Lady Gaga + Bruno Mars - Die With a Smile (Joyce)

This song, Joyce played constantly the Summer and Fall of 2024. It really was the last song she ever loved. And while I still have reservations about Bruno Mars, Joyce did too when he showed up around the same time Mayer Hawthorne and Janelle Monae (and even Kimbra) did in 2011/2012/2013. Joyce came around with him a little bit on "Uptown Funk" (her friend Bernetta may have helped that), and then especially with his collaboration with Anderson Paak. and SILK SONIC. The 70's r&b funk vibes totally spoke to her.

But then this tune, she became obsessed with, as she occassionally did with 1 song. She'd play it over and over and over.

And I'll admit, the song is pretty good. The instrumental guitar bridge/solo is great.

But I can't deny, it has and maybe will almost always come back to me with the lyrics and how she died a year after it came out. August 16th, 2024 is specifically when it was released.

In the middle of the hell of Dumpy's campaign. Kamala was confirmed literally 3 days after it was released on August 19th, 2024.

But the other biggie is the title and lyric "Die With a Smile"..when Joyce died, she was smiling. I have pics to prove it actually (I'm not going to show them though).

So, WTF..prophetic?..was listening to this song a premonition to her fate? and why didn't I die with her holding her in my arms?

I dunno, I don't want to believe in this stuff, but so much strange stuff has happened since she passed away, I can't help but wonder. Maybe somewhere in this song it suggests we will be together again, so holding on to that thought and belief, it gives me a bit of solace and peace.

But, I can't deny, for some reason this song almost predicted her near future. And reading much of Brian K Vaughan's recently released Graphic Novel, Spectators which is about what seems like it could be the end of the human race..or heading toward that, this almost adds more to that thought. 

But Spectators is set a long ways into the future..or in the future, several decades at least.

But maybe there is some hope and belief when I go, I will be with her and the lyrics and message behind this tune will not be so profoundly sad, even as romantic as they come across.

But make no mistake, Joyce and in her body, did Die With a Smile on her face, at least physically. She knew she was going to die, although she also said to me "People keep saying I'm going to kick the bucket. I'd like them to know, it ain't over til it's over." (Lenny..oddly who I still wish should have done the Prince tribute instead of Bruno Mars, but that's separate).

Ooh

I, I just woke up from a dream

Where you and I had to say goodbye

And I don't know what it all means

But since I survived, I realized

Wherever you go, that's where I'll follow

Nobody's promised tomorrow

So I'ma love you every night like it's the last night

Like it's the last night

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

If the party was over and our time on Earth was through

I'd wanna hold you just for a while and die with a smile

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

Ooh

Ooh, lost, lost in the words that we scream

I don't even wanna do this anymore

'Cause you already know what you mean to me

And our love's the only war worth fighting for

Wherever you go, that's where I'll follow

Nobody's promised tomorrow

So I'ma love you every night like it's the last night

Like it's the last night

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

If the party was over and our time on Earth was through

I'd wanna hold you just for a while and die with a smile

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

Right next to you

Next to you

Right next to you

Oh-oh, oh

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

If the party was over and our time on Earth was through

I'd wanna hold you just for a while and die with a smile

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

If the world was ending, I'd wanna be next to you

Ooh

I'd wanna be next to you

Therapy outside of home...

 Since losing Joyce, I've done a few things new/different.

Going to Synagogue once a week, mostly on Friday nights

Going to the Cemetery once a week

Trivia with Joyce's MNHS friends/colleagues. Kind of intermittently, but about once per month on Mondays or Wednesdays

Going to Barnes & Nobles, mostly 1 location. It could change. Reading, writing a little, people watching and at times, socializing mostly with the staff

Walking after work, mostly in my neighborhood. But with the intention of doing destination walks to Cemeteries, Parks and other spots. Here's a vague list

-Caponi Art Park (only through October)

-The Arboretum: went once, likely to go again, and it is open 12 months a year, but a bit of a commute down in Chaska, MN.

-Lakewood Cemetery

-Lebanon Hills Regional Park: went once, pretty enjoyable. No idea their hours/times of year open

-Dodge Nature Center in West St.Paul

-Lake Bde Maka Ska (previously Lake Calhoun)

-Summit Avenue

-Thompson Park in South St. Paul

-Malls: Mall of a America? Harmar? Maplewood Mall? Rosedale? Southdale? Burnsville Center?..maybe more likely in the Winter when the daylight is less and colder of course..maybe Galleria as well

-Along the Mississippi River in St.Paul

-7th Street and/or near Irvine Park

-Across the High Bridge..definitely not during the the Winter though

-Cavalry Cemetery: where Joyce is. Beyond going to talk to her, doing a walk. 

-many others I'm sure.

The point about the walks, and some may end up hopefully with others beyond The Arboretum.

But I also have both now gone to the Eagan Library and now as I write this, the St.Paul Jewish Community Center.

