miguel.”

His work with Wham! of course, and then his solo career. As she told me when she was a kid in the 80’s (pre-High School based on the years), “You were either a Tears for Fears fan or a Wham! fan. I was Team Wham!”

When Joyce and I met in 2011 though, George Michael’s career had been somewhat quiet for several years. He did perform at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London though (and didn’t sing with Queen, but instead Jessie J did). And he released a new track titled “White Light.”

But he had had some health issues I guess including a stay in a Rehab center I recall not too long before that. However, he was looking to eventually make a new album as his previous record “Patience” was released in 2004.

And eventually he made what became a famed appearance on James Cordon’s The Late Late Show doing the 1st “Carpool Karaoke” with Cordon. Which went on to become a big segment on that show.

So, early 2016, the music world was shocked to lose David Bowie in January. And then fast forward a few months in April, Minnesota’s own Prince also was tragically lost as well. 2 of the biggest music icons lost in such a short window of time.

And while Joyce was a pretty big Prince fan (but not much of a Bowie fan though), what came towards the end of the calendar at X-Mas, really broke her heart.

George Michael was found dead in his residence on Christmas Day in 2016. I remember a couple of things about it. For 1, the news came while or maybe just before Joyce started making her Macaroni and Cheese. Something she would make periodically, and with a protein like chicken, or more likely around X-Mas, Ham.

I remember her crying that night saying she was going to always make Mac’n’cheese for Jorge Miguel on Christmas.

And of course, Wham! had the famous hit “Last Christmas” which has since become a staple to be played around Christmas and the Holidays now. Many inferior covers of course included. I’ll confess, I don’t think I’d ever heard it before meeting Joyce. But heard it (when she would play it) a ton before he died around X-Mas time every year, and then since even more.

There had been reports the day or 2 before about Carrie Fisher being hospitalized after flying home from Europe. And Joyce even said “I wish it had been Carrie Fisher instead” or something to that effect (“I wish the lord had taken Carrie Fisher instead”). Which Carrie Fisher did die herself on the 27th of December, just 2 days later from having blood clots.

George Michael had been looking to make a new album with Nile Rodgers right around the time he passed away. It was going to be a dance album. But it didn’t happen. I guess he had gained a lot of weight, but was trying to lose much of it, and his heart wasn’t able to handle it.

Joyce after that was talking about all the 80’s icons from her childhood were gone. Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Prince earlier in 2016, and now her beloved Jorge Miguel.

Joyce and her friends did get to see George Michael live once at least. Much of it is actually on YouTube. Here’s 1 clip, of her favorite song of all-time “Everything She Wants.”
Everything She Wants 7/7/2008

She had her friends all go to different Ticketmaster locations to make sure they got the best seats. And this was in 2008, when Ticketmaster sold tickets at stores like Mervyns California and other “Ticketmaster Outlets.”

So, at least she did get to see him. George Michael did come to St.Paul at least 1 other time, on September 13, 1988 which was on a Tuesday Night when she was 13 and in 8th grade. Just 11 days before my brother and I’s bnai-mitzvah in fact, lol. But I don’t believe she was able to go to that show. I cannot imagine Joyce’s mom allowing it.

On Sunday night, I attended with Joyce’s friend Rhonda, “The Life and Music of George Michael” tribute performance at the Pantages Theatre in Minneapolis. Joyce had reservations about tribute performances/bands, and this group had come to Minneapolis I believe in 2024, and she wasn’t interested. But when I saw they were coming back again in May, I asked her if she wanted to go and she reluctantly in some ways said sure.

The show was pretty good. They had 2 different guys singing and telling George Michael’s story and dressing the part. And they played most of the “hits” per say. Songs people knew from Wham! his solo career, duets and even a couple of his famed covers (Queen’s “Somebody to Love,” Stevie Wonder’s “As” and Elton John’s “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”)

But I will admit, music has been very hard for me to listen to without getting grief triggers, and this show on Sunday Night was very much a struggle for me. There were at least 7 or 8 songs they played, that just got me thinking of her throughout them being played. “Everything She Wants” and “Carless Whisper” especially. And actually they give me earworms for hours or even days after. Most memorable songs do. And this being just a couple of days after, I’ve heard George Michael and Wham! songs in my head constantly the last couple of days.

