So, I keep going back and fortrh with this.
It's been about 5.5 months since Joyce died. And I miss her every day, every hour really.
But I also miss having someone to do stuff with. And I wish the whole accepting being alone part would be easier or get easier, but it just hasn't yet at least.
I feel like I'm feeling wrong or something. Like I'm not supposed to feel interest in other women yet. I feel like one of the lonely puppies that is abandoned and yearns for love, but isn't supposed to have love until it can be ready to. But also doesn't know how long it will take until it's ready.
Maybe my mentality will change.
Because meeting a lot of new people, including a lot of women shouldn't feel wrong, or desparate. I maybe am overanalyzing this. But like many widows, the idea of being forced to not feel loved by someone or not having someone who generally cares for you, in person, on a daily basis, just feels so deflating.
I've asked ChatGPT about this, and it's normally saying like "because you are going through grief, it's more of the idea of having a romantic companion that you want, rather than actually wanting and needing someone right now"
And I follow it may be unfair to another woman who sees my grief for Joyce as something that doesn't give her the attention she deserves.
It's human instinct and psychology though. I wrote this a few times in chats with people in the last week.
When you are in a happy romantic relationship, you can't imagine not being in love. And when you lose having that love, it's something you can't fathom not having anymore, and it in some ways is all you think about.
Sure, a new relationship may not cure my grief. And it may not last too. But it doesn't change the fact it's a constant hope and desire to try and help gain back the happiness and joy and comfort of the relationship I had with Joyce.
And full disclosure, I'm befriending several women, but admittedly, a lot of them are just online and I suspect most if not all of them only see talking to me as friends. Which isn't a bad thing, and may all of them I will only be friends with. But it still is hard to not feel like maybe I won't experience love again, and soon. But love doesn't always work like that.
Love fucking takes time. Some of which I may not be good enough. But Love also seems to be something that happens when you aren't seeking it out. So, I'm more or less destined right now not to ever find it....fuck you love.
I sound like a headcase, jeez. Desparate, but in fact I'm not like desparate in the sense I want to have love, or fall in love with any woman. I just would do almost anything to if not having Joyce back, at least have that feeling of comfort and security of someone who loves me, tolerates me and my babbling, because she sees my heart caring about her too.
But it just isn't that simple. And how and where it could start, I'm trying to meet people, women, etc but I feel like if I am trying, it'll never happen. Or at least it's a huge longshot.
It'll way likely more happen if SHE notices me. I wrote that idea on reddit a few weeks ago. The woman at least initially, more or less controls this. She has the power. She drives it. It's not really fair, but it's totally true. Even though the woman normally wants the guy to approach her.
Why I suck. Why I have never had any other relationships that lasted before Joyce. Joyce liked me. Joyce said in her vows "When we met, Kyle asked me, Are you married or do you have a boyfriend? Or are you dating someone? and I'm thinking, WHO IS THIS GUY?"
So, why I just am going to try doing this until some woman just flat out says to me, she likes me I guess, lol. But I just doubt that will happen. And then it comes down to actually dating and being in a relationship. I mean the heart wants that, and probably way faster than it should.
The heart doesn't have patience like it should. Because I know very well, you can't really fall in love and know you love someone in like a week or even a month. It can and likely always will take much longer.
But the feeling of someone loving you and you loving them..even if it doesn't last, is sort of like esctasy. I guess for those who never have it, I sympathize with them if they want it. Although sometimes those who do get the experience of being in love, don't do it intentionally. I.e. many don't want it, and it just happens. And many who think they don't want, and have never had it, might feel different if they had love.
I just also feel, almost out of nowhere, the woman I love and who loved me was just snatched away in like an instant. It keeps making me feel like life is shorter than I realized it can be. And I may never get to have or be in love again. I know many don't ever, and so by that fact, I should feel grateful. Per I pretty much felt like it would never happen for me. I would be lonesome and alone my whole life.
And now I feel like I may for the rest of my life, especially depending on how long I am around and what I do. "Working on myself" which I know sometimes works for people, I just wish in having to do that, the desire for love and regular companionship from a woman would not so constantly be on my mind. Or at least the back of my mind.
I can also say, meeting Joyce doing the music library work at KFAI. Being at KFAI for a purpose other than meeting women (although it was certainly on my mind during both stints I was there), sort of gave me the whole, nothing-to-lose idea. And I did it for a few months before anything happened between Joyce and I. In fact I remember there were weeks she wasn't there early on and I missed her. I even almost assumed she was done with KFAI I recall. Because sometimes you see someone once or twice at something, and then they leave or never return.
But I can say, like the idea of a cooking class or maybe more so, the writing class I could take, would be similar to my going to KFAI. I would be taking the writing class for WRITING. And other than time and the cost of the class, I wouldn't have much to lose. And perhaps being in the class, I could meet some of the classmates and there could be a woman in the class who I could meet and get to know like I did with Joyce.
Even if I totally suck in the class. Which I reallty don't know how well I may do. I like how I write, and others have told me they like I how I write. But that doesn't necessarily mean a professor or a TA who reads my writing will care for my writing. Or for that matter, maybe classmates. But, it likely has very low risk, and only potential gain.
And in a lot of ways it could feel way more organic than meeting someone on an App or even through a Facebook Group necessarily. I'm unsure. I mean if I met someone that way and ended up in a happy relationship, sure, I wouldn't complain. But like with Joyce, meeting someone doing an activity would feel good in a lot of ways. Joyce agreed. Her friend Emily wanted her to sign up to OKCupid in December 2010. She was going to, but then she met me and never had to. I was on OKCupid off and on for many years, but I suspect Joyce would have not given me the time of day on there. "Prog Rock and Scifi"?..yeah, no bueno for Mama.
But, look what happened? lol..
