Terms..

 Adjustment Disorder

Agoraphobia

some others to add, but these are 2 for sure I am dealing with. If the loss of a loved one or spouse is not giving someone medically a disease, like Grief not being a diagnosable condition, and it's not exactly depression.

These are 2 anxiety driven conditions at least. Agoraphobia I guess is kind of a general anxiety condition, but it is caused by the panic that one would get from a change or trying to deal with a dramatic change like losing one's companion or spouse in my case.

More maybe on this later, although I am more likely to make a YouTube video soon going over more of this stuff and a lot more of course.

dredg - Convalescent

 

Maybe you've never seen it
Maybe you've never been through it
It's the only way to understand it

This is one of my favorite dredg tunes (although I love many of their songs of course).

That line or 2 lines really captures so much. It can be applied to dozens if not 100's of situations or scenarios.

But, it totally applies to my situation right now with the loss of Joyce. And grief, losing a loved one, and not only a loved one, but a spouse/significant other. And in my case, so super quick, with no warning in sight.

And it also would go to 1 in a couple who are in a happy, loving marriage maybe moreso.

I mean a lot of people are helping me, but, there seems to very much be a different perspective of those who have lost someone they were so close to. And suddenly even, that if they have not, the experience is not fully understood like it is with someone who has. Whose gone or going through what I am.

It's kind of like how I am telling Joyce's story. Showing others what for the most part she was really and fully like. Nobody knew her like me. At least in the 14+ years we were together. Nobody knew her like I did. And while some of that is not so happy necessarily, it still was who she was.

I'm not trying to show her in a poor or bad light. I really don't, because I loved her. I really did, despite the occasional struggles. I would not have stayed with her if I didn't. I did mostly everything I could to make her happy. At times it didn't work, or at least she didn't express it to me. But that was part of her strong-willed personality.

I actually, now thinking about it, didn't cry in front of her enough. I did sometimes, but now thinking about it and how much I am now, daily of course, I wish I had more. I guess part of it was her dwelling on the negative or doom-and-gloom mentality. Glass Half Empty at times, and if I was down and depressed, it would only make things worse. I try to look at the bright side, focus on the positive as much as I can.

So, I held it in at times. But..I just should have more. I think we may have found ways to bond better at times.

Even when we had arguments or conflicts and then I went into silent treatment.  I wish I had given in and just told her I was sorry and if there was anything I could do, even swallow pride. Although sometimes it was more about her losing something or not getting something  because she was too late or something I had really nothing to do with. But she was upset and basically had to direct her emotion to or on me.

But I still should have more.

Anyway..yeah that lyric captures it. It's something you really can't fully understand unless or until you've been through it.

ChatGPT take on whether I could have done anything or not...

 I guess I will credit this in giving me a little piece of mind..and feeling like it was some other reason, chance, or lack-of-explanation as to why this happened or anything could have been done.

But it does bring back the old adage..life can be short. You don't know when it will be taken from you. days, weeks, months, even years go by, but your time could happen to end anytime.

But, maybe there is more after we die? this whole experience has me wondering about that more and more. You go through life for awhile and think you at least figure out YOUR life (not others necessarily), and the truth is, you really may have no fucking clue. Just as no clue about an afterlife I guess.

GI Cancer Rates Rising in Women (of Color) between 40-60

https://www.dana-farber.org/newsroom/news-releases/2025/dana-farber-report-shows-alarming-rise-in-many-gastrointestinal-cancers-in-young-people

I haven't read the whole article, but wtf.

This reads like something out of a Scifi or Horror novel really.

It's not a Pandemic or Epidemic exactly, but a Fucking Plague for a specific demographic, that Joyce happened to be in.

Diet, exercise and some other factors might have prevented it, although she was 50, from what the Oncologists said, she had it when she was 49..likely even late at 48 (Spring of 2024). So, based on the demographics, she would have fallen into that category for another 10+ years.

CANCER SCREENINGS..need to be better and much more easily done. I guess part of it is finding trends besides Pollups in your colon (which could have possibly saved her, but we will never know where the Cancer started, but likely in her GI tract, so it could have been in her Colon, or her stomach, or her Esophagus, or her Pancreas.

They need to find a way to identify early symptoms and preventative measures maybe beyond diet and exercise.

I'm drowning...Clutching at Straws

 I do feel like I am here. I pray that it gets easier.

I would never have assumed losing Joyce would almost paralyze me this much mentally, along with physically.

The latest is dealing with the concern for the health of my cat Mocha and her kidneys. That along with low phosphorus food she should eat, but also to avoid Kaja eating any of it.

I swear, I'm not cut out for this. Handling that along with all of the mental and physical challenges of losing Joyce is just too much.