And I suspect the 4 or 5 go-to's could be

-Mt. Zion Synagogue

-Barnes & Noble

-Eagan Library

-JCC

I'm paying for the JCC for example. Barnes & Noble is the 1 I've probably enjoyed the most, or got the most out of thus far per I have engaged with the staff. Mt.Zion somewhat as well, and that has a weekly ritual and structure to it. But the people there have really been nice and approachable. They do have other events and activities beyond the Shabbat services that I may be involved with at some point. I need to do some research and see.

I also am going to try and look into Community Ed, specifically Cooking classes. The concern I have though for those are, that they seem to be about learning to cook 1 specific dish or style, which still may be worth doing, but not necessarily my ideal "cooking class" as opposed just a general class.

The social aspect to those and all this stuff seems to vary. Taking walks by myself may not result in a lot of social activity, but it potentially could I suppose.

As I am at the JCC right now, it does concern me a little bit from a social standpoint, most of the people here on a Thursday night are

a) Here to workout.

b) Here with their children, often to workout

Which kind of tells me, there's a chance getting something more out of coming here really will require me working out, as opposed to going to Barnes & Noble or the Library. And I do think swimming or walking, as long it doesn't require more $, I could be up for. I'm not sure though even doing those acitivities will lead to a lot of social activity. It might, but I swear I've had many experiences of that kind of thing where the people in public doing that stuff want very little to do with me and probably others socially.

But I won't know, if I don't try I guess. So, my next trip to the JCC sometime soon, I'm gonna have forgo blogging and maybe even reading, and plan to try and to do some walking.

I do know people here from my past, but who knows if/when I will run in to them. There is 1 woman who I used to go to school and Hebrew/Sunday school with I know does come here.

I guess if I do run into someone, her, or someone else potentially, it may make things easier.

But the primary reason for me coming to the JCC, joining, etc, was to get out of the house, and find an escape from the Misophonia-triggering neighbors/neighborhood I live in. And to maybe meet some (new) people, or spend time with people. Not necessarily doing physical activity though. More social. People watching, talking about things, common interests, etc. But, the jury very much is out on that.

I'll see. I may see how it goes, coming here over many trips, if I'm getting more out of it or not.

The other locations I am thinking of seeking out for an escape from my isolation at home, sometimes later in the evening perhaps

-Perkins
-Lunds, which is open until 10pm and has tables to sit and dine on

-Caribou..potentially several, but 1 of the locations in Eagan for sure

And along with B&N and maybe even another restaaurant or 2 potentially, they could serve the same purpose that I had in mind at the JCC, without having to pay for the membership. Per the JCC is still $83 a month? something like that, so it ends up being like $1000 per year. Not a fortune, but not nothing.

I guess it may depend my finances when the dust settles in the coming months. I am facing the reality that I am a 1-income household. But I also am shopping/paying for just 1 now. There also is the reality that I am currently now a 1-pet or cat household as well. So at least for now, I am saving $ in some of areas as well.

In other words, maybe $1000 a year isn't so dramatic, depending how much I can save. But there's a lot of other factors, especially just considering I may need to try saving $ anyway. Even or especially the $ that will come out of Joyce's affairs.

But for now, I'm going to try the JCC. But coming to the JCC to read and blog may not be what I do every time or even at all eventually. I don't know.

1. Synagogue

2. Barnes & Noble

3. Library

4. JCC

In terms of Social activity. But the library and JCC, I'm just starting to use so the jury is very much out. I do still worry though, I'm going to experience what I used to experience before I met Joyce in that I am people watching, and I'm noticing them, but they are not showing me they are noticing me if they are at all.

People go to these places to do their thing and go home. They're not bars, or even social clubs. Although I would think they would have them. The library also clearly is a spot at times for MUCH YOUNGER people. High School, Grade School and maybe some College Students who may not want anything to do with me.

I'll admit, if I could meet people into music or scifi stuff, even that young, it would hold some possible social connections. But I feel creepy talking to kids that young. Although I don't come across or look as old as I am. But still, the socializing with kids more than half my age?..yeah, I just feel like it's not a great idea.

I guess with the JCC, like all of these experiences, some of it is random chance, but maybe if I did the exact same thing on another night or a few times, I may end up with a different result.

Although I am reminded, like at the library the other night, it could backfire, and hearing loud groups of younger people or children could be worse than not talking to anyone. Unsure.

But for tonight, I'd say 

Finding a quiet place to read and escaping the kids and noise near my home that I can hear? yes
Seeing or connecting with someone here at the JCC while reading or blogging? not really

I guess I will do some research and intend to go walking in my next trip. The destination indoor walks here though, might be enough to keep my membership during the winter at least. But like I said, I have some skepticism it will result in the "meeting new people" thing.

But researching if there are groups/clubs of people with similar interests here? Music/Vinyl/Concerts? Scifi? Film? Sports even?..maybe even a Widow/Widowers group?..kind of like the grief group I do Zoom calls with every few weeks, might exist.

