Thursday, May 7, 2009


I guess there's been so many things in recent months I could-have and should-have mentioned in here, I feel like I did when I was in Calculus class in college and after struggling every night to complete 25 problems of homework, I got behind more and more.

So a ton..rather too many bands, albums, rumors to add.

TV Shows as well.

A Graphic Novel Series to review.

And even a few movies.

But to add to that, the fact I was sick 1 week. Maybe I had the Swine Flu and beat it, lol. No seriously, it might have put me out of my misery had I not.

I dated a girl..the 3rd girl since September in fact, but it was another 1-month relationship. I really wonder if I'm not cut-out for relationships. Call it timing, or not the right person. I continue to be lust and love's pathetic little bitch at times. Because I continue to seek it out, yet I have been disappointed and/or fallen-short with it my whole life. Perhaps I'm one of thousands, or 100's of thousands who have been through the same thing, many for much longer. But then I can just say I'm a fucking cliche too.

But maybe the biggest kind of hijacking has been on the proverbial boards. Most of the time, it very well could be me. Whether it be bad or fucked-up opinions/comparisons. Or just trying to be the messenger, but I only end up feeling like

a) I'm wasting my and many others time.

b) I'm really trying to boost my ego, but in fact I end up looking and at times ultimately feeling like a pathetic little bitch.

and people go about giving me shit for stuff..for doing things or writing things my way. Is it me?..perhaps it is. Or maybe it's just the nature. And at the same time, my nature/addiction cuz I should have left many of them a long time ago.

I mean if I did, I might be better off. Man, this is starting to read/sound like many of those whiney emo-entries I wrote earlier this decade, and then at times onto the okcupid journal I kept. But it's fucking true. I'd like to see what would happen if I was gone from all those boards. Perhaps some of those people would find a trail leading to here. But then again, perhaps they wouldn't even notice. Why should I care? There are many regulars from years past that I suppose I wonder what happened to, but I haven't tried to find them. So why would I be any different?

I'm human, but sometimes I think I try to not to be.

1 comment :

plantlet said...

:(( Life's a bitch sometimes. I tend to depend on other peoples opinion and recognition too. It seems like I always expect way to much from them and end up disappointed. I found out that most people are not interested in connecting with others on a more 'intense' level maybe because they are too caught up in their own world. But sometimes I get so frustrated with peoples shallowness ...

I think the way to go is to find happiness not only in relationships or human interaction but to focus on other things aswell. Like they say, it's the little things that bring you joy. You know like get a hobby where you can create things and feel like you can achieve something. Or go on a hike and open your eyes to the beautiful nature that surrounds you (as cheesy as it may sound ;) ). I'm sure there are a million other things you could do.

And about the relationship issues. All I can say is that I've been in one for 9 years and we're in the middle of breaking up. It's so hard because I haven't been alone for so long. It scares the shit out of me. But all I can do now is move on and make the best out of it. And hold on to the belief that better times are about to come ...