I feel like I have no idea wtf I am doing.
Ok so Valentine's Day was this Epic triumph for me after dreading it. i did buy balloons at Dollar Tree and Pink Roses at Targhetto for her. Also heart-shaped containers with Rasberries and Strawberries at Target as well.
And even a piece of marble cake. Unsure how much Joyce would have appreciated it as she wasn't huge into frosting.
But I also did 5? things
-Local Widows (Large group) lunch out in Bloomington
-Picked up Popusas and Carmel Corn in South Minneapolis as a benefit for businesses affected by ICE. I also chatted with a woman there who I think knows Joyce's friend Rhonda
-ASMR In Person treatment. This was incredible! Like a massage + more. And even in some ways more in depth? than some of the multi-person ASMR videos found on YouTube. This woman who helped me April, was such a sweeheart, and told me anything I wanted. So it was like gently hitting nerves that have been dormant for years. Although as much as it is AUDITORY Sensory Meridian Response, emphasis on the *auditory* she didn't do a ton with my ears up close. But Raincheck. I definitely will go back. How often? I don't know. Maybe once every month or maybe every other month per it will add up. But the cost was soh worth it.
-Dinner alone at 1881 Eating House in St.Paul. The local Widow group from St.Paul had this place schedule to meet twice in December and January. Both were cancelled. So I wanted to go. It was really good, even though I was dining out alone on Valentine's Day. I wanted to, although bring my laptop. I sort of wanted to face the music. Knowing Joyce should be with me, but she wasn't. I was in tears at times though.
But they were good, the food was and they actually gave me a free piece of turtle cheesecake (I told them about Joyce and being widowed which I guess is common).
-Chaplin's films The Immigrant and The Kid at the Capri Theater in North Minneapolis. I met someone for these, that had 2 different ensembles playing music to them. I found about this from this person who i had met the previous Wednesday at a Timeleft dinner.
This woman I met grabbed a bite at Pizza Luce afterwards. And spent several days together after that.
However, we are not dating right now, mostly due to timing. We went to a screening of "Snow" the next evening at the Parkway Theater in Minneapolis. Snow (not the Spock's Beard album), was a locally based film shot in 1996 about a White man whose relationship with his girlfriend is ending, or ended, but he's still living with her. But he meets/meets again a black woman who enjoys his music. It is rather real and romantic in a lot of ways. Shows Minneapolis in the mid 90's, although was shot in Black & White. It was restored for this screening and I picked up the Bluray (yet still do not have a bluray DVD player, lol).
This woman who I was seeing, came with me to the film. Although my thoughts were with Joyce still. I think Joyce may have appreciated this film, even the kind of music wasn't her (indie/alternative punk ala Husker Du/Replacements). The dynamic and premise may have appealed to with us.
I did cry at 1 point towards the end.
The trailer for Snow is here but it also is on Vimeo I believe. I'm surprised though I never saw or heard about it. It was shown on Sundance many times for a few years in the late 90's/early 2000's,
But this woman and I stopped seeing eachother a few days after that. Why? it's complicated.
I like a lot about her, but when my mother-in-law went into the Hospital and I came home to Kaja after being gone for 12 hours, it hit me how I'm not sure I can do a relationship like that. Maybe that's selfish? IDK
I mean for the right woman, and over some time, sure I am interested in a relationship. But while I am lonely and miss Joyce dearly (+Saundra and even Mocha), I am trying to build some semblance of a life for myself with my activities:
-Library
-Cafe
-Temple
-Widow Groups
-Temple Groups
-JCC
-Timeleft
-TC Geeks
-Bowling?
-Golf?
-Writing Course?
all while keeping and gaining new friendships, including WITH SINGLE WOMEN that starting an exclusive relationship may compromise. IDK.
I just felt so guilty coming home that night, like I was throwing a lot away. My mother-in-law's health, and just the changes that have happened, are happening, and will happen I don't know if I can handle so fast.