And thinking of Joyce of course.

I do think while she may have appreciated seeing and hearing his music played live again after 17 years. She would still have had reservations about this show. “Father Figure” of course she never liked, and even “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” I think she got sick of like “I’m a Believer” and “Daydream Believer” (and even say “Pleasant Valley Sunday” to an extent).

But, thinking about George Michael, and its been almost 9 years since he passed away. And it was not long after we got married in 2016, I suppose seeing this show still would have meant something to her. Although to see like Mariah Carey or someone she liked and respected as a singer do it would maybe have meant more (even say Ricky Martin perhaps. Or Elton John? who was just in town last night for a Starkey benefit in fact).

But, it was still fun and good to see. Maybe a little cathartic even. Would I go again? I’m skeptical, especially for the price of even a tribute show. But I guess I wouldn’t rule it out. I do hope and feel Joyce was with me there.

3 months..

 7/22/25-10/22/25

It seems like the longest 3 months, or even 3 years of my life.

I truly hope and pray it will get easier eventually.

Grief triggers nearly every day, and wondering how I will be able to live like I have since she passed away for a sustainable amount of time.

I do hold some hope in doing new things, meeting new people, or will do both in the coming times.

But, it's still a struggle, thinking she should still be here with me. That it wasnt very long ago things were normal per say for Joyce and I.

And it all changed in what seemed like the blink of an eye.

I'm doing my best, but to say this has changed me pretty dramatically would be accurate. Changed what I think or how I see reality and life.

I guess in some fashion it happens to most people with the loss of a loved one. A spouse/partner you love especially.

Lady Gaga + Bruno Mars - Die With a Smile (Joyce)

This song, Joyce played constantly the Summer and Fall of 2024. It really was the last song she ever loved. And while I still have reservations about Bruno Mars, Joyce did too when he showed up around the same time Mayer Hawthorne and Janelle Monae (and even Kimbra) did in 2011/2012/2013. Joyce came around with him a little bit on "Uptown Funk" (her friend Bernetta may have helped that), and then especially with his collaboration with Anderson Paak. and SILK SONIC. The 70's r&b funk vibes totally spoke to her.

But then this tune, she became obsessed with, as she occassionally did with 1 song. She'd play it over and over and over.

And I'll admit, the song is pretty good. The instrumental guitar bridge/solo is great.

But I can't deny, it has and maybe will almost always come back to me with the lyrics and how she died a year after it came out. August 16th, 2024 is specifically when it was released.

In the middle of the hell of Dumpy's campaign. Kamala was confirmed literally 3 days after it was released on August 19th, 2024.

But the other biggie is the title and lyric "Die With a Smile"..when Joyce died, she was smiling. I have pics to prove it actually (I'm not going to show them though).

So, WTF..prophetic?..was listening to this song a premonition to her fate? and why didn't I die with her holding her in my arms?

I dunno, I don't want to believe in this stuff, but so much strange stuff has happened since she passed away, I can't help but wonder. Maybe somewhere in this song it suggests we will be together again, so holding on to that thought and belief, it gives me a bit of solace and peace.

But, I can't deny, for some reason this song almost predicted her near future. And reading much of Brian K Vaughan's recently released Graphic Novel, Spectators which is about what seems like it could be the end of the human race..or heading toward that, this almost adds more to that thought. 

But Spectators is set a long ways into the future..or in the future, several decades at least.

But maybe there is some hope and belief when I go, I will be with her and the lyrics and message behind this tune will not be so profoundly sad, even as romantic as they come across.

But make no mistake, Joyce and in her body, did Die With a Smile on her face, at least physically. She knew she was going to die, although she also said to me "People keep saying I'm going to kick the bucket. I'd like them to know, it ain't over til it's over." (Lenny..oddly who I still wish should have done the Prince tribute instead of Bruno Mars, but that's separate).