I will admit, seeing kids here..8-15 or 16 y/o ish..I mean that was me back in my youth anyway here, so I shouldn't be super surprised to see much of that still here.

I guess I may report back on this at some point soon. Call it an experiment that I need give some time with. Barnsie and Mt. Zion..seem to be ok. The Library(s) and JCC?..gonna have to see over some more time.

There is also the Geek Hangout..which the jury is still out on too. I'd love to meet some fellow DS9 or Psych fans even, which they may exist, but finding them and connecting where people get together? could be a big hurdle. But maybe it's just a matter of digging...

An extraverted Social person who often feels invisible to others with the intention of not bothering them. Is it due to everyone else being introverted? or is it just me? Social Anxiety (Disorder)? I swear I have it, or have had it, despite my chatty nature. I feel like I bother people by talking too much. But I likely am on the spectrum anyway. But maybe I just need to learn to ask others about themselves more, and they will engage more?

Love...

 Who gets it? 

I keep trying things and feel like it's not the right thing to do. Not what I *should* be doing. And even these things that feel good, don't prevent the things or the tendency to feel guilty.

September 23, 2016..myself and the wedding party got together at Burger Moe's in St.Paul after going over the rehearsal for the next day's wedding ceremony at my cousin and his wife's space,  

What do I remember? I remember John being late. I remember it was a fair amount of waiting, and trying to figure out how many seats and how to setup the seats. I remember Joyce's cousin Robert helping with how the lighting was to needed to be hung.

I also remember many were relieved when the rehearsal was over and we got to Burger Moe's for dinner, which was a buffet of sliders, including really good Salmon burger sliders.

9 years...in some ways it seems like it was yesterday. In other ways, it feels like it was a lifetime ago, especially with what has come the years following and of course losing Joyce just over 2 months ago now.

I just wish I could cope better. Wish I felt like what I was trying to do, was best for me. I am trying my best, doing more than most people would. And yet, I keep feeling guilty.

Why am I thinking of new people I met, when it was just 2 months ago Joyce was my living wife? I don't understand love, or life, or time or space. If I could fall asleep and not wake up and believe I would be with her again, I probably would.. 

But at the same time, I'm only 49. Was I or she supposed to only live 5 decades? In the bodies we were born into at least. 

It's like that misnomer of what humans understand. Life on earth has a beginning, a middle and an end. Most life on earth does not exist in its body as long as humans do. Although some do longer like trees and I want to say Turtrles or Tortoises?

Which by the way, I saw 1 yesterday 

A baby turtle. Poor little thing, probably separated from its mother. I hope it found its mother and is doing well. 

What am I supposed to do? I'm spending time at my "Cheers" aka Barnesy, not reading my Aunt's book which I just finished last Saturday, but a new one maybe after writing this. Likely "It's Okay, You're Not Okay" by Megan Devine, or maybe "Snowcrash" or something else.

And I feel like, but hopefully am not going crazy when I see a younger woman of color shopping in here, who almost could pass for Joyce when she was in High School or maybe at 1 point in college. I went over to the register to inquire what she bought, and much to my relief, it was some fantasty book Joyce would never have bought or read. Two Twisted Crowns by Rachel Gillig.

Yeah, no. The Joyce I knew, or the Joyce who I knew about in HS or later..she couldn't have been paid to read this novel, which might be good, but, Fantasy + Mama = No bueno.

I dunno, am I paranoid to see women who look like or remind me of Joyce? maybe I am. With this serendipitous stuff that I at least think is happening to me, I guess I am.

I imagine many widow/widowers would be overjoyed for it. I'm just a easily triggered blubberer for it.

And feeling guilty about wanting a hug, wanting someone to eat dinner with. And let's be honest, wanting a WOMAN who isn't necessarily someone whose a friend of Joyce's. But isn't going to be Joyce, but also will be fine, if not enjoy hearing about her a lot.

In other words, I am Joyce now. What you get with Kyle, is you get Kyle+Joyce. Joyce dialog, some of her personality, and references, memories..many habits, etc.

Which maybe I'm underselling why that wouldn't be an issue for any woman. Or anyone really, platonic or friendship. Joyce basically possessed me in a lot of ways, and maybe more than ever is and will for a long time.

But, maybe at some point the single times without her and another woman, will get easier. I'm concerned it won't or will take a long time. Why coming to Barnes and Noble..the JCC, maybe Caribou or some other places could be my sanctuary. The Synagogue as well.

I dunno, maybe I need to think at some point, there will be people who notice me and just want to spend time with me, when I'm free. It could backfire per I don't desire to have stalkers or people who get clingy, needy, creepy too.

But, sitting at home online, by myself with my 2 kitties..which I am still concerned about miss Mocha.

I guess everyone secretly fantasizes about being somewhere in public and there's an admirer..romantic or even just platonic, but still an admirer. I'm no exception for that. It's super romantic and I'm a sucker for it like so many others. But I have lived basically my whole life rarely if ever experiencing that. 

