And I'm not sure how much better I am. I may be in some ways, a lot worse.
Sometimes I think the universe either is out to get me, or how everything that may make my life a little easier, turns out too good to be true.
Rebecca: "Sam, I was wrong about men. I was wrong about my career. And I’ve been wrong about every single thing I’ve ever thought, felt, or believed in my entire life!"
Sam: "Well... I wouldn't go that far. You still look great."
It's like you'd think just losing Joyce is hard enough, but all that has followed and it keeps piling up on me. I just wonder why am i still here? Does the universe and my existence just want to keep beating me up?..at some point I will be gone and it won't be able to.
It's like you'd think just losing Joyce is hard enough, but all that has followed and it keeps piling up on me. I just wonder why am i still here? Does the universe and my existence just want to keep beating me up?..at some point I will be gone and it won't be able to.
-Joyce's funeral
-Mocha
-misunderstandings
-Jury Duty
-Grandma/Saundra
-Saundra
-All of the "Year of 1sts"
-My company/job
-Diana Green
-Rosie
-romantic lesson
-Tim
-Grandma and family related concerns
-Anthony
-romantic kerfuffle
-Kaja gets sick and is still not out of the woods
-ER visit for a pinched nerve and heart issue/blood pressure
-The different groups I join and then they go sour (I'm not going to name specifics, but let's just say more than 1 I have felt isolated by some individuals)
and it'll be 1 year in a few weeks. Then as I understand to many, the 2nd year can get worse emotionally. I just..I'm not cut out of for this. i don't think I was ever cut out for marriage or even a relationship now thinking about it anyway. But I fell into the trap. I loved Joyce, and did my best. And now I am doing my best to figure this shit out. But it's taxing as fuck. Someone else would have been able to handle this better.
Spending 99% of my time the last 14 years with a woman and then almost in an instant she is gone, unforeseen. And my brain and whole body became so accustomed to her, that existing without her seems not real. Not something my body can survive even.
And now I may face a major health issue, all alone. Sure I have family and friends, but it's not the same. To face a major health issue, now at 50 years old, all alone day-2-day. Some do it. But like had I been alone when I got diabetes or the blood clot?..I would have gone to my parents. But Joyce and Saundra..and my primary doctor of course did help me a lot. But initially it was Joyce and Saundra. I had no idea wtf I was dealing with.
But, yeah I still have my primary doctor, but I see her maybe a few times a year. Sure, in emergencies.
I've become codependent and super sadly reliant on having someone here to help me with this. And between Joyce and I, I am the one who previously lived alone.
So..you know, either my luck needs to turn around soon, or idk..more mental health? not like I haven't had much of it already. yeah..the fucking service I thought would help me..like in a dark deep despair time, I have had some less than ideal experiences with...
maybe getting through this month..and August and September?..yeah but then all the fucking holidays and things about Joyce come up again. Maybe January?..maybe.
You know I need to spill some guts about dating again here.
Why do I feel, like back in the Okstupid days, I bend over backwards for these attractive women? And why can't I feel or for that matter why must I censor myself? both with potential women to date and talking to others including widows, to not talk about Joyce.
So I mean here I go again..I just "YOU'RE NOT READY" and "you'll know when you're ready" + "you're still grieving"
You know what? who is ANYONE out there to tell me WHEN I'M READY or if I can or cannot date if I am "still grieving."????
How about this? I HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH CONDITION THAT GIVES ME NO CHOICE TO NEVER FILTER MY TALKING ABOUT JOYCE. NEVER. NADDA. ZERO. ZIP. ZILCH. AND IT'S NOT TEMPORARY. IT'S A PERMANENT CONDITION. NEVER GOING AWAY.
I'D HAVE TO GET A FUCKING LOBOTOMY TO GET RID OF IT.
IT'S LIKE TRYING TO CONVINCE JOYCE TO LIKE THE BEATLES. IT NEVER COULD AND NEVER DID HAPPEN...........NEVER!..AND SHE WOULD GIVE 78 ARGUMENTS WHY THAT YOU WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ARGUMENT WITH.
So..that's it. I'm done right? I'll never have a girlfriend again. maybe not even be intimate with a woman again. Sure as all fuck won't find a woman whose into prog or collects vinyl obsessively.