If I get sick, or something else screws me over, than I know why. It's not that people aren't helping me, because they are. But I'm just unsure what kind of toll this will take on me to try and do everything.

What would fix it beyond Joyce being back? I think a live-in companion could help a lot. But if/when that will happen? I worry could be a long time from now, if ever.

Somehow mentally getting past Joyce being gone and getting used to it. Hugging the Squishmellow, I used to kind of hate per it caused my pinched-nerve to flare up when using it for lumbar support. Hugging it, and how big it is, almost feels like her or a person. That and ASMR videos.

But is that or will that help enough? Is it a longterm remedy? I feel like it is more of a temporary fix.

I barely have any PTO left. 39 hours. I was out from work 23 straight days, and even subtracting the 1 week for Bereavement, 18 work days, or 3 weeks and 3 days, it drained most of it. I guess the PTO FMLA still applied to my PTO balance. Although I was only on FMLA for a week or something, the rest was just normal PTO.

I would think the FMLA would be separate, but it's not, until your PTO is exhausted or something.

I dunno..I just know a lot of this way of trying to live sucks. I did join the JCC. Will start using it likely in October. We'll see. It offers a lot, although ultimately it comes down to $1000/year, which maybe isn't a ton if I get use out of it. Maybe socially will help me more than anything. Unsure.

But I can cancel of course. I am not looking to use it like TRIA necessarily. Although swimming or maybe even basketball could be something I will do some of. I dunno, maybe I'm getting the wrong idea what I will get out of it. A safe space to go read or blog while my loud neighbors act like inconsiderate jackasses, having people over and blasting music. I also think going to Barnes and Noble or Perkins could work for that in a more practical and affordable way.

I guess I'll see. Assuming I'm able to even do that all.

And take care of all the other responsibilities that have been thrown on my plate right now.

Joining the JCC, or even the Barnesy and/or Perkins thing could have been something I might have done with Joyce. Although I could easily seen her looking at me as being selfish and "abandoning your family" mentality with it.

I mean I could be wrong, but maybe not too long from now, I will get in some kind of routine with work, food (cooking hopefully), and nightly calls or visits from people. I just can't assume anything, other than maybe the work part, assuming I do manage to work ok everyday from home.

And manage my health..jeez.

I just feel like giving up. I'm not going to take my own life, and my mind is still stable enough to know I need to work, and take my meds and eat and feed the cats and clean their litter out. Take the trash out. Pay the bills, etc.

And I am managing to sleep at least close to enough hours. Although I can totally believe what I am going through is totally draining on my energy. I feel spent at the end of the night. Maybe it's a caloric intake, I dunno. I don't want to start consuming a lot more sugar..even like from Orange Juice or something, because my energy level is not what it was. I dunno.

I just know that losing Joyce is at least in the short term, having a pretty dramatic impact on me, emotionally and physically.

I mean even if financially it wouldn't have. Like hypothetically, I had enough money to retire or take a sabatical from work in-effect. I would still feel screwed. 

I guess some of it is taking care of everything..her affairs and things..contacts..and just relying on her for things. I have said it dozens of times, but if I was still a bachelor and never met her or had any longterm relationship. Never had pets. I would have a better chance of living like this. Although things like my Diabetes and Kidney stones, Joyce helped quite a lot initially. 

But my plate might not be quite as full now or the past 15 years.

I would maybe have bought a Condo like Shannon. Maybe. But I still would struggle with things.

In other words, I'd still be screwed, just in some different ways.

I guess all I can do is keep trying and see if things work out better. Maybe someone will come into my life in the near future that will greatly help. A woman or just a friend who may not live with me, hut will in some ways feel like they are, and sort of compensate for a lot of what I have lost with losing Joyce. And totally understand how much Joyce meant to me.

Hell, this person could even work from my home if they have a dayjob.

Again though, if/when that may happen? it could be awhile, if ever. But I can only dream of that in some ways right now.

Looking the 2005-2025 Songs List..

 It's a lot of no bueno. There's a ton of those 400+ tunes that either I think of Joyce for..Kimbra is a biggie, that I'm gonna have a massive grief episode if I listen to. Cameo Lover totally brings me back to 2011 and when Joyce loved that tune.

Unless it has the opposite of fear of an effect, in that I WANT to and ENJOY feeling of being brought back to 2011 when we were 1st a couple?

Also many are just sad, melancholy tunes, that I love, but they are not uplifting exactly.

Sucks.

I may need to listen to older music that has nothing to do with Joyce or thinking of her, that isn't so sad? unsure.

Questions to ponder for therapists?

Another Dream (8/9/25)

 Joyce was in my dream again, a little more on this one.

And it involved food again.