Maybe it's a little like fame. People who don't have it but desire it, don't really know what they are wanting or wishing for. Wanting some kind of admirer, wether from a distance with little to no contact, or it could be someone you know who you talk to. A friend or something who secretly thinks they are in love with you, but is too shy or something to tell you.

Yeah, I'm a fucking sucker for that, at least in my mind. It's that feeling you get when someone likes you, and you either find out or find out there's a chance of it, and you may see them in a way that it brings butterflies. 

It totally taps into what your heart wants and desires. It goes beyond your brain really. Your heart feels strong or is more prominent. And I'm so sensitive right now, if I did find that out, I would probably burst into tears for awhile. Tears of happiness, but also caution.

It's that feeling, that can't really be explained properly in words. Beauty, kindness, thoughtfulness, almost telepatthic or rather EMPATHIC of knowing that you make someone feel good or help them, that really needs it. And thus, you feel good as well.

But, there is the brain that tells me that it's too good to be true. I have thinking my marriage to Joyce in a lot of ways feels that way. I know many other family members and friends who had relationships that lasted much longer. And I spent 20 or more years, thinking I would be in a Long Term Relationship, but never having it happen.

The adage, you  never will find love if you're looking for it. But when you're not, Cupid and Aphrodite will find you.

And I had it for 14 years, but what was 14 years for me, is or has been 2, 3, even 4+ times that long for others. Is that fair to compare? probably not, but I can't help but still think about it. Too Good to Be True..we never even got to go on a Honeymoon. Our Anniversary trips and trips in general, always had something go wrong or bad. Although part of that is traveling and Joyce's tendency to dwell on the negative. Doom and Gloom, etc. It was her in a lot of ways, despite many of her life's successes.

But, I am feeling or wondering what love is now, having lost the woman I loved. She's in my heart, but I can't hold her, help her, drive her to places, or even actually talk to her with responses. I can only remember her and research her documented life now.

And I may find love again, but jeez, Cupid likes to play some seriously screwy mindgames sometimes. I both appreciate parts of that, but also feel like I'd rather implode than deal with more of a broken heart, or even having someone else have one. I don't want anyone to get hurt...but better to have loved and lost or tried to love? than just ignore my feelings and how my heart feels.

Because women can be so sweet and charming and can woo you. It's not purely lust. Sure, the lust can be a HUGE part of it, but there's almost an unlimited amount of beautiful, attractive women..7 out of 10 that I tend to see. But then you have so many others who come across as so sweet and nice, that it gets to be frustrating and unfair sometimes. But if I'm lucky enough to find 1 who is like that, and likes me, gets me, knows me, cares about me like I would care about her, that goes beyond the physical attractioin, then Cupid did his job.

Joyce at KFAI March 25th, 2011

 for some reason, these songs have been in my head over the last week

Kevin Gilbert - Staring Into Nothing

dredg - Scissor Lock

Fates Warning - A Pleasant Shade of Gray Part IX

Rush - Bravado

Marillion - Brave

The other odd thing is with Joyce and KFAI radio. I have often had this image of her and maybe I with the Mew song "Louise Louisa" being down at KFAI. Right around the time we met or more likely a few months later when we started dating. The lyric "what a day I've had. What a day...I've had"..Either 1 day she went down to KFAI after having a long day at work, after coming from the Barnes and Noble in downtown Minneapolis which wasn't too far from KFAI.

But in now remembering the details, these photos from March 25th, 2011. On a Friday Night. 

Part of it was, sort of the surreal nature of actually realizing she was interested in me. It's 1 of those things that maybe at the time doesn't fully resonate with you at the time, but later you realize how significant it was.

I remember that popped into my head in listening to And the Glass Handed Kites and made me appreciate that song, as sad as it was. It was almost like a premonition. I even recall telling Joyce vaguely about this, and how sad it made me. But I never realized it would hold extra meaning after what happened to her. 

I totally forgot about what she was even wearing that night, and I'll admit I wanted some kind of way to remember it, but doubted there would be. But we took these photos of her, which captured it for me now.

Joyce and Kevin Gilbert

Part of me wonders if in some place beyond this dimension, this conversation happened/is happening/will happen.

Joyce: Hi Kevin, my name is Joyce Lopez. My husband Kyle loves your music, more than any music ever made. I tried to enjoy your music, and have actually liked some of it. The song "Finally Over You" is the one song that I really enjoy.

I also am a Sheryl Crow fan. I was before I met Kyle. I do enjoy the Tuesday Night Music Club album you and the others made with Sheryl.

Kevin: That is flattering, but thank you. My music has reached many I guess since I died. Yeah, that album was a huge undertaking for Sheryl, myself and the others. It was a long time ago, and I'm ultimately happy it did so much for her career.

Joyce: I also heard you were a big Monkees fan. They were my favorite band of all-time. I was loyal maybe to a fault how much I consumed The Monkees. I did find it ironic how much Kyle's favorite musician loved my favorite band. I even remember him playing a version of "Pleasant Valley Sunday" you did on some radio show?

