Who gets it?
I keep trying things and feel like it's not the right thing to do. Not what I *should* be doing. And even these things that feel good, don't prevent the things or the tendency to feel guilty.
September 23, 2016..myself and the wedding party got together at Burger Moe's in St.Paul after going over the rehearsal for the next day's wedding ceremony at my cousin and his wife's space,
What do I remember? I remember John being late. I remember it was a fair amount of waiting, and trying to figure out how many seats and how to setup the seats. I remember Joyce's cousin Robert helping with how the lighting was to needed to be hung.
I also remember many were relieved when the rehearsal was over and we got to Burger Moe's for dinner, which was a buffet of sliders, including really good Salmon burger sliders.
9 years...in some ways it seems like it was yesterday. In other ways, it feels like it was a lifetime ago, especially with what has come the years following and of course losing Joyce just over 2 months ago now.
I just wish I could cope better. Wish I felt like what I was trying to do, was best for me. I am trying my best, doing more than most people would. And yet, I keep feeling guilty.
Why am I thinking of new people I met, when it was just 2 months ago Joyce was my living wife? I don't understand love, or life, or time or space. If I could fall asleep and not wake up and believe I would be with her again, I probably would..
But at the same time, I'm only 49. Was I or she supposed to only live 5 decades? In the bodies we were born into at least.
It's like that misnomer of what humans understand. Life on earth has a beginning, a middle and an end. Most life on earth does not exist in its body as long as humans do. Although some do longer like trees and I want to say Turtrles or Tortoises?
Which by the way, I saw 1 yesterday
A baby turtle. Poor little thing, probably separated from its mother. I hope it found its mother and is doing well.
What am I supposed to do? I'm spending time at my "Cheers" aka Barnesy, not reading my Aunt's book which I just finished last Saturday, but a new one maybe after writing this. Likely "It's Okay, You're Not Okay" by Megan Devine, or maybe "Snowcrash" or something else.
And I feel like, but hopefully am not going crazy when I see a younger woman of color shopping in here, who almost could pass for Joyce when she was in High School or maybe at 1 point in college. I went over to the register to inquire what she bought, and much to my relief, it was some fantasty book Joyce would never have bought or read. Two Twisted Crowns by Rachel Gillig.
Yeah, no. The Joyce I knew, or the Joyce who I knew about in HS or later..she couldn't have been paid to read this novel, which might be good, but, Fantasy + Mama = No bueno.
I dunno, am I paranoid to see women who look like or remind me of Joyce? maybe I am. With this serendipitous stuff that I at least think is happening to me, I guess I am.
I imagine many widow/widowers would be overjoyed for it. I'm just a easily triggered blubberer for it.
And feeling guilty about wanting a hug, wanting someone to eat dinner with. And let's be honest, wanting a WOMAN who isn't necessarily someone whose a friend of Joyce's. But isn't going to be Joyce, but also will be fine, if not enjoy hearing about her a lot.
In other words, I am Joyce now. What you get with Kyle, is you get Kyle+Joyce. Joyce dialog, some of her personality, and references, memories..many habits, etc.
Which maybe I'm underselling why that wouldn't be an issue for any woman. Or anyone really, platonic or friendship. Joyce basically possessed me in a lot of ways, and maybe more than ever is and will for a long time.
But, maybe at some point the single times without her and another woman, will get easier. I'm concerned it won't or will take a long time. Why coming to Barnes and Noble..the JCC, maybe Caribou or some other places could be my sanctuary. The Synagogue as well.
I dunno, maybe I need to think at some point, there will be people who notice me and just want to spend time with me, when I'm free. It could backfire per I don't desire to have stalkers or people who get clingy, needy, creepy too.
But, sitting at home online, by myself with my 2 kitties..which I am still concerned about miss Mocha.
I guess everyone secretly fantasizes about being somewhere in public and there's an admirer..romantic or even just platonic, but still an admirer. I'm no exception for that. It's super romantic and I'm a sucker for it like so many others. But I have lived basically my whole life rarely if ever experiencing that.
Maybe it's a little like fame. People who don't have it but desire it, don't really know what they are wanting or wishing for. Wanting some kind of admirer, wether from a distance with little to no contact, or it could be someone you know who you talk to. A friend or something who secretly thinks they are in love with you, but is too shy or something to tell you.
Yeah, I'm a fucking sucker for that, at least in my mind. It's that feeling you get when someone likes you, and you either find out or find out there's a chance of it, and you may see them in a way that it brings butterflies.
It totally taps into what your heart wants and desires. It goes beyond your brain really. Your heart feels strong or is more prominent. And I'm so sensitive right now, if I did find that out, I would probably burst into tears for awhile. Tears of happiness, but also caution.
It's that feeling, that can't really be explained properly in words. Beauty, kindness, thoughtfulness, almost telepatthic or rather EMPATHIC of knowing that you make someone feel good or help them, that really needs it. And thus, you feel good as well.
But, there is the brain that tells me that it's too good to be true. I have thinking my marriage to Joyce in a lot of ways feels that way. I know many other family members and friends who had relationships that lasted much longer. And I spent 20 or more years, thinking I would be in a Long Term Relationship, but never having it happen.
The adage, you never will find love if you're looking for it. But when you're not, Cupid and Aphrodite will find you.
And I had it for 14 years, but what was 14 years for me, is or has been 2, 3, even 4+ times that long for others. Is that fair to compare? probably not, but I can't help but still think about it. Too Good to Be True..we never even got to go on a Honeymoon. Our Anniversary trips and trips in general, always had something go wrong or bad. Although part of that is traveling and Joyce's tendency to dwell on the negative. Doom and Gloom, etc. It was her in a lot of ways, despite many of her life's successes.
But, I am feeling or wondering what love is now, having lost the woman I loved. She's in my heart, but I can't hold her, help her, drive her to places, or even actually talk to her with responses. I can only remember her and research her documented life now.
And I may find love again, but jeez, Cupid likes to play some seriously screwy mindgames sometimes. I both appreciate parts of that, but also feel like I'd rather implode than deal with more of a broken heart, or even having someone else have one. I don't want anyone to get hurt...but better to have loved and lost or tried to love? than just ignore my feelings and how my heart feels.
Because women can be so sweet and charming and can woo you. It's not purely lust. Sure, the lust can be a HUGE part of it, but there's almost an unlimited amount of beautiful, attractive women..7 out of 10 that I tend to see. But then you have so many others who come across as so sweet and nice, that it gets to be frustrating and unfair sometimes. But if I'm lucky enough to find 1 who is like that, and likes me, gets me, knows me, cares about me like I would care about her, that goes beyond the physical attractioin, then Cupid did his job.