Nope..all because I not only love Joyce, but her imprint on my brain and rituals and personality and memories and foods and friends and family and pop culture and pets and opinions about demographics and her work/career and trips and shopping and collecting and stores and yearly traditions and competitiveness and shopping habits and stories and social approaches and anecdotes and watching lists and youtube and anything that's cute and fighting for marginalized groups and minorities and under-represented and being a genuis and doing research and speaking out for what should fair and complaining about foods and other items going away and being sad about businessess closing and marching to the beat of her own drum and feeling like you are shouting and no one seems to hear and having deep superior knowledge of 80's and 80's nostalgia and getting ice cream and getting mcdonalds brekky fast sandwich and her french toast recipe and her zuchinni recipe with tomato soup and garlic and her Coco nursery rhymes and using Latte with the loving you lots and lots song and epic phone calls with Saundra and when i chimed in "do you want to talk to her?"..and A&W and Rudy Rootbeer and donuts and mama's favorite restaurants and Joyce's top 5 salads and Tres Leche with Latte and getting pissed when T found stuff at DT and seeing the stuff at DT in White Bear Lake and mama's calling and calling and calling and getting pissed and when celebrity deaths happened like George Michael Whitney and Nez, Peter and Davy and ..and being annoyed by Awards shows and Beat Shazam..and being late and blaming Papa and hating shopping for gifts or even the other holiday things for family and Mama's cookies with the kids and being late for a movie and getting pissed and then later when she's wrong saying "shutup" to Papa.
IT'S LIKE TRYING TO CONVINCE JOYCE TO LIKE THE BEATLES. IT NEVER COULD AND NEVER DID HAPPEN...........NEVER!..AND SHE WOULD GIVE 78 ARGUMENTS WHY THAT YOU WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ARGUMENT WITH.
So..that's it. I'm done right? I'll never have a girlfriend again. maybe not even be intimate with a woman again. Sure as all fuck won't find a woman whose into prog or collects vinyl obsessively.
Nope..all because I not only love Joyce, but her imprint on my brain and rituals and personality and memories and foods and friends and family and pop culture and pets and opinions about demographics and her work/career and trips and shopping and collecting and stores and yearly traditions and competitiveness and shopping habits and stories and social approaches and anecdotes and watching lists and youtube and anything that's cute and fighting for marginalized groups and minorities and under-represented and being a genuis and doing research and speaking out for what should fair and complaining about foods and other items going away and being sad about businessess closing and marching to the beat of her own drum and feeling like you are shouting and no one seems to hear and having deep superior knowledge of 80's and 80's nostalgia and getting ice cream and getting mcdonalds brekky fast sandwich and her french toast recipe and her zuchinni recipe with tomato soup and garlic and her Coco nursery rhymes and using Latte with the loving you lots and lots song and epic phone calls with Saundra and when i chimed in "do you want to talk to her?"..and A&W and Rudy Rootbeer and donuts and mama's favorite restaurants and Joyce's top 5 salads and Tres Leche with Latte and getting pissed when T found stuff at DT and seeing the stuff at DT in White Bear Lake and mama's calling and calling and calling and getting pissed and when celebrity deaths happened like George Michael Whitney and Nez, Peter and Davy and ..and being annoyed by Awards shows and Beat Shazam..and being late and blaming Papa and hating shopping for gifts or even the other holiday things for family and Mama's cookies with the kids and being late for a movie and getting pissed and then later when she's wrong saying "shutup" to Papa.
there's a lot more of course..
so..yeah how? how exactly aren't countless of these things to be mentioned by me?..how..like Rebecca Howe Rebecca Who Rebecca Where...how?..I'd LOVE to know because I've thought about this for darn near a year and I still have no clue HOWWWWWWWWWWW
So..so that's just it. These people..these women who can't be with someone who has absolutely NO ABILITY to stop talking about his late wife, well that's it. I am doomed to be alone because I am confined to be in love with Joyce, my memories with Joyce, and all that Joyce PUT INTO ME..even though she's gone for the rest of my life.
Or..perhaps a woman is out there who has absolutely no issue about hearing about Joyce regularly. Now..there's a thought?..
So..so that's just it. These people..these women who can't be with someone who has absolutely NO ABILITY to stop talking about his late wife, well that's it. I am doomed to be alone because I am confined to be in love with Joyce, my memories with Joyce, and all that Joyce PUT INTO ME..even though she's gone for the rest of my life.
Or..perhaps a woman is out there who has absolutely no issue about hearing about Joyce regularly. Now..there's a thought?..