Kevin: Yeah, I love The Monkees. They were brilliant. They combined pop songs, with humor and in the show. Goofing around, but with music that was really well written at times. That was part of what happened at the time, in the 60's, with all the songwriters, and so much music coming out, establishing Rock and Pop music that would change things so dramatically. Even their movie "Head" I found to be genius.

Joyce: I think Kyle would appreciate that, as he likes "Head" and how weird it was. Myself? I grew to appreciate a lot of Head, but normally "Weird" music and movies are not my thing. I like, or rather *need* things linear most of the time. The Monkees, and actually Michael Nesmith's music at times wasn't. But, for some reason, they spoke to me, despite that. The show included. Although the show overall, the episodes are for the most part, straight, linear plots, with a few exceptions.

Kevin: Yeah, I guess never thought that about the show. But it makes sense. It was very different still for the time. You had Gilligans Island and Batman around the time, so The Monkees in some ways came across as a little unusual. Especially when the show ended, and they did Head. They kind of defied what their audience and critics expected. And that in some ways was what I appreciated about them.

Terms..

 Adjustment Disorder

Agoraphobia

some others to add, but these are 2 for sure I am dealing with. If the loss of a loved one or spouse is not giving someone medically a disease, like Grief not being a diagnosable condition, and it's not exactly depression.

These are 2 anxiety driven conditions at least. Agoraphobia I guess is kind of a general anxiety condition, but it is caused by the panic that one would get from a change or trying to deal with a dramatic change like losing one's companion or spouse in my case.

More maybe on this later, although I am more likely to make a YouTube video soon going over more of this stuff and a lot more of course.

dredg - Convalescent

 

Maybe you've never seen it
Maybe you've never been through it
It's the only way to understand it

This is one of my favorite dredg tunes (although I love many of their songs of course).

That line or 2 lines really captures so much. It can be applied to dozens if not 100's of situations or scenarios.

But, it totally applies to my situation right now with the loss of Joyce. And grief, losing a loved one, and not only a loved one, but a spouse/significant other. And in my case, so super quick, with no warning in sight.

And it also would go to 1 in a couple who are in a happy, loving marriage maybe moreso.

I mean a lot of people are helping me, but, there seems to very much be a different perspective of those who have lost someone they were so close to. And suddenly even, that if they have not, the experience is not fully understood like it is with someone who has. Whose gone or going through what I am.

It's kind of like how I am telling Joyce's story. Showing others what for the most part she was really and fully like. Nobody knew her like me. At least in the 14+ years we were together. Nobody knew her like I did. And while some of that is not so happy necessarily, it still was who she was.

I'm not trying to show her in a poor or bad light. I really don't, because I loved her. I really did, despite the occasional struggles. I would not have stayed with her if I didn't. I did mostly everything I could to make her happy. At times it didn't work, or at least she didn't express it to me. But that was part of her strong-willed personality.

I actually, now thinking about it, didn't cry in front of her enough. I did sometimes, but now thinking about it and how much I am now, daily of course, I wish I had more. I guess part of it was her dwelling on the negative or doom-and-gloom mentality. Glass Half Empty at times, and if I was down and depressed, it would only make things worse. I try to look at the bright side, focus on the positive as much as I can.

So, I held it in at times. But..I just should have more. I think we may have found ways to bond better at times.

Even when we had arguments or conflicts and then I went into silent treatment.  I wish I had given in and just told her I was sorry and if there was anything I could do, even swallow pride. Although sometimes it was more about her losing something or not getting something  because she was too late or something I had really nothing to do with. But she was upset and basically had to direct her emotion to or on me.

But I still should have more.

Anyway..yeah that lyric captures it. It's something you really can't fully understand unless or until you've been through it.

ChatGPT take on whether I could have done anything or not...

 I guess I will credit this in giving me a little piece of mind..and feeling like it was some other reason, chance, or lack-of-explanation as to why this happened or anything could have been done.

But it does bring back the old adage..life can be short. You don't know when it will be taken from you. days, weeks, months, even years go by, but your time could happen to end anytime.

But, maybe there is more after we die? this whole experience has me wondering about that more and more. You go through life for awhile and think you at least figure out YOUR life (not others necessarily), and the truth is, you really may have no fucking clue. Just as no clue about an afterlife I guess.

GI Cancer Rates Rising in Women (of Color) between 40-60

https://www.dana-farber.org/newsroom/news-releases/2025/dana-farber-report-shows-alarming-rise-in-many-gastrointestinal-cancers-in-young-people

I haven't read the whole article, but wtf.

This reads like something out of a Scifi or Horror novel really.

It's not a Pandemic or Epidemic exactly, but a Fucking Plague for a specific demographic, that Joyce happened to be in.

Diet, exercise and some other factors might have prevented it, although she was 50, from what the Oncologists said, she had it when she was 49..likely even late at 48 (Spring of 2024). So, based on the demographics, she would have fallen into that category for another 10+ years.