Ooh

I, I just woke up from a dream

Where you and I had to say goodbye

And I don't know what it all means

But since I survived, I realized

Wherever you go, that's where I'll follow

Nobody's promised tomorrow

So I'ma love you every night like it's the last night

Like it's the last night

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

If the party was over and our time on Earth was through

I'd wanna hold you just for a while and die with a smile

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

Ooh

Ooh, lost, lost in the words that we scream

I don't even wanna do this anymore

'Cause you already know what you mean to me

And our love's the only war worth fighting for

Wherever you go, that's where I'll follow

Nobody's promised tomorrow

So I'ma love you every night like it's the last night

Like it's the last night

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

If the party was over and our time on Earth was through

I'd wanna hold you just for a while and die with a smile

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

Right next to you

Next to you

Right next to you

Oh-oh, oh

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

If the party was over and our time on Earth was through

I'd wanna hold you just for a while and die with a smile

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

Ooh

I'd wanna be next to you

Therapy outside of home...

 Since losing Joyce, I've done a few things new/different.

Going to Synagogue once a week, mostly on Friday nights

Going to the Cemetery once a week

Trivia with Joyce's MNHS friends/colleagues. Kind of intermittently, but about once per month on Mondays or Wednesdays

Going to Barnes & Nobles, mostly 1 location. It could change. Reading, writing a little, people watching and at times, socializing mostly with the staff

Walking after work, mostly in my neighborhood. But with the intention of doing destination walks to Cemeteries, Parks and other spots. Here's a vague list

-Caponi Art Park (only through October)

-The Arboretum: went once, likely to go again, and it is open 12 months a year, but a bit of a commute down in Chaska, MN.

-Lakewood Cemetery

-Lebanon Hills Regional Park: went once, pretty enjoyable. No idea their hours/times of year open

-Dodge Nature Center in West St.Paul

-Lake Bde Maka Ska (previously Lake Calhoun)

-Summit Avenue

-Thompson Park in South St. Paul

-Malls: Mall of a America? Harmar? Maplewood Mall? Rosedale? Southdale? Burnsville Center?..maybe more likely in the Winter when the daylight is less and colder of course..maybe Galleria as well

-Along the Mississippi River in St.Paul

-7th Street and/or near Irvine Park

-Across the High Bridge..definitely not during the the Winter though

-Cavalry Cemetery: where Joyce is. Beyond going to talk to her, doing a walk. 

-many others I'm sure.

The point about the walks, and some may end up hopefully with others beyond The Arboretum.

But I also have both now gone to the Eagan Library and now as I write this, the St.Paul Jewish Community Center.

And I suspect the 4 or 5 go-to's could be

-Mt. Zion Synagogue

-Barnes & Noble

-Eagan Library

-JCC

I'm paying for the JCC for example. Barnes & Noble is the 1 I've probably enjoyed the most, or got the most out of thus far per I have engaged with the staff. Mt.Zion somewhat as well, and that has a weekly ritual and structure to it. But the people there have really been nice and approachable. They do have other events and activities beyond the Shabbat services that I may be involved with at some point. I need to do some research and see.

I also am going to try and look into Community Ed, specifically Cooking classes. The concern I have though for those are, that they seem to be about learning to cook 1 specific dish or style, which still may be worth doing, but not necessarily my ideal "cooking class" as opposed just a general class.

The social aspect to those and all this stuff seems to vary. Taking walks by myself may not result in a lot of social activity, but it potentially could I suppose.

As I am at the JCC right now, it does concern me a little bit from a social standpoint, most of the people here on a Thursday night are

a) Here to workout.

b) Here with their children, often to workout

Which kind of tells me, there's a chance getting something more out of coming here really will require me working out, as opposed to going to Barnes & Noble or the Library. And I do think swimming or walking, as long it doesn't require more $, I could be up for. I'm not sure though even doing those acitivities will lead to a lot of social activity. It might, but I swear I've had many experiences of that kind of thing where the people in public doing that stuff want very little to do with me and probably others socially.

But I won't know, if I don't try I guess. So, my next trip to the JCC sometime soon, I'm gonna have forgo blogging and maybe even reading, and plan to try and to do some walking.

I do know people here from my past, but who knows if/when I will run in to them. There is 1 woman who I used to go to school and Hebrew/Sunday school with I know does come here.

I guess if I do run into someone, her, or someone else potentially, it may make things easier.