There was a baked potato. There was 1 baked potato left in our kitchen, and I was going to make it. I did, but as it turns out, Joyce intended to have it.

So I rinsed it and heated it up in the microwave with Plastic Wrap.

I added butter and bacon bits. But like many other occasions, she told me *she* was going to have it. Although often we would split a baked potato.

I may have at least intended to add other things like grated cheddar cheese and maybe salsa and even avocado.

But she said she was going to make or eat that Baked Potato, but I took all the toppings off. However she asked me, what all had I put on the potato. And I told her butter, and then a minute or 2 later, I told her also bacon bits, which I don't think she wanted.

I didn't tell her sour cream, which would have been a deal breaker for her. Salsa kind of as well.

But she wanted the potato at rhat point.

Now come to think of it, maybe we were going to, or she wanted to split it, but I added the toppings to the whole potato. Which I might do, if we either each had our own and/didn't split it. But she told me after the fact ("that was my potato" the last potato, or she was intending to have it, or at least 1/2 of it, However she hadn't and I just went ahead and intended to make and eat it like I was going to have the whole potato).

I do know at 1 point in the dream I was questioning if Joyce was sick, and I think I even mentioned it to her, but she kind of said, well that remains to be seen or happen.

I wonder if I will have more dreams with that idea..that she  might be sick, but she is questioning it, or at least how sick, etc. I guess at this point, I will be more than happy at least if I can have her come into my dreams like this.

And like the other dream, I kind of was woken up by my cats, These dreams late into the sleep time, per it's 7:23AM, it was probably somewtime beween 6:30AM and when I woke up around 7:10AM.

Sort of short, late dream cycle dreams with her. I hope though they can last longer.

But I know in this dream, she wasn't exactly sick, but the idea of her being sick or having Cancer was still on my mind and hers. I questioned whether she was supposed to be doing things, or if she was sick, but it didn't affect her.

If this was you contacting me Joyce, thank you much! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you.

A dream I just woke up from (8/3/25)....

 Joyce was in it, ever so briefly.

My cat Kaja was on my lap while I was on the recliner chair in the living room while I was sleeping.

So, I am a little sad that i was woken up earlier than I could have been.

But in the dream, I was at some sort of buffet or potluck. More likely a buffet outdoors for something. A party or benefit. And I was grabbing food from the buffet, and Joyce was with me.

I didn't say much to her, although I think she may have been pointing out what was on the buffet to me.

It was like pot roast and mashed potatoes.

There wasn't much else, but she was there.

Maybe I will have many of these, or many more in depth. The thing I worry about is that is the extent of my interaction with her, or at least what I retain after I wake up. I have had dreams with my Grandmother ("Ma") and my Grandfather ("Papa Dave") before. Recently even. They passed about 10 and 16 years ago.

But from memory, the experience with them in the dream was limited.

I do wonder though with Joyce, it could be more often and more detailed.

But will i remember it? I hope so...even if the experience is 1 of our arguments..I honestly don't care at this point.

I dunno, a therapist will probably come up with a bunch of explanations as to why and what these dreams mean. I want to believe she is there because she is reaching out and contacting me and she misses me as I much as I miss her.

Thinking about this dream and maybe made me wonder if it was at Booya, and how I failed to add that in the Eulogy and still can. Maybe that was a reason for the dream? maybe. Booya is/was a regular tradition of ours with the kids (her cousins Victoria and Gabino) and her mom. So, not including it in the Eulogy, and now doing so, maybe adds a little something to why I had this dream. But I don't think we were at Booya in this dream. But maybe I'm wrong?

Therapy..grief triggers and trying to learn to live with them...

 I was googling what I am facing because while a lot of the day I'm not breaking down in tears, it still hits me. AI says grief can last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years on average.

And in some cases, it never fully goes away.

So I found this here on reddit which talks about ways it can get better or easier.

But I guess with the loss of Joyce I actually now have another condition if not disease.

-Digestive (IBS/IBD or just Lactose Intolerance + intolerance to processing foods with a lot of oil or fat content or a lot of heavy meals at once)

-Degenerative Disc in the spine + weak core (which may be remedied somewhat from PT or strengthening my core. Weight loss of late may have helped it a little). Wearing a brace sometimes while doing the dishes, laundry, and especially record shopping can help

-Kidney Stones. Remedied well with change in diet and meds

-Diabetes, Remedied well with change in diet and meds; Metformin + Insulin

-Blood Clot, Remedied with a blood thinner and stretching

-Reoccurring Pinched Nerve, remedied often by avoiding how I sit for long periods of time

-Missophonia

-Deviated Septum (including regular post-nasal drip)

-So add Grief and/or at least a short term level of depression.

It's better to have loved and lost, than to never loved at all.