CANCER SCREENINGS..need to be better and much more easily done. I guess part of it is finding trends besides Pollups in your colon (which could have possibly saved her, but we will never know where the Cancer started, but likely in her GI tract, so it could have been in her Colon, or her stomach, or her Esophagus, or her Pancreas.

They need to find a way to identify early symptoms and preventative measures maybe beyond diet and exercise.

I'm drowning...Clutching at Straws

 I do feel like I am here. I pray that it gets easier.

I would never have assumed losing Joyce would almost paralyze me this much mentally, along with physically.

The latest is dealing with the concern for the health of my cat Mocha and her kidneys. That along with low phosphorus food she should eat, but also to avoid Kaja eating any of it.

I swear, I'm not cut out for this. Handling that along with all of the mental and physical challenges of losing Joyce is just too much.

If I get sick, or something else screws me over, than I know why. It's not that people aren't helping me, because they are. But I'm just unsure what kind of toll this will take on me to try and do everything.

What would fix it beyond Joyce being back? I think a live-in companion could help a lot. But if/when that will happen? I worry could be a long time from now, if ever.

Somehow mentally getting past Joyce being gone and getting used to it. Hugging the Squishmellow, I used to kind of hate per it caused my pinched-nerve to flare up when using it for lumbar support. Hugging it, and how big it is, almost feels like her or a person. That and ASMR videos.

But is that or will that help enough? Is it a longterm remedy? I feel like it is more of a temporary fix.

I barely have any PTO left. 39 hours. I was out from work 23 straight days, and even subtracting the 1 week for Bereavement, 18 work days, or 3 weeks and 3 days, it drained most of it. I guess the PTO FMLA still applied to my PTO balance. Although I was only on FMLA for a week or something, the rest was just normal PTO.

I would think the FMLA would be separate, but it's not, until your PTO is exhausted or something.

I dunno..I just know a lot of this way of trying to live sucks. I did join the JCC. Will start using it likely in October. We'll see. It offers a lot, although ultimately it comes down to $1000/year, which maybe isn't a ton if I get use out of it. Maybe socially will help me more than anything. Unsure.

But I can cancel of course. I am not looking to use it like TRIA necessarily. Although swimming or maybe even basketball could be something I will do some of. I dunno, maybe I'm getting the wrong idea what I will get out of it. A safe space to go read or blog while my loud neighbors act like inconsiderate jackasses, having people over and blasting music. I also think going to Barnes and Noble or Perkins could work for that in a more practical and affordable way.

I guess I'll see. Assuming I'm able to even do that all.

And take care of all the other responsibilities that have been thrown on my plate right now.

Joining the JCC, or even the Barnesy and/or Perkins thing could have been something I might have done with Joyce. Although I could easily seen her looking at me as being selfish and "abandoning your family" mentality with it.

I mean I could be wrong, but maybe not too long from now, I will get in some kind of routine with work, food (cooking hopefully), and nightly calls or visits from people. I just can't assume anything, other than maybe the work part, assuming I do manage to work ok everyday from home.

And manage my health..jeez.

I just feel like giving up. I'm not going to take my own life, and my mind is still stable enough to know I need to work, and take my meds and eat and feed the cats and clean their litter out. Take the trash out. Pay the bills, etc.

And I am managing to sleep at least close to enough hours. Although I can totally believe what I am going through is totally draining on my energy. I feel spent at the end of the night. Maybe it's a caloric intake, I dunno. I don't want to start consuming a lot more sugar..even like from Orange Juice or something, because my energy level is not what it was. I dunno.

I just know that losing Joyce is at least in the short term, having a pretty dramatic impact on me, emotionally and physically.

I mean even if financially it wouldn't have. Like hypothetically, I had enough money to retire or take a sabatical from work in-effect. I would still feel screwed. 

I guess some of it is taking care of everything..her affairs and things..contacts..and just relying on her for things. I have said it dozens of times, but if I was still a bachelor and never met her or had any longterm relationship. Never had pets. I would have a better chance of living like this. Although things like my Diabetes and Kidney stones, Joyce helped quite a lot initially. 

But my plate might not be quite as full now or the past 15 years.

I would maybe have bought a Condo like Shannon. Maybe. But I still would struggle with things.

In other words, I'd still be screwed, just in some different ways.

I guess all I can do is keep trying and see if things work out better. Maybe someone will come into my life in the near future that will greatly help. A woman or just a friend who may not live with me, hut will in some ways feel like they are, and sort of compensate for a lot of what I have lost with losing Joyce. And totally understand how much Joyce meant to me.

Hell, this person could even work from my home if they have a dayjob.

Again though, if/when that may happen? it could be awhile, if ever. But I can only dream of that in some ways right now.

Looking the 2005-2025 Songs List..

 It's a lot of no bueno. There's a ton of those 400+ tunes that either I think of Joyce for..Kimbra is a biggie, that I'm gonna have a massive grief episode if I listen to. Cameo Lover totally brings me back to 2011 and when Joyce loved that tune.