But the primary reason for me coming to the JCC, joining, etc, was to get out of the house, and find an escape from the Misophonia-triggering neighbors/neighborhood I live in. And to maybe meet some (new) people, or spend time with people. Not necessarily doing physical activity though. More social. People watching, talking about things, common interests, etc. But, the jury very much is out on that.

I'll see. I may see how it goes, coming here over many trips, if I'm getting more out of it or not.

The other locations I am thinking of seeking out for an escape from my isolation at home, sometimes later in the evening perhaps

-Perkins
-Lunds, which is open until 10pm and has tables to sit and dine on

-Caribou..potentially several, but 1 of the locations in Eagan for sure

And along with B&N and maybe even another restaaurant or 2 potentially, they could serve the same purpose that I had in mind at the JCC, without having to pay for the membership. Per the JCC is still $83 a month? something like that, so it ends up being like $1000 per year. Not a fortune, but not nothing.

I guess it may depend my finances when the dust settles in the coming months. I am facing the reality that I am a 1-income household. But I also am shopping/paying for just 1 now. There also is the reality that I am currently now a 1-pet or cat household as well. So at least for now, I am saving $ in some of areas as well.

In other words, maybe $1000 a year isn't so dramatic, depending how much I can save. But there's a lot of other factors, especially just considering I may need to try saving $ anyway. Even or especially the $ that will come out of Joyce's affairs.

But for now, I'm going to try the JCC. But coming to the JCC to read and blog may not be what I do every time or even at all eventually. I don't know.

1. Synagogue

2. Barnes & Noble

3. Library

4. JCC

In terms of Social activity. But the library and JCC, I'm just starting to use so the jury is very much out. I do still worry though, I'm going to experience what I used to experience before I met Joyce in that I am people watching, and I'm noticing them, but they are not showing me they are noticing me if they are at all.

People go to these places to do their thing and go home. They're not bars, or even social clubs. Although I would think they would have them. The library also clearly is a spot at times for MUCH YOUNGER people. High School, Grade School and maybe some College Students who may not want anything to do with me.

I'll admit, if I could meet people into music or scifi stuff, even that young, it would hold some possible social connections. But I feel creepy talking to kids that young. Although I don't come across or look as old as I am. But still, the socializing with kids more than half my age?..yeah, I just feel like it's not a great idea.

I guess with the JCC, like all of these experiences, some of it is random chance, but maybe if I did the exact same thing on another night or a few times, I may end up with a different result.

Although I am reminded, like at the library the other night, it could backfire, and hearing loud groups of younger people or children could be worse than not talking to anyone. Unsure.

But for tonight, I'd say 

Finding a quiet place to read and escaping the kids and noise near my home that I can hear? yes
Seeing or connecting with someone here at the JCC while reading or blogging? not really

I guess I will do some research and intend to go walking in my next trip. The destination indoor walks here though, might be enough to keep my membership during the winter at least. But like I said, I have some skepticism it will result in the "meeting new people" thing.

But researching if there are groups/clubs of people with similar interests here? Music/Vinyl/Concerts? Scifi? Film? Sports even?..maybe even a Widow/Widowers group?..kind of like the grief group I do Zoom calls with every few weeks, might exist.

I will admit, seeing kids here..8-15 or 16 y/o ish..I mean that was me back in my youth anyway here, so I shouldn't be super surprised to see much of that still here.

I guess I may report back on this at some point soon. Call it an experiment that I need give some time with. Barnsie and Mt. Zion..seem to be ok. The Library(s) and JCC?..gonna have to see over some more time.

There is also the Geek Hangout..which the jury is still out on too. I'd love to meet some fellow DS9 or Psych fans even, which they may exist, but finding them and connecting where people get together? could be a big hurdle. But maybe it's just a matter of digging...

An extraverted Social person who often feels invisible to others with the intention of not bothering them. Is it due to everyone else being introverted? or is it just me? Social Anxiety (Disorder)? I swear I have it, or have had it, despite my chatty nature. I feel like I bother people by talking too much. But I likely am on the spectrum anyway. But maybe I just need to learn to ask others about themselves more, and they will engage more?

Love...

 Who gets it? 

I keep trying things and feel like it's not the right thing to do. Not what I *should* be doing. And even these things that feel good, don't prevent the things or the tendency to feel guilty.