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To go along with, I don't know if committing to someone so fast even if my grief for Joyce was changing. Which it is, but. But also things like our 1st Date Anniversary this month or the hopeful Celebration of Life around Joyce's birthday. Will whoever I could be dating be ok with? If she really liked and cared about me, she would understand these are very important things to me. Frankly, and I've mentioned this before A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT JOYCE, THINGS JOYCE AND I DID AND STILL WANT TO DO ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
Like the Record Store Day and The Kickoff to the Fair. Memorial Day? Animated Movies, certain concerts. Even still buying music and some of her things like Hello Kitty.
I'm still torn, but don't want to let go of these things about her, with her. I intend to still write and share stories about her. Really indefinitely. Why I've said, in a lot of ways, dating me is dating me+Joyce.
Oddly though, the brief experience with this woman I dated for a week, she didn't seem to mind when I talked about Joyce. Although who knows if that would always be the case.
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But another big point I am thinking about is, I would like to be with someone who *gets* me. Gets my love of progressive rock, if not also shares it. Joyce *got me* but did not of course share my love of it. Will I end up with a woman who shares it? Maybe I deserve to be selfish in some ways and feel I should. This has been in my head for 30 fucking years. And I've gone back and forth and back and forth.
A woman into Prog who is single, lives in my town (or maybe could move? i guess), and there would not be too many reservations with. Lifestyle, etc. And I also would need to be attracted to her and likely within my dating age range.
This woman: does she exist? I still contend no. But I could be wrong. Maybe I am wrong or am currently wrong, but won't always be.
Holding out for the Muso Woman in the Twin Cities..yeah and for how long?
I mean even just 1 artist/band I love might be enough. Let me meet a single woman in Minnesota who is a Kevin Gilbert fan. Or a Marillion fan (I have a friend here, except I see her just as a friend among other reasons), or a Dream Theater fan. Rush fan, Yes fan, Fates Warning fan, Pain of Salvation fan, , Pepe Deluxe Fan, sElf fan, Jellyfish fan, etc
But women who are Musos are not easily found, single, or something else. I wonder though, the whole "getting them into" prog or any number of these bands I love. The other problem being though, I once dated a woman who got into dredg and mutemath and I was introducing her to bands and it didn't feel fully genuine. That wasn't the only reason why things ended between myself and that woman, but the whole force-feeding her music felt too much. She needs to want to and genuininely like the music, and not purely because of me.
And the same can be for myself. Joyce? yeah artists like Josh Rouse and Mayer Hawthorne and Chromeo I never would have got into if it wasn't for her. And I genuinely do like a lot of their music.
But it seems like every time I wonder if it could happen, it doesn't. Even recently I came across a woman who was super into Star Trek and Scifi stuff, but then I realized something about her which is pretty much a dealbreaker. I don't know if things might have happened between us or not regardless, but the dealbreaker ended my interest of course.
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So where am I at? now some 7 months out from Joyce. In tears almost every day for her. Missing her, remembering her from music or just things we did. And I am lonely, but I have been helped by a lot of these activities I'm doing. People I'm talking to through Facebook and Zoom Meetings and Discord. Will I end up dating more? As much as the apps (FB Dating) I have had next to no luck with (sending far too many messages with like 2 or 3 replies over the course of 3 months); I do still wish to try doing more of it. There are Singles groups (Break the Bubble via meetup) that do things. There's 1 for Twin Cities Geeks even.
I do wonder, the woman who might be able to push my buttons would even bother with singles groups and apps. Probably not. Which suggests something more active like the writing course I want to take or volunteering somewhere might more likely to meet her. I just wonder where and when. It's dumb luck. IDK.
And I spend a lot of time with the Widows Singles Dating group Zoom and maybe in some ways it has got me thinking too much about this stuff. Granted, most of them are way further out than the 7 months I am. There's another group of "Young Widows" who more are on a similar recent time frame. But a) there's nobody I've met among that group from Minnesota that is looking to date anyway. I have a few, including a friend of mine named Lisa. IDK.
