I do feel like I am here. I pray that it gets easier.
I would never have assumed losing Joyce would almost paralyze me this much mentally, along with physically.
The latest is dealing with the concern for the health of my cat Mocha and her kidneys. That along with low phosphorus food she should eat, but also to avoid Kaja eating any of it.
I swear, I'm not cut out for this. Handling that along with all of the mental and physical challenges of losing Joyce is just too much.
If I get sick, or something else screws me over, than I know why. It's not that people aren't helping me, because they are. But I'm just unsure what kind of toll this will take on me to try and do everything.
What would fix it beyond Joyce being back? I think a live-in companion could help a lot. But if/when that will happen? I worry could be a long time from now, if ever.
Somehow mentally getting past Joyce being gone and getting used to it. Hugging the Squishmellow, I used to kind of hate per it caused my pinched-nerve to flare up when using it for lumbar support. Hugging it, and how big it is, almost feels like her or a person. That and ASMR videos.
But is that or will that help enough? Is it a longterm remedy? I feel like it is more of a temporary fix.
I barely have any PTO left. 39 hours. I was out from work 23 straight days, and even subtracting the 1 week for Bereavement, 18 work days, or 3 weeks and 3 days, it drained most of it. I guess the PTO FMLA still applied to my PTO balance. Although I was only on FMLA for a week or something, the rest was just normal PTO.
I would think the FMLA would be separate, but it's not, until your PTO is exhausted or something.
I dunno..I just know a lot of this way of trying to live sucks. I did join the JCC. Will start using it likely in October. We'll see. It offers a lot, although ultimately it comes down to $1000/year, which maybe isn't a ton if I get use out of it. Maybe socially will help me more than anything. Unsure.
But I can cancel of course. I am not looking to use it like TRIA necessarily. Although swimming or maybe even basketball could be something I will do some of. I dunno, maybe I'm getting the wrong idea what I will get out of it. A safe space to go read or blog while my loud neighbors act like inconsiderate jackasses, having people over and blasting music. I also think going to Barnes and Noble or Perkins could work for that in a more practical and affordable way.
I guess I'll see. Assuming I'm able to even do that all.
And take care of all the other responsibilities that have been thrown on my plate right now.
Joining the JCC, or even the Barnesy and/or Perkins thing could have been something I might have done with Joyce. Although I could easily seen her looking at me as being selfish and "abandoning your family" mentality with it.
I mean I could be wrong, but maybe not too long from now, I will get in some kind of routine with work, food (cooking hopefully), and nightly calls or visits from people. I just can't assume anything, other than maybe the work part, assuming I do manage to work ok everyday from home.
And manage my health..jeez.
I just feel like giving up. I'm not going to take my own life, and my mind is still stable enough to know I need to work, and take my meds and eat and feed the cats and clean their litter out. Take the trash out. Pay the bills, etc.
And I am managing to sleep at least close to enough hours. Although I can totally believe what I am going through is totally draining on my energy. I feel spent at the end of the night. Maybe it's a caloric intake, I dunno. I don't want to start consuming a lot more sugar..even like from Orange Juice or something, because my energy level is not what it was. I dunno.
I just know that losing Joyce is at least in the short term, having a pretty dramatic impact on me, emotionally and physically.
I mean even if financially it wouldn't have. Like hypothetically, I had enough money to retire or take a sabatical from work in-effect. I would still feel screwed.
I guess some of it is taking care of everything..her affairs and things..contacts..and just relying on her for things. I have said it dozens of times, but if I was still a bachelor and never met her or had any longterm relationship. Never had pets. I would have a better chance of living like this. Although things like my Diabetes and Kidney stones, Joyce helped quite a lot initially.
But my plate might not be quite as full now or the past 15 years.
I would maybe have bought a Condo like Shannon. Maybe. But I still would struggle with things.
In other words, I'd still be screwed, just in some different ways.
I guess all I can do is keep trying and see if things work out better. Maybe someone will come into my life in the near future that will greatly help. A woman or just a friend who may not live with me, hut will in some ways feel like they are, and sort of compensate for a lot of what I have lost with losing Joyce. And totally understand how much Joyce meant to me.
Hell, this person could even work from my home if they have a dayjob.
Again though, if/when that may happen? it could be awhile, if ever. But I can only dream of that in some ways right now.