September 23, 2016..myself and the wedding party got together at Burger Moe's in St.Paul after going over the rehearsal for the next day's wedding ceremony at my cousin and his wife's space,  

What do I remember? I remember John being late. I remember it was a fair amount of waiting, and trying to figure out how many seats and how to setup the seats. I remember Joyce's cousin Robert helping with how the lighting was to needed to be hung.

I also remember many were relieved when the rehearsal was over and we got to Burger Moe's for dinner, which was a buffet of sliders, including really good Salmon burger sliders.

9 years...in some ways it seems like it was yesterday. In other ways, it feels like it was a lifetime ago, especially with what has come the years following and of course losing Joyce just over 2 months ago now.

I just wish I could cope better. Wish I felt like what I was trying to do, was best for me. I am trying my best, doing more than most people would. And yet, I keep feeling guilty.

Why am I thinking of new people I met, when it was just 2 months ago Joyce was my living wife? I don't understand love, or life, or time or space. If I could fall asleep and not wake up and believe I would be with her again, I probably would.. 

But at the same time, I'm only 49. Was I or she supposed to only live 5 decades? In the bodies we were born into at least. 

It's like that misnomer of what humans understand. Life on earth has a beginning, a middle and an end. Most life on earth does not exist in its body as long as humans do. Although some do longer like trees and I want to say Turtrles or Tortoises?

Which by the way, I saw 1 yesterday 

A baby turtle. Poor little thing, probably separated from its mother. I hope it found its mother and is doing well. 

What am I supposed to do? I'm spending time at my "Cheers" aka Barnesy, not reading my Aunt's book which I just finished last Saturday, but a new one maybe after writing this. Likely "It's Okay, You're Not Okay" by Megan Devine, or maybe "Snowcrash" or something else.

And I feel like, but hopefully am not going crazy when I see a younger woman of color shopping in here, who almost could pass for Joyce when she was in High School or maybe at 1 point in college. I went over to the register to inquire what she bought, and much to my relief, it was some fantasty book Joyce would never have bought or read. Two Twisted Crowns by Rachel Gillig.

Yeah, no. The Joyce I knew, or the Joyce who I knew about in HS or later..she couldn't have been paid to read this novel, which might be good, but, Fantasy + Mama = No bueno.

I dunno, am I paranoid to see women who look like or remind me of Joyce? maybe I am. With this serendipitous stuff that I at least think is happening to me, I guess I am.

I imagine many widow/widowers would be overjoyed for it. I'm just a easily triggered blubberer for it.

And feeling guilty about wanting a hug, wanting someone to eat dinner with. And let's be honest, wanting a WOMAN who isn't necessarily someone whose a friend of Joyce's. But isn't going to be Joyce, but also will be fine, if not enjoy hearing about her a lot.

In other words, I am Joyce now. What you get with Kyle, is you get Kyle+Joyce. Joyce dialog, some of her personality, and references, memories..many habits, etc.

Which maybe I'm underselling why that wouldn't be an issue for any woman. Or anyone really, platonic or friendship. Joyce basically possessed me in a lot of ways, and maybe more than ever is and will for a long time.

But, maybe at some point the single times without her and another woman, will get easier. I'm concerned it won't or will take a long time. Why coming to Barnes and Noble..the JCC, maybe Caribou or some other places could be my sanctuary. The Synagogue as well.

I dunno, maybe I need to think at some point, there will be people who notice me and just want to spend time with me, when I'm free. It could backfire per I don't desire to have stalkers or people who get clingy, needy, creepy too.

But, sitting at home online, by myself with my 2 kitties..which I am still concerned about miss Mocha.

I guess everyone secretly fantasizes about being somewhere in public and there's an admirer..romantic or even just platonic, but still an admirer. I'm no exception for that. It's super romantic and I'm a sucker for it like so many others. But I have lived basically my whole life rarely if ever experiencing that. 

Maybe it's a little like fame. People who don't have it but desire it, don't really know what they are wanting or wishing for. Wanting some kind of admirer, wether from a distance with little to no contact, or it could be someone you know who you talk to. A friend or something who secretly thinks they are in love with you, but is too shy or something to tell you.