I will always probably agree with this, however knowing what I am going through at times now and maybe more so, long term or even permanently, the question can be raised about how much it holds true.

And looking at much of what I used to whine about in in My Livejournal the 26-30 year old version of me would think I'm crazy to suggest this notion.

But this is not fun at all. I'm being continously reminded, almost tortured that she isn't here anymore, and the things I'm trying to do, something simple as eating dinner, I don't have her to eat with. Eating late, which was a terrible habit I had when I was in my 20's and even 30's, including with her to a point.

I guess part of it is I'm being worn out by trying to get all this stuff done. Get the Slide Show as good as possible, and the Eulogy. Which are close to done, and I have a few days still.

I'm trying to get the photos to be in as close to chronological order as possible. Maybe I shouldn't. Anything close should be fine.

Maybe once Tuesday is over, we've had the service and internment, and then Wednesday at the History Center, and some other odd ends. I eventually go back to work, and the plan to meet at the State Fair and eventually the celebration of Life Party maybe in a few months.

Dinner at Jensen's on our Wedding Anniversary, September 24th.

And more regular therapy sessions with Hospice and some others. Talking to my Aunt and Neighbor more regularly.

Maybe then, some of this stuff..these breakdowns that can occur sometimes in a moment's notice, maybe I will have a better handle on those.

But, I sometimes feel I'm not cut out for this. Not cut out to handle this condition. I was with her for so long, almost every day of my life the last 14+years, it very much feels like part of me died with her (Kevin Gilbert), but I'm sort of trapped if not paralyzed to trying to mentally comprehend who and what I loved for that long, is now just memories and recordings of audio, video, text and in my brain.

I know Joyce would want me to do my best to live as well as I could. To endure and gut out these challenges I am dealing with and will continue to face. Probably better me than her, I think, per she could turn into a basket case rather easily (the panic in the middle of Wisconsin in the dark at night without Cell service last September is a prime example).

But it hardly means I will be able to get past this stuff or even easily learn to live and accept it, at least initially. I actually worry that this could be way WAY harder than any of those conditions I have lived with.

Really. It could quite likely seem like Night and Day. At least for a window of time.

I may eventually date another woman which might help, but it will likely never end the memories and experiences I will be reminded of, of Joyce. The woman I may date should at least understand that, but I'm not sure when that will be. Even if, depending on how I do in getting better.

I don't love to compare, but the Cancer and Chemotherapy..and other treatments Joyce may have tried or looked at trying..combined with what the Cancer was doing to her, would still be way worse. But from a Mental standpoint, Grief seems like it feels like Cancer of Emotion and Mental Health. Not *brain* cancer of course, I don't think. But just sometthing that is super powerful  to your mind and heart in some ways, that it can have that strong an impact on how you live.

I hope trying to do normal things like work and things I enjoy, even if they are things that trigger memories or things Joyce and I did, they will change from crushing breakdowns, to laughter and happiness. Fun things.

I got the Jeff Buckley doc next week..other concerts like Those Medley Kids doing disc 1 of The Lamb.

Movies like Bad Guys 2, Happy Gilmore 2, Naked Gun revival..Minanimate, Stranger Things Season 5, Superman, Wycaro 339. State Fair, Ren Fest. Maybe the Twin Cities Film Fest. Candy Store and Apple Orchard and maybe Paisley Park with Shane (+record shopping).

And other things like trips to Vegas, Seattle and maybe even England to want to do.

Kevin Gilbert's Shaming multi-disc and the Shaming Tracks series.

+ Joyce's record collection A-Z (+other items).
And the WAMR or KAMR podcast.

But, if I'm going to do and enjoy any of this stuff, I am going to have to live-with if not greatly reduce my difficulty with these Grief episodes.

I want to believe I will be able to. And I do plan to join likely Mt. Zion and attend services on Shabbat and then go see her and the fur-babies. Maybe with others like her mom and maybe friends.

But..I also keep getting reminders from stuff like songs I love about my situation.

You're Gone from Marillion

The Great Escape + Made Again from Marillion

Song for a Dead Friend from Kevin Gilbert

Take Away My Pain from Dream Theater

many many others..even just the whole MTV thing she grew up with and loved. She would even have Martha Quinn on KOOL 108 at work. And the Buggles Video Killed the Radio Star..that whole era makes me think of Joyce both as a little girl listening.watching it, and when I knew her...so many triggers. 

The therapist I talked to the other night named Gena said to try and let it all out. I have, and it does help, but it only stops until it happens again. Talking to them or friends for long stretches does help though. I just can't expect to have them available every night. At some point, it will either be some kind of medication that'll help me, or I will get past it and the triggers as often. Not entirely, but at least A LOT LESS.

Mike Portnoy and therapy for Joyce