Unless it has the opposite of fear of an effect, in that I WANT to and ENJOY feeling of being brought back to 2011 when we were 1st a couple?

Also many are just sad, melancholy tunes, that I love, but they are not uplifting exactly.

Sucks.

I may need to listen to older music that has nothing to do with Joyce or thinking of her, that isn't so sad? unsure.

Questions to ponder for therapists?

Another Dream (8/9/25)

 Joyce was in my dream again, a little more on this one.

And it involved food again.

There was a baked potato. There was 1 baked potato left in our kitchen, and I was going to make it. I did, but as it turns out, Joyce intended to have it.

So I rinsed it and heated it up in the microwave with Plastic Wrap.

I added butter and bacon bits. But like many other occasions, she told me *she* was going to have it. Although often we would split a baked potato.

I may have at least intended to add other things like grated cheddar cheese and maybe salsa and even avocado.

But she said she was going to make or eat that Baked Potato, but I took all the toppings off. However she asked me, what all had I put on the potato. And I told her butter, and then a minute or 2 later, I told her also bacon bits, which I don't think she wanted.

I didn't tell her sour cream, which would have been a deal breaker for her. Salsa kind of as well.

But she wanted the potato at rhat point.

Now come to think of it, maybe we were going to, or she wanted to split it, but I added the toppings to the whole potato. Which I might do, if we either each had our own and/didn't split it. But she told me after the fact ("that was my potato" the last potato, or she was intending to have it, or at least 1/2 of it, However she hadn't and I just went ahead and intended to make and eat it like I was going to have the whole potato).

I do know at 1 point in the dream I was questioning if Joyce was sick, and I think I even mentioned it to her, but she kind of said, well that remains to be seen or happen.

I wonder if I will have more dreams with that idea..that she  might be sick, but she is questioning it, or at least how sick, etc. I guess at this point, I will be more than happy at least if I can have her come into my dreams like this.

And like the other dream, I kind of was woken up by my cats, These dreams late into the sleep time, per it's 7:23AM, it was probably somewtime beween 6:30AM and when I woke up around 7:10AM.

Sort of short, late dream cycle dreams with her. I hope though they can last longer.

But I know in this dream, she wasn't exactly sick, but the idea of her being sick or having Cancer was still on my mind and hers. I questioned whether she was supposed to be doing things, or if she was sick, but it didn't affect her.

If this was you contacting me Joyce, thank you much! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you.

A dream I just woke up from (8/3/25)....

 Joyce was in it, ever so briefly.

My cat Kaja was on my lap while I was on the recliner chair in the living room while I was sleeping.

So, I am a little sad that i was woken up earlier than I could have been.

But in the dream, I was at some sort of buffet or potluck. More likely a buffet outdoors for something. A party or benefit. And I was grabbing food from the buffet, and Joyce was with me.

I didn't say much to her, although I think she may have been pointing out what was on the buffet to me.

It was like pot roast and mashed potatoes.

There wasn't much else, but she was there.

Maybe I will have many of these, or many more in depth. The thing I worry about is that is the extent of my interaction with her, or at least what I retain after I wake up. I have had dreams with my Grandmother ("Ma") and my Grandfather ("Papa Dave") before. Recently even. They passed about 10 and 16 years ago.

But from memory, the experience with them in the dream was limited.

I do wonder though with Joyce, it could be more often and more detailed.

But will i remember it? I hope so...even if the experience is 1 of our arguments..I honestly don't care at this point.

I dunno, a therapist will probably come up with a bunch of explanations as to why and what these dreams mean. I want to believe she is there because she is reaching out and contacting me and she misses me as I much as I miss her.

Thinking about this dream and maybe made me wonder if it was at Booya, and how I failed to add that in the Eulogy and still can. Maybe that was a reason for the dream? maybe. Booya is/was a regular tradition of ours with the kids (her cousins Victoria and Gabino) and her mom. So, not including it in the Eulogy, and now doing so, maybe adds a little something to why I had this dream. But I don't think we were at Booya in this dream. But maybe I'm wrong?

Therapy..grief triggers and trying to learn to live with them...

 I was googling what I am facing because while a lot of the day I'm not breaking down in tears, it still hits me. AI says grief can last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years on average.

And in some cases, it never fully goes away.

So I found this here on reddit which talks about ways it can get better or easier.

But I guess with the loss of Joyce I actually now have another condition if not disease.

-Digestive (IBS/IBD or just Lactose Intolerance + intolerance to processing foods with a lot of oil or fat content or a lot of heavy meals at once)

-Degenerative Disc in the spine + weak core (which may be remedied somewhat from PT or strengthening my core. Weight loss of late may have helped it a little). Wearing a brace sometimes while doing the dishes, laundry, and especially record shopping can help

-Kidney Stones. Remedied well with change in diet and meds

-Diabetes, Remedied well with change in diet and meds; Metformin + Insulin

-Blood Clot, Remedied with a blood thinner and stretching

-Reoccurring Pinched Nerve, remedied often by avoiding how I sit for long periods of time

-Missophonia

-Deviated Septum (including regular post-nasal drip)

-So add Grief and/or at least a short term level of depression.