Yeah, I'm a fucking sucker for that, at least in my mind. It's that feeling you get when someone likes you, and you either find out or find out there's a chance of it, and you may see them in a way that it brings butterflies. 

It totally taps into what your heart wants and desires. It goes beyond your brain really. Your heart feels strong or is more prominent. And I'm so sensitive right now, if I did find that out, I would probably burst into tears for awhile. Tears of happiness, but also caution.

It's that feeling, that can't really be explained properly in words. Beauty, kindness, thoughtfulness, almost telepatthic or rather EMPATHIC of knowing that you make someone feel good or help them, that really needs it. And thus, you feel good as well.

But, there is the brain that tells me that it's too good to be true. I have thinking my marriage to Joyce in a lot of ways feels that way. I know many other family members and friends who had relationships that lasted much longer. And I spent 20 or more years, thinking I would be in a Long Term Relationship, but never having it happen.

The adage, you  never will find love if you're looking for it. But when you're not, Cupid and Aphrodite will find you.

And I had it for 14 years, but what was 14 years for me, is or has been 2, 3, even 4+ times that long for others. Is that fair to compare? probably not, but I can't help but still think about it. Too Good to Be True..we never even got to go on a Honeymoon. Our Anniversary trips and trips in general, always had something go wrong or bad. Although part of that is traveling and Joyce's tendency to dwell on the negative. Doom and Gloom, etc. It was her in a lot of ways, despite many of her life's successes.

But, I am feeling or wondering what love is now, having lost the woman I loved. She's in my heart, but I can't hold her, help her, drive her to places, or even actually talk to her with responses. I can only remember her and research her documented life now.

And I may find love again, but jeez, Cupid likes to play some seriously screwy mindgames sometimes. I both appreciate parts of that, but also feel like I'd rather implode than deal with more of a broken heart, or even having someone else have one. I don't want anyone to get hurt...but better to have loved and lost or tried to love? than just ignore my feelings and how my heart feels.

Because women can be so sweet and charming and can woo you. It's not purely lust. Sure, the lust can be a HUGE part of it, but there's almost an unlimited amount of beautiful, attractive women..7 out of 10 that I tend to see. But then you have so many others who come across as so sweet and nice, that it gets to be frustrating and unfair sometimes. But if I'm lucky enough to find 1 who is like that, and likes me, gets me, knows me, cares about me like I would care about her, that goes beyond the physical attractioin, then Cupid did his job.

Joyce at KFAI March 25th, 2011

 for some reason, these songs have been in my head over the last week

Kevin Gilbert - Staring Into Nothing

dredg - Scissor Lock

Fates Warning - A Pleasant Shade of Gray Part IX

Rush - Bravado

Marillion - Brave

The other odd thing is with Joyce and KFAI radio. I have often had this image of her and maybe I with the Mew song "Louise Louisa" being down at KFAI. Right around the time we met or more likely a few months later when we started dating. The lyric "what a day I've had. What a day...I've had"..Either 1 day she went down to KFAI after having a long day at work, after coming from the Barnes and Noble in downtown Minneapolis which wasn't too far from KFAI.

But in now remembering the details, these photos from March 25th, 2011. On a Friday Night. 

Part of it was, sort of the surreal nature of actually realizing she was interested in me. It's 1 of those things that maybe at the time doesn't fully resonate with you at the time, but later you realize how significant it was.

I remember that popped into my head in listening to And the Glass Handed Kites and made me appreciate that song, as sad as it was. It was almost like a premonition. I even recall telling Joyce vaguely about this, and how sad it made me. But I never realized it would hold extra meaning after what happened to her. 

I totally forgot about what she was even wearing that night, and I'll admit I wanted some kind of way to remember it, but doubted there would be. But we took these photos of her, which captured it for me now.

Joyce and Kevin Gilbert

Part of me wonders if in some place beyond this dimension, this conversation happened/is happening/will happen.

Joyce: Hi Kevin, my name is Joyce Lopez. My husband Kyle loves your music, more than any music ever made. I tried to enjoy your music, and have actually liked some of it. The song "Finally Over You" is the one song that I really enjoy.

I also am a Sheryl Crow fan. I was before I met Kyle. I do enjoy the Tuesday Night Music Club album you and the others made with Sheryl.