I have told Gemini a lot about this and it's frustrating. I would be ok being single for awhile, maybe always if I didn't feel like a loser eating dinner alone. Going to events always alone. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I sort of always have actually. Should I? maybe not. The whole adage
-love yourself 1st.
-Work on yourself before you can share your life with someone else
-Better to be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong reasons.
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And at least according to some women, women could and would like me, but the proof is in the pudding. I still feel like in public I almost always need to initiate conversation. Always..like 487 times in a row always. So, while maybe I am attractive to some women at least, not enough for them to approach me. But women don't approach men, like almost never. Especially younger women. But I'm not always around women 15-30 years old. Sure, sometimes, but a lot of them no. Maybe they aren't single women? ok. I still think it's hard to realize that reality.
It's like I'm a camoflouaged catch that either women don't realize is there, or do, but just don't do much if anything to catch my attention.
But like I said, I thought after losing the love of my life and soulmate, I should get to be picky. And maybe being picky means, I need to be attracted to her and I need to be able to share 1 or more of my passions with her. The Progger or Scifi Nerd woman.
But I can hear or recall it from more than 1 answer on OkCupid or some of the forums
"well, then you may be looking for a long time if ever"
it was so discouraging to read that from women and some guys. Mostly women. There was more than 1 response I got and I felt like giving her the middle fucking finger.
I.e. what she was saying is, the woman who actually is single and shares my so esoteric, niche taste in music or entertainment really doesn't exist. And may never.
I mean they do exist I guess, but I have not been lucky enough. There's always something, like she doesn't live anywhere near me. Or She's not single. She's not single. She's not single. She's not single. etc etc.
I don't think in the history of dating, has a woman ever included "prog rock" as her biggest interest. Even interest at all. Honestly, if she included some bands she enjoyed like The Mars Volta, Rush, Yes, Genesis, Dream Theater, Porcupine Tree...the wording "prog rock" would not mean much.
But they don't, It's a sausage fest.
Or even if she was a YouTuber or Podcaster, which I have found a few. But not near me. There's this woman I found on threads who makes a podcast about the history of music. She even has several tattoos involving the history of music. But I haven't followed up with her in several weeks. And she lives in Florida of course, lol. I would guess she has a boyfriend though. But that is rare, Although I do see more and more women showing vinyl or talking about music or song lists, not so much on YouTube but of course the short-attention-based-for-the-annoying-algorithm that are shorts on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.
I wonder though..if a woman I met loved prog, but used those platforms for her social media, it begs the question is she really into it that much? per the psychology or mentality behind someone who appreciaes my music, they would not want to compromise their approach and honestly not care that much about whether their video is 15-45 minutes long. They would not want to make 30 second or 2-3 minute videos per that is selling the content *short* (no pun intended).
Why that woman who makes the podcast about the history of music is more my speed in that, she doesn't give a shit what Social media wants her to do to get likes.
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So, well I feel terrible as I haven't written much in here or the Substack about Joyce lately. I haven't even done my 2026 Rock Hall Nominations Rant for YouTube or talked about Esperanza Spalding or shown a new Vinyl I got in the mail yet. I tried filiming the Rock Hall Rant the other day and the camera stopped recording. So I need to refilm it. I *hate* having to do that. Waste of time and energy, but it happens. I will try soon to finally to.
And all the albums I have slept on, lol. My working out tho at the JCC has me wanting to listen to favorites and close my eyes and feel like I'm transported back when I 1st was hearing said album. Dredg's Catch Without Arms, Fair to Midland Fables from a MayFly..Pepe Deluxe Queen of the Wave, etc.
I also thought about trying to make a Top Prog Metal songs list. Jordan Blum did 1 I'm sure not long ago, but my list would of course be different. I'll see.