It's better to have loved and lost, than to never loved at all.

I will always probably agree with this, however knowing what I am going through at times now and maybe more so, long term or even permanently, the question can be raised about how much it holds true.

And looking at much of what I used to whine about in in My Livejournal the 26-30 year old version of me would think I'm crazy to suggest this notion.

But this is not fun at all. I'm being continously reminded, almost tortured that she isn't here anymore, and the things I'm trying to do, something simple as eating dinner, I don't have her to eat with. Eating late, which was a terrible habit I had when I was in my 20's and even 30's, including with her to a point.

I guess part of it is I'm being worn out by trying to get all this stuff done. Get the Slide Show as good as possible, and the Eulogy. Which are close to done, and I have a few days still.

I'm trying to get the photos to be in as close to chronological order as possible. Maybe I shouldn't. Anything close should be fine.

Maybe once Tuesday is over, we've had the service and internment, and then Wednesday at the History Center, and some other odd ends. I eventually go back to work, and the plan to meet at the State Fair and eventually the celebration of Life Party maybe in a few months.

Dinner at Jensen's on our Wedding Anniversary, September 24th.

And more regular therapy sessions with Hospice and some others. Talking to my Aunt and Neighbor more regularly.

Maybe then, some of this stuff..these breakdowns that can occur sometimes in a moment's notice, maybe I will have a better handle on those.

But, I sometimes feel I'm not cut out for this. Not cut out to handle this condition. I was with her for so long, almost every day of my life the last 14+years, it very much feels like part of me died with her (Kevin Gilbert), but I'm sort of trapped if not paralyzed to trying to mentally comprehend who and what I loved for that long, is now just memories and recordings of audio, video, text and in my brain.

I know Joyce would want me to do my best to live as well as I could. To endure and gut out these challenges I am dealing with and will continue to face. Probably better me than her, I think, per she could turn into a basket case rather easily (the panic in the middle of Wisconsin in the dark at night without Cell service last September is a prime example).

But it hardly means I will be able to get past this stuff or even easily learn to live and accept it, at least initially. I actually worry that this could be way WAY harder than any of those conditions I have lived with.

Really. It could quite likely seem like Night and Day. At least for a window of time.

I may eventually date another woman which might help, but it will likely never end the memories and experiences I will be reminded of, of Joyce. The woman I may date should at least understand that, but I'm not sure when that will be. Even if, depending on how I do in getting better.

I don't love to compare, but the Cancer and Chemotherapy..and other treatments Joyce may have tried or looked at trying..combined with what the Cancer was doing to her, would still be way worse. But from a Mental standpoint, Grief seems like it feels like Cancer of Emotion and Mental Health. Not *brain* cancer of course, I don't think. But just sometthing that is super powerful  to your mind and heart in some ways, that it can have that strong an impact on how you live.

I hope trying to do normal things like work and things I enjoy, even if they are things that trigger memories or things Joyce and I did, they will change from crushing breakdowns, to laughter and happiness. Fun things.

I got the Jeff Buckley doc next week..other concerts like Those Medley Kids doing disc 1 of The Lamb.

Movies like Bad Guys 2, Happy Gilmore 2, Naked Gun revival..Minanimate, Stranger Things Season 5, Superman, Wycaro 339. State Fair, Ren Fest. Maybe the Twin Cities Film Fest. Candy Store and Apple Orchard and maybe Paisley Park with Shane (+record shopping).

And other things like trips to Vegas, Seattle and maybe even England to want to do.

Kevin Gilbert's Shaming multi-disc and the Shaming Tracks series.

+ Joyce's record collection A-Z (+other items).
And the WAMR or KAMR podcast.

But, if I'm going to do and enjoy any of this stuff, I am going to have to live-with if not greatly reduce my difficulty with these Grief episodes.

I want to believe I will be able to. And I do plan to join likely Mt. Zion and attend services on Shabbat and then go see her and the fur-babies. Maybe with others like her mom and maybe friends.

But..I also keep getting reminders from stuff like songs I love about my situation.

You're Gone from Marillion

The Great Escape + Made Again from Marillion

Song for a Dead Friend from Kevin Gilbert

Take Away My Pain from Dream Theater

many many others..even just the whole MTV thing she grew up with and loved. She would even have Martha Quinn on KOOL 108 at work. And the Buggles Video Killed the Radio Star..that whole era makes me think of Joyce both as a little girl listening.watching it, and when I knew her...so many triggers. 

The therapist I talked to the other night named Gena said to try and let it all out. I have, and it does help, but it only stops until it happens again. Talking to them or friends for long stretches does help though. I just can't expect to have them available every night. At some point, it will either be some kind of medication that'll help me, or I will get past it and the triggers as often. Not entirely, but at least A LOT LESS.

Mike Portnoy and therapy for Joyce