Kevin: That is flattering, but thank you. My music has reached many I guess since I died. Yeah, that album was a huge undertaking for Sheryl, myself and the others. It was a long time ago, and I'm ultimately happy it did so much for her career.

Joyce: I also heard you were a big Monkees fan. They were my favorite band of all-time. I was loyal maybe to a fault how much I consumed The Monkees. I did find it ironic how much Kyle's favorite musician loved my favorite band. I even remember him playing a version of "Pleasant Valley Sunday" you did on some radio show?

Kevin: Yeah, I love The Monkees. They were brilliant. They combined pop songs, with humor and in the show. Goofing around, but with music that was really well written at times. That was part of what happened at the time, in the 60's, with all the songwriters, and so much music coming out, establishing Rock and Pop music that would change things so dramatically. Even their movie "Head" I found to be genius.

Joyce: I think Kyle would appreciate that, as he likes "Head" and how weird it was. Myself? I grew to appreciate a lot of Head, but normally "Weird" music and movies are not my thing. I like, or rather *need* things linear most of the time. The Monkees, and actually Michael Nesmith's music at times wasn't. But, for some reason, they spoke to me, despite that. The show included. Although the show overall, the episodes are for the most part, straight, linear plots, with a few exceptions.

Kevin: Yeah, I guess never thought that about the show. But it makes sense. It was very different still for the time. You had Gilligans Island and Batman around the time, so The Monkees in some ways came across as a little unusual. Especially when the show ended, and they did Head. They kind of defied what their audience and critics expected. And that in some ways was what I appreciated about them.

Terms..

 Adjustment Disorder

Agoraphobia

some others to add, but these are 2 for sure I am dealing with. If the loss of a loved one or spouse is not giving someone medically a disease, like Grief not being a diagnosable condition, and it's not exactly depression.

These are 2 anxiety driven conditions at least. Agoraphobia I guess is kind of a general anxiety condition, but it is caused by the panic that one would get from a change or trying to deal with a dramatic change like losing one's companion or spouse in my case.

More maybe on this later, although I am more likely to make a YouTube video soon going over more of this stuff and a lot more of course.

dredg - Convalescent

 

Maybe you've never seen it
Maybe you've never been through it
It's the only way to understand it

This is one of my favorite dredg tunes (although I love many of their songs of course).

That line or 2 lines really captures so much. It can be applied to dozens if not 100's of situations or scenarios.

But, it totally applies to my situation right now with the loss of Joyce. And grief, losing a loved one, and not only a loved one, but a spouse/significant other. And in my case, so super quick, with no warning in sight.

And it also would go to 1 in a couple who are in a happy, loving marriage maybe moreso.

I mean a lot of people are helping me, but, there seems to very much be a different perspective of those who have lost someone they were so close to. And suddenly even, that if they have not, the experience is not fully understood like it is with someone who has. Whose gone or going through what I am.

It's kind of like how I am telling Joyce's story. Showing others what for the most part she was really and fully like. Nobody knew her like me. At least in the 14+ years we were together. Nobody knew her like I did. And while some of that is not so happy necessarily, it still was who she was.

I'm not trying to show her in a poor or bad light. I really don't, because I loved her. I really did, despite the occasional struggles. I would not have stayed with her if I didn't. I did mostly everything I could to make her happy. At times it didn't work, or at least she didn't express it to me. But that was part of her strong-willed personality.

I actually, now thinking about it, didn't cry in front of her enough. I did sometimes, but now thinking about it and how much I am now, daily of course, I wish I had more. I guess part of it was her dwelling on the negative or doom-and-gloom mentality. Glass Half Empty at times, and if I was down and depressed, it would only make things worse. I try to look at the bright side, focus on the positive as much as I can.

So, I held it in at times. But..I just should have more. I think we may have found ways to bond better at times.

Even when we had arguments or conflicts and then I went into silent treatment.  I wish I had given in and just told her I was sorry and if there was anything I could do, even swallow pride. Although sometimes it was more about her losing something or not getting something  because she was too late or something I had really nothing to do with. But she was upset and basically had to direct her emotion to or on me.

But I still should have more.

Anyway..yeah that lyric captures it. It's something you really can't fully understand unless or until you've been